Originally blogged on November 9, 2010
*****
RCW and I laughed at the last IUI appointment about the PUPO abbreviation. While I knew it, I thought it applied more towards IVFs. I never really thought about being 'pregnant until proven otherwise' after an IUI as in my mind there was no guarantee the IUI would result in egg and sperm meeting up and fertilizing. I saw it on a blog of a recent IUIer and told RCW about it as we went to the elevator. It stuck with us and he laughed about saying PUPO as one word instead of as P-U-P-O.
As we got off the elevator afterwards and walked to our car, RCW started calling me his 'baby mama' and referred to me as PUPO.
*****
And here we are 11 days later and technically I'm still PUPO. I've had days during this 2ww that I thought it worked. I've been super sleepy. I've felt nauseous, but never thrown up. I've been burning up hot. Then I've had days when I thought that we'd see that BFP, but miscarry again because of low progesterone, since Dr. S. told me I didn't need supplements. And finally, I've had days, like today, where I don't think it worked at all. Today, as I await AF to show up, I interpret some very light cramps as my period arriving, but in reality it could be gas or cramps from implantation. I just won't know for sure until I see bright red, full flow AF or I get my beta back a week from now proving that we're not just pregnant, but its healthy and viable, which is too much to think about today because I'm not feeling very optimistic.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
The Story of our Third IUI
Originally started on October 29, 2010, but posted on November 9, 2010
*****
I must admit, today is November 9! Whoa crazy lady, where have I been!? I don't have an answer for that question. I came home from IUI#3 on Friday and took a super long nap with my hubs and my pups. Sometime over that weekend I posted these pictures to this post and assumed I would share our story later in the week. Now, its 12 days since the IUI and I haven't written anything. Sigh.
Where to start...our appointment was later in the morning than usual, which was nice because it meant we didn't have to rise and shine at 5am! We started our now memorized/autopilot journey to Cincinnati and arrived just in time for RCW to make his sperm washing appointment. I hung out in the empty waiting room reading American Baby magazine. Once RCW was done, we went shopping at Old Navy in the neighboring mall. Yay new winter jacket! Finally, it was time to head back in and pick up RCW's boys. I had to wait for him and there was another couple waiting too. At this point, I felt a sense of shame. The other couple looked young, healthy and I couldn't imagine what was wrong with them. I felt as though the wife looked at me and thought judgmentally, "Hmph, you're here because you're both so fat." Obviously she said nothing to me and in reality barely glanced at me, but that's what I was feeling in that moment. It didn't help when they walked into the RE's waiting room and sat a couple seats away from me. I'd never had those feelings - it's always been, we're all broken. We all suck. We all have issues. But that day, I felt it was my fault because I was so fat. I'm too fat to ever get pregnant. Luckily, 12 days later, I'm no longer feeling that, so I'm not sure where my insecurities were coming from that Friday morning.
Once I got over myself, I looked at RCW's sperm wash data.
I was bummed because if you all recall we started this journey with samples of like 125 million or some other obscene number. Now we're down to 63 million and only 42 million once washed! What?! RCW thinks its because we aren't getting it on as much, I've decided to rectify that and see if it helps for the next round. I want as many swimmers as possible, although Dr. S. assured us that anything over 20 million was perfection. And we have great motility with 95%.
After a quick wait in the waiting room with 'Perfect Couple' and an Asian couple with a 6-9 month old baby (why do you have a baby in an RE's waiting room?) it was our turn. They called us back, confirmed my birth date and showed me our room. It was a new exam room. We put the swimmers on the counter and I proceeded to get naked from the waist down. I snapped a picture of the supplies. Plastic gloves, catheters and sperm, oh my!
Here I am for our traditional IUI picture!
Now, I mentioned we were in a brand new room. Normally the rooms have standard art, one or two pieces, a house, a landscape, a flower. But this room, right across from me on the table was this.
A zoomed in image of God giving life from the Sistine Chapel. I was enthralled with this image. While RCW played on his phone waiting for Dr. S., I stared at the picture. I prayed. I hoped it meant something to our venture on that day. I could see it while I was laying down during the IUI, but I mostly stared at the ceiling because it hurt! It was the most painful appointment I've ever had.
Dr. S. inserted the speculum and I thought we were going to get going, but it seemed that I was propped open FOREVER! I was just laying back, staring at the ceiling and waiting. Once it was over I found out the nurse who was to hand Dr. S. the already filled catheter, dropped it. Yup. The little guys went on a roller coaster ride. Dr. S. had to take the sperm out, open up a new sterile catheter and put them into a second one. All the while, I had a tire jack propping me open and while this wasn't the painful part of the day, its also not how I enjoy spending a Friday morning. Once Dr. S had the second catheter ready to go, he told me what he was doing and I swear it felt like he was pushing the tip of the plastic catheter into a very deep tiny hole that he wasn't suppose to be pushing it into. I jumped in pain, it hurt so badly. Dr. S. said he pushed the catheter higher than usual (he didn't explain why) and it would be crampy. Then he was done and left. I laid there in pain. It hurt. It cramped. It was worse than anything I've had so far and made me nervous for future procedures.
RCW tried to humor me during my 10 minute wait with pictures.
Finally, it was over and I was able to get up and leave. We took our usual pictures together. The first one...
Me telling RCW he was a stinker for not taking another, yet he took this one. Typical of our relationship...
Third picture that turned out to be perfection.
And our overly optimistic and happy version of "We could be parents!"
IUI#3 overall was similar to IUI#1 and #2, except for the pain factor. We left the RE's office and headed to get lunch at Maggiano's and then I fell asleep in the car on the ride home and proceeded to take a 3 hour nap once home in my bed. I don't know what to make out of the sleepiness or the pain during and a bit after the IUI. We're trying to remain optimistic and hopeful, but realistic. Its a fine line to walk...
*****
I must admit, today is November 9! Whoa crazy lady, where have I been!? I don't have an answer for that question. I came home from IUI#3 on Friday and took a super long nap with my hubs and my pups. Sometime over that weekend I posted these pictures to this post and assumed I would share our story later in the week. Now, its 12 days since the IUI and I haven't written anything. Sigh.
Where to start...our appointment was later in the morning than usual, which was nice because it meant we didn't have to rise and shine at 5am! We started our now memorized/autopilot journey to Cincinnati and arrived just in time for RCW to make his sperm washing appointment. I hung out in the empty waiting room reading American Baby magazine. Once RCW was done, we went shopping at Old Navy in the neighboring mall. Yay new winter jacket! Finally, it was time to head back in and pick up RCW's boys. I had to wait for him and there was another couple waiting too. At this point, I felt a sense of shame. The other couple looked young, healthy and I couldn't imagine what was wrong with them. I felt as though the wife looked at me and thought judgmentally, "Hmph, you're here because you're both so fat." Obviously she said nothing to me and in reality barely glanced at me, but that's what I was feeling in that moment. It didn't help when they walked into the RE's waiting room and sat a couple seats away from me. I'd never had those feelings - it's always been, we're all broken. We all suck. We all have issues. But that day, I felt it was my fault because I was so fat. I'm too fat to ever get pregnant. Luckily, 12 days later, I'm no longer feeling that, so I'm not sure where my insecurities were coming from that Friday morning.
Once I got over myself, I looked at RCW's sperm wash data.
I was bummed because if you all recall we started this journey with samples of like 125 million or some other obscene number. Now we're down to 63 million and only 42 million once washed! What?! RCW thinks its because we aren't getting it on as much, I've decided to rectify that and see if it helps for the next round. I want as many swimmers as possible, although Dr. S. assured us that anything over 20 million was perfection. And we have great motility with 95%.After a quick wait in the waiting room with 'Perfect Couple' and an Asian couple with a 6-9 month old baby (why do you have a baby in an RE's waiting room?) it was our turn. They called us back, confirmed my birth date and showed me our room. It was a new exam room. We put the swimmers on the counter and I proceeded to get naked from the waist down. I snapped a picture of the supplies. Plastic gloves, catheters and sperm, oh my!
Here I am for our traditional IUI picture!
Now, I mentioned we were in a brand new room. Normally the rooms have standard art, one or two pieces, a house, a landscape, a flower. But this room, right across from me on the table was this.
A zoomed in image of God giving life from the Sistine Chapel. I was enthralled with this image. While RCW played on his phone waiting for Dr. S., I stared at the picture. I prayed. I hoped it meant something to our venture on that day. I could see it while I was laying down during the IUI, but I mostly stared at the ceiling because it hurt! It was the most painful appointment I've ever had.Dr. S. inserted the speculum and I thought we were going to get going, but it seemed that I was propped open FOREVER! I was just laying back, staring at the ceiling and waiting. Once it was over I found out the nurse who was to hand Dr. S. the already filled catheter, dropped it. Yup. The little guys went on a roller coaster ride. Dr. S. had to take the sperm out, open up a new sterile catheter and put them into a second one. All the while, I had a tire jack propping me open and while this wasn't the painful part of the day, its also not how I enjoy spending a Friday morning. Once Dr. S had the second catheter ready to go, he told me what he was doing and I swear it felt like he was pushing the tip of the plastic catheter into a very deep tiny hole that he wasn't suppose to be pushing it into. I jumped in pain, it hurt so badly. Dr. S. said he pushed the catheter higher than usual (he didn't explain why) and it would be crampy. Then he was done and left. I laid there in pain. It hurt. It cramped. It was worse than anything I've had so far and made me nervous for future procedures.
RCW tried to humor me during my 10 minute wait with pictures.
Finally, it was over and I was able to get up and leave. We took our usual pictures together. The first one...
Me telling RCW he was a stinker for not taking another, yet he took this one. Typical of our relationship...
Third picture that turned out to be perfection.
And our overly optimistic and happy version of "We could be parents!"
IUI#3 overall was similar to IUI#1 and #2, except for the pain factor. We left the RE's office and headed to get lunch at Maggiano's and then I fell asleep in the car on the ride home and proceeded to take a 3 hour nap once home in my bed. I don't know what to make out of the sleepiness or the pain during and a bit after the IUI. We're trying to remain optimistic and hopeful, but realistic. Its a fine line to walk...
Friday, December 3, 2010
A Late Morning IUI = A Late Night Shot
Originally blogged on October 27, 2010
ps: We're almost caught up to currently! I'm still taking Prometrium until Friday and then the wait for AF will begin. I'm enjoying my 'break' though with Starbucks Peppermint Mochas, girly alcoholic drinks and spontaneous sex with the hubs. But I am looking forward to AF arriving some I can start my higher does of Clomid and also know what our timeline looks like. Its so hard to think about Christmas travel plans when we just don't have a clue what may or may not happen.
*****
Thank goodness RCW took the day off so he could go with me to the ultrasound appointment. IF he hadn't, I would be giving myself the HCG shot AGAIN! Luckily, my helpful and handsome hubby was at home and able to do the deed.
Our IUI on Friday morning is set for 11am because RCW couldn't get his sperm washing appointment until 9:30am. We've learned it's better to go in later than having to wake up and drive up to Cincinnati at 5am! With 9am and later appointments we don't have to leave Louisville until 7am or later. Score.
So here's why we were up until 11pm performing a medical shot. For IUI#1, our IUI was at 10am and the lady who checked me out said to take the shot between 6pm and 10pm. We took it around 7:30pm. For IUI#2, our IUI was scheduled for 10:30am and an actual nurse checked me out. She said to take the shot between 10pm and midnight, and the closer to 10:30pm I could take it, the better. I stayed up late and took the shot at 10:30pm. With this IUI, an administrative assistant checked us out and said take the shot between 6pm and 10pm. I questioned her, explaining the situation of IUI#2. She simply said, if the IUI was in the morning, the shot was taken between 6pm and 10pm. If the IUI was in the afternoon, the shot was taken between 10pm and midnight. That the shot didn't mean ovulation would happen at a certain time as it was an ongoing process. Thanks admin lady - do you realize we're spending a ton of money, using a lot of time, energy and faith and subjecting ourselves to crazy emotional roller coasters to get pregnant? Do you think you could maybe not give me the typical drivel and look at me like I'm stupid!? Thank goodness RCW was with me and able to calm me down on our walk out of the office and to point out, she wasn't really a nurse, just a scheduler/biller/admin position.
RCW and I talked about it and made the executive decision to stay up late and take the shot at 11pm, following the advice of our successful IUI#2. Here's to hoping our late night worked and was good prep for midnight feedings!
Enjoy our now traditional video of the shot!
And yes, for real it really hurt the worst last night. RCW thinks its because I didn't have the ice pack on my leg for the usual 20-30 minutes prior to injection. I felt pressure and the needle in my leg and I didn't like it. The things we do for babies!
ps: We're almost caught up to currently! I'm still taking Prometrium until Friday and then the wait for AF will begin. I'm enjoying my 'break' though with Starbucks Peppermint Mochas, girly alcoholic drinks and spontaneous sex with the hubs. But I am looking forward to AF arriving some I can start my higher does of Clomid and also know what our timeline looks like. Its so hard to think about Christmas travel plans when we just don't have a clue what may or may not happen.
*****
Thank goodness RCW took the day off so he could go with me to the ultrasound appointment. IF he hadn't, I would be giving myself the HCG shot AGAIN! Luckily, my helpful and handsome hubby was at home and able to do the deed.
Our IUI on Friday morning is set for 11am because RCW couldn't get his sperm washing appointment until 9:30am. We've learned it's better to go in later than having to wake up and drive up to Cincinnati at 5am! With 9am and later appointments we don't have to leave Louisville until 7am or later. Score.
So here's why we were up until 11pm performing a medical shot. For IUI#1, our IUI was at 10am and the lady who checked me out said to take the shot between 6pm and 10pm. We took it around 7:30pm. For IUI#2, our IUI was scheduled for 10:30am and an actual nurse checked me out. She said to take the shot between 10pm and midnight, and the closer to 10:30pm I could take it, the better. I stayed up late and took the shot at 10:30pm. With this IUI, an administrative assistant checked us out and said take the shot between 6pm and 10pm. I questioned her, explaining the situation of IUI#2. She simply said, if the IUI was in the morning, the shot was taken between 6pm and 10pm. If the IUI was in the afternoon, the shot was taken between 10pm and midnight. That the shot didn't mean ovulation would happen at a certain time as it was an ongoing process. Thanks admin lady - do you realize we're spending a ton of money, using a lot of time, energy and faith and subjecting ourselves to crazy emotional roller coasters to get pregnant? Do you think you could maybe not give me the typical drivel and look at me like I'm stupid!? Thank goodness RCW was with me and able to calm me down on our walk out of the office and to point out, she wasn't really a nurse, just a scheduler/biller/admin position.
RCW and I talked about it and made the executive decision to stay up late and take the shot at 11pm, following the advice of our successful IUI#2. Here's to hoping our late night worked and was good prep for midnight feedings!
Enjoy our now traditional video of the shot!
And yes, for real it really hurt the worst last night. RCW thinks its because I didn't have the ice pack on my leg for the usual 20-30 minutes prior to injection. I felt pressure and the needle in my leg and I didn't like it. The things we do for babies!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
IUI#3 Ultrasound
Originally blogged on October 27, 2010
*****
This morning we got up bright and early and drove to Cincinnati...together. We had decided a while ago that RCW would be taking the day off and going with me to this particular ultrasound. He usually doesn't go. I venture 2 hours north, take the 15 minute appointment including being 'wanded' and then drive 2 hours back to Louisville. Alone.
BUT...this appointment RCW needed to be there to ensure we got some questions answered. We adore our RE. Dr. S is awesome and we trust him. I believe he will get us pregnant. But he's in and out. He's quick and I'm one of those patients who doesn't stand up for myself and force a doctor to give me an extra 5 minutes to answer my questions. With the miscarriage and being on our third round, we had questions.
1. How long after taking the HCG trigger shot could we get a false positive?
2. Should I be on progesterone supplements after IUI#3 to help prevent any future miscarriages?
3. What is next? More Clomid? Injectables? IVF?
We got to the office at 9:40am for our 9:45am appointment. As soon as I signed in and we sat down, they called us back to exam room 2. I got undressed and about 2 minutes later, Dr. S knocked. He came in and went right to the 'wand'. My lining was looking good, per Dr. S, at 8.3 mm. He looked at my right ovary and saw very small follicles, nothing substantial. Some more pressure and over to my left - my moneymaker ovary! - there was a big beautiful 20 mm follicle. Dr. S. was pleased. He informed us we wouldn't be looking at a chance of multiples, but this was a good follicle and a good chance. We'll take it!
The nurse turned the lights back on and as I was scooting back up on the table to sit upright, Dr. S was explaining that he would do 3-4 IUIs and then we would look at doing some investigating inside (I'm guessing to look at my egg quality) and talk about IVF.
RCW stood there, silent. Before Dr. S. bounced out of the room, I spoke up. Yay me! I asked my main question...progesterone. I was worried we miscarried because I was lacking progesterone. Dr. S. assured us, the progesterone was low because the pregnancy wasn't healthy. He said that with the Clomid and HCG shot, I'm being pumped full of progesterone and we didn't lose the pregnancy because I was lacking progesterone. We lost the pregnancy because it wasn't healthy and the way we knew it wasn't healthy was because the progesterone level was so low.
Then he said to take the trigger shot tonight, have sex and we'd be back on Friday for IUI#3!
Here is the picture of our ultrasound. The big black blob is my lovely large follicle. It could be our baby's first picture!!
*****
This morning we got up bright and early and drove to Cincinnati...together. We had decided a while ago that RCW would be taking the day off and going with me to this particular ultrasound. He usually doesn't go. I venture 2 hours north, take the 15 minute appointment including being 'wanded' and then drive 2 hours back to Louisville. Alone.
BUT...this appointment RCW needed to be there to ensure we got some questions answered. We adore our RE. Dr. S is awesome and we trust him. I believe he will get us pregnant. But he's in and out. He's quick and I'm one of those patients who doesn't stand up for myself and force a doctor to give me an extra 5 minutes to answer my questions. With the miscarriage and being on our third round, we had questions.
1. How long after taking the HCG trigger shot could we get a false positive?
2. Should I be on progesterone supplements after IUI#3 to help prevent any future miscarriages?
3. What is next? More Clomid? Injectables? IVF?
We got to the office at 9:40am for our 9:45am appointment. As soon as I signed in and we sat down, they called us back to exam room 2. I got undressed and about 2 minutes later, Dr. S knocked. He came in and went right to the 'wand'. My lining was looking good, per Dr. S, at 8.3 mm. He looked at my right ovary and saw very small follicles, nothing substantial. Some more pressure and over to my left - my moneymaker ovary! - there was a big beautiful 20 mm follicle. Dr. S. was pleased. He informed us we wouldn't be looking at a chance of multiples, but this was a good follicle and a good chance. We'll take it!
The nurse turned the lights back on and as I was scooting back up on the table to sit upright, Dr. S was explaining that he would do 3-4 IUIs and then we would look at doing some investigating inside (I'm guessing to look at my egg quality) and talk about IVF.
RCW stood there, silent. Before Dr. S. bounced out of the room, I spoke up. Yay me! I asked my main question...progesterone. I was worried we miscarried because I was lacking progesterone. Dr. S. assured us, the progesterone was low because the pregnancy wasn't healthy. He said that with the Clomid and HCG shot, I'm being pumped full of progesterone and we didn't lose the pregnancy because I was lacking progesterone. We lost the pregnancy because it wasn't healthy and the way we knew it wasn't healthy was because the progesterone level was so low.
Then he said to take the trigger shot tonight, have sex and we'd be back on Friday for IUI#3!
Here is the picture of our ultrasound. The big black blob is my lovely large follicle. It could be our baby's first picture!!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
IUI#3
Originally blogged on October 18, 2010
*****
Last week at this time I was pregnant. Its a bit crazy. I have moments of sadness and moments of disbelief. No one knows but RCW and my boss. I told her as I explained taking time for IUI#3 and also in an effort to explain my lousy work ethic and hermit like behavior last week.
Today I start Clomid. Today is Cycle # 8, Day 3. We have an ultrasound scheduled for October 27 at 8:30am and RCW will be going with me on that day. We have questions and want to talk to the doctor prior to IUI#3 which will happen sometime around October 29-31.
We know we can get pregnant. Now we just need a miracle to get pregnant and stay pregnant. I can't imagine having to go through a loss again...
*****
Last week at this time I was pregnant. Its a bit crazy. I have moments of sadness and moments of disbelief. No one knows but RCW and my boss. I told her as I explained taking time for IUI#3 and also in an effort to explain my lousy work ethic and hermit like behavior last week.
Today I start Clomid. Today is Cycle # 8, Day 3. We have an ultrasound scheduled for October 27 at 8:30am and RCW will be going with me on that day. We have questions and want to talk to the doctor prior to IUI#3 which will happen sometime around October 29-31.
We know we can get pregnant. Now we just need a miracle to get pregnant and stay pregnant. I can't imagine having to go through a loss again...
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
RE Confirmation
Originally blogged on October 14, 2010
*****
Well I already knew and in all honesty it made the phone call much easier knowing what they were going to tell me, my HCG levels decreased and we're not pregnant.
The game plan: stop taking the Prometrium immediately and wait for my period to arrive. It should be here in 5-7 days so sometime next Tuesday - Thursday. When it arrives I'll call the RE for Cycle # 8 Day 1 and we'll start Clomid on CD3.
When I call to report CD1, I will be asking about taking Prometrium as a supplement to help my progesterone levels. If the nurse can't help then RCW and I plan on ensuring he takes off to go with me to CD12 ultrasound so we can ask some questions. Both of us still believe strongly that we got pregnant and due to my progesterone and whatever else, we lost the baby. We want to make sure we take any and all precautions to ensure the next time we get pregnant we don't lose it.
I'm still feeling very hopeful that we will get pregnant. Maybe not on our own. Maybe not by IUIs. But my heart is full of optimism that RCW and I will eventually have our own biological child. Perhaps this experience was truly a blessing in disguise.
*****
Well I already knew and in all honesty it made the phone call much easier knowing what they were going to tell me, my HCG levels decreased and we're not pregnant.
The game plan: stop taking the Prometrium immediately and wait for my period to arrive. It should be here in 5-7 days so sometime next Tuesday - Thursday. When it arrives I'll call the RE for Cycle # 8 Day 1 and we'll start Clomid on CD3.
When I call to report CD1, I will be asking about taking Prometrium as a supplement to help my progesterone levels. If the nurse can't help then RCW and I plan on ensuring he takes off to go with me to CD12 ultrasound so we can ask some questions. Both of us still believe strongly that we got pregnant and due to my progesterone and whatever else, we lost the baby. We want to make sure we take any and all precautions to ensure the next time we get pregnant we don't lose it.
I'm still feeling very hopeful that we will get pregnant. Maybe not on our own. Maybe not by IUIs. But my heart is full of optimism that RCW and I will eventually have our own biological child. Perhaps this experience was truly a blessing in disguise.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Not Pregnant
Originally blogged on October 14, 2010
*****
This morning I caved into my temptations and took another home pregnancy test. I took it because I knew I would be going to have blood work taken this morning at 9am which meant I knew around 5pm this afternoon a doctor would be calling to tell me potential bad news. I wanted to be warned, I wanted a head's up. I didn't want to sit and dwell on it all day. So I took the test.
It clearly read Not Pregnant across its digital screen.
I knew. I knew in my heart and had a conversation with God before reading it this morning. I firmly believe we were pregnant and I lost our little nugget on either Monday or Tuesday when I was having heavier bleeding with clots coming out too - at 4 weeks, the little thing was only the size of a poppy seed. The bleeding has stopped completely now and I just knew based on knowing my levels from Monday afternoon. I'm glad I didn't need to have a D and C and I'm glad that she/he passed before being too formed so I didn't recognize anything while it was happening. I think my doctors will tell me it was a chemical pregnancy based on my HCG shot, but I don't believe that. Neither does RCW. It was negative Friday and positive Monday. Had it been a chemical pregnancy, Friday would have read positive too. We made a baby, but she/he wasn't healthy and wasn't meant to be part of our lives right now.
Strangely, I'm at peace with all of this. Its been a rough week but now that I know its over and done with, I'm at peace and not in limbo anymore. I know the coming days, weeks, months will be hard, but I've truly given this to God and He's taking care of things and helping me get through. He showed us we can get pregnant and I believe we will get pregnant at some point. He showed us the strength of our relationship. He taught me to lean on Him and give it to Him. He made us see how much we really want a child and one day He will grace us with our perfect little nugget.
*****
I did go in for blood work because 1. I knew the doctors wanted it and 2. I need for them to see I'm not pregnant anymore so we can discuss the next steps. RCW and I want to roll right into IUI#3, in my opinion the sooner the better. If you fall off the horse, you get right back on and in the saddle and that's what we're doing.
*****
This morning I caved into my temptations and took another home pregnancy test. I took it because I knew I would be going to have blood work taken this morning at 9am which meant I knew around 5pm this afternoon a doctor would be calling to tell me potential bad news. I wanted to be warned, I wanted a head's up. I didn't want to sit and dwell on it all day. So I took the test.
It clearly read Not Pregnant across its digital screen.
I knew. I knew in my heart and had a conversation with God before reading it this morning. I firmly believe we were pregnant and I lost our little nugget on either Monday or Tuesday when I was having heavier bleeding with clots coming out too - at 4 weeks, the little thing was only the size of a poppy seed. The bleeding has stopped completely now and I just knew based on knowing my levels from Monday afternoon. I'm glad I didn't need to have a D and C and I'm glad that she/he passed before being too formed so I didn't recognize anything while it was happening. I think my doctors will tell me it was a chemical pregnancy based on my HCG shot, but I don't believe that. Neither does RCW. It was negative Friday and positive Monday. Had it been a chemical pregnancy, Friday would have read positive too. We made a baby, but she/he wasn't healthy and wasn't meant to be part of our lives right now.
Strangely, I'm at peace with all of this. Its been a rough week but now that I know its over and done with, I'm at peace and not in limbo anymore. I know the coming days, weeks, months will be hard, but I've truly given this to God and He's taking care of things and helping me get through. He showed us we can get pregnant and I believe we will get pregnant at some point. He showed us the strength of our relationship. He taught me to lean on Him and give it to Him. He made us see how much we really want a child and one day He will grace us with our perfect little nugget.
*****
I did go in for blood work because 1. I knew the doctors wanted it and 2. I need for them to see I'm not pregnant anymore so we can discuss the next steps. RCW and I want to roll right into IUI#3, in my opinion the sooner the better. If you fall off the horse, you get right back on and in the saddle and that's what we're doing.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Wednesday - 4 weeks, 5 days pregnant
Originally blogged on October 13, 2010
*****
At this moment in time we are still pregnant. There is a little nugget growing inside of me right now. I've cut out my caffeine, gotten a lot of rest (mostly because I've been super tired, bedtime of 8:30pm the past two nights) and maintained eating meals instead of my usual skip a lunch or skip a breakfast routine. I've also been inserting my Prometrium each night before bed in hopes of upping my progesterone levels. The spotting hasn't stopped completely, but its lighter than its ever been. All of this leads me to believe I haven't miscarried...yet.
This then makes the matter so much more heart wrenching.
My RE recommended that I get re-tested today or tomorrow, but encouraged waiting as long as I could before going back for my second blood test. I'm holding out. I'm praying and hoping and wishing and waiting until tomorrow, Thursday to go back. Its not that hard, because part of me doesn't want to hear the news. I don't want to hear that our baby isn't viable or healthy. I don't want to hear that I've already lose her/him, will be losing her/him naturally or need a D and C.
My logical and emotional sides are in turmoil. I'm trying not to feel anything until something definitive happens, but its hard to ignore that we ARE pregnant. I've read so many blogs and stories of women who ache when seeing baby announcements or receiving invites to baby showers. I didn't understand, until now. On Monday afternoon, during the time between the call from my OBGYN and the call from my RE, my brother sent a text message picture of our nephew. I burst into tears all over again seeing it. I was so excited that we'd have a cousin for him come June, but now that is unknown. Seeing one little picture of him eating yogurt puffs killed me. I don't know how I'll manage to go to his first birthday party in a few weeks. We were all set to go, but I'm rethinking it. I just don't know that I can be around him and possibly other little ones and I don't want to be a burden or negative force at this joyous occasion. We aren't making any decisions yet, especially until we know what is happening with our little nugget, but its a thought in the back of my mind.
I don't know how you get over this. RCW and I both agreed last night we would have rather never been pregnant at all than to get pregnant and lose our baby.
*****
At this moment in time we are still pregnant. There is a little nugget growing inside of me right now. I've cut out my caffeine, gotten a lot of rest (mostly because I've been super tired, bedtime of 8:30pm the past two nights) and maintained eating meals instead of my usual skip a lunch or skip a breakfast routine. I've also been inserting my Prometrium each night before bed in hopes of upping my progesterone levels. The spotting hasn't stopped completely, but its lighter than its ever been. All of this leads me to believe I haven't miscarried...yet.
This then makes the matter so much more heart wrenching.
My RE recommended that I get re-tested today or tomorrow, but encouraged waiting as long as I could before going back for my second blood test. I'm holding out. I'm praying and hoping and wishing and waiting until tomorrow, Thursday to go back. Its not that hard, because part of me doesn't want to hear the news. I don't want to hear that our baby isn't viable or healthy. I don't want to hear that I've already lose her/him, will be losing her/him naturally or need a D and C.
My logical and emotional sides are in turmoil. I'm trying not to feel anything until something definitive happens, but its hard to ignore that we ARE pregnant. I've read so many blogs and stories of women who ache when seeing baby announcements or receiving invites to baby showers. I didn't understand, until now. On Monday afternoon, during the time between the call from my OBGYN and the call from my RE, my brother sent a text message picture of our nephew. I burst into tears all over again seeing it. I was so excited that we'd have a cousin for him come June, but now that is unknown. Seeing one little picture of him eating yogurt puffs killed me. I don't know how I'll manage to go to his first birthday party in a few weeks. We were all set to go, but I'm rethinking it. I just don't know that I can be around him and possibly other little ones and I don't want to be a burden or negative force at this joyous occasion. We aren't making any decisions yet, especially until we know what is happening with our little nugget, but its a thought in the back of my mind.
I don't know how you get over this. RCW and I both agreed last night we would have rather never been pregnant at all than to get pregnant and lose our baby.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
News from RE
Thanks for all the comments yesterday loves. It meant so much to read them all. October 11th was definitely a hard day for us, but we still believe everything happens for a reason and we'll get our bambino one day! I'm sorry for the spoilers, I just felt like I needed to let everyone know and I also knew personally I couldn't handle getting notes of congratulations from readers who didn't know what happened. Once I get you all caught up from IUI#2 and #3 in the next few days, we'll be all caught up!
Originally blogged October 12, 2010
*****
I've managed to get myself into a bit of a dueling doctors situation since my RE is in Cincinnati and my OBGYN here in Louisville. It happened because I went to my OBGYN's office for my blood work.
Yesterday afternoon, at 4pm, I hadn't heard from anyone. Don't they understand how frustrating that is?! My OBGYN closes at 4:30pm so I called to ask if the results had been sent to the RE. They had and the nurse left a message for my OBGYN, Dr. N to call me back with results.
About 15 minutes later she called and that conversation is detailed in a previous post.
I had also called the RE's office. I just wanted the results, I didn't care who gave them to me! Nurse Christi called me around 4:20pm to say that Dr. S reviews all patient results between 4:30-5pm, so she'd be calling within the next 30 minutes. I got home and cried. I tried to pull myself together before she called and luckily I did.
Nurse Christi called to say: Dr. S reviewed your results and your p4 is low. p4 measures your progesterone levels. He wants to start you on a supplement right away to see if it will help. What's your pharmacy's number? You'll take Prometrium vaginally and then retest your numbers in a couple of days. Wednesday or Thursday, but the longer you wait, the better you'll be. Most women miss their period, take a home pregnancy test and then aren't seen by a doctor for 8-10 weeks. You're seen early because of everything you're going through to get pregnant. Your numbers could just be low, or of course you could have a chemical pregnancy because of the HCG trigger shot (this doesn't make any sense to me since I tested NOT pregnant on Friday morning).
I'm numb.
RCW is being logical.
We both feel blessed that 1. RCW is home right now and not out of town because that would suck and 2. we know we CAN get pregnant.
I think the fault lies with me and my eggs. I don't know for certain, but its hard nonetheless. There is a small slice of me that is still hopeful that the supplements will work and help our baby grow and we'll be delivering her/him on June 17, 2011. But its a very small slice. My logical mind knows this baby will not survive, odds are against it. My emotional heart just won't let go until I lose her/him in a few days.
The journey just continues to be trying and gets more difficult with each cycle.
******
If I do lose the baby and my natural period begins, we'll be rolling right into IUI#3. At least this has renewed my hope that we CAN get pregnant. We'll know by the end of 2010 if 1. we're pregnant because IUI#2, IUI# 3 or IUI#4 worked or 2. we need IVF treatments.
Originally blogged October 12, 2010
*****
I've managed to get myself into a bit of a dueling doctors situation since my RE is in Cincinnati and my OBGYN here in Louisville. It happened because I went to my OBGYN's office for my blood work.
Yesterday afternoon, at 4pm, I hadn't heard from anyone. Don't they understand how frustrating that is?! My OBGYN closes at 4:30pm so I called to ask if the results had been sent to the RE. They had and the nurse left a message for my OBGYN, Dr. N to call me back with results.
About 15 minutes later she called and that conversation is detailed in a previous post.
I had also called the RE's office. I just wanted the results, I didn't care who gave them to me! Nurse Christi called me around 4:20pm to say that Dr. S reviews all patient results between 4:30-5pm, so she'd be calling within the next 30 minutes. I got home and cried. I tried to pull myself together before she called and luckily I did.
Nurse Christi called to say: Dr. S reviewed your results and your p4 is low. p4 measures your progesterone levels. He wants to start you on a supplement right away to see if it will help. What's your pharmacy's number? You'll take Prometrium vaginally and then retest your numbers in a couple of days. Wednesday or Thursday, but the longer you wait, the better you'll be. Most women miss their period, take a home pregnancy test and then aren't seen by a doctor for 8-10 weeks. You're seen early because of everything you're going through to get pregnant. Your numbers could just be low, or of course you could have a chemical pregnancy because of the HCG trigger shot (this doesn't make any sense to me since I tested NOT pregnant on Friday morning).
I'm numb.
RCW is being logical.
We both feel blessed that 1. RCW is home right now and not out of town because that would suck and 2. we know we CAN get pregnant.
I think the fault lies with me and my eggs. I don't know for certain, but its hard nonetheless. There is a small slice of me that is still hopeful that the supplements will work and help our baby grow and we'll be delivering her/him on June 17, 2011. But its a very small slice. My logical mind knows this baby will not survive, odds are against it. My emotional heart just won't let go until I lose her/him in a few days.
The journey just continues to be trying and gets more difficult with each cycle.
******
If I do lose the baby and my natural period begins, we'll be rolling right into IUI#3. At least this has renewed my hope that we CAN get pregnant. We'll know by the end of 2010 if 1. we're pregnant because IUI#2, IUI# 3 or IUI#4 worked or 2. we need IVF treatments.
Friday, November 26, 2010
one of the worst days of our journey
Disclaimer: This one post is SUPER long. I didn't want to drag it out for 5 days of posts so I'm putting everything that happened on October 11, 2010 into one big post. I've never had so many emotions in one day as I did on October 11. From pure joy to complete sadness to indescribable hope. I also feel as though I must post a spoiler for any lovelies reading this and going through your own IF journey. We are currently NOT pregnant and are hoping to gear up for IUI#4. Another spoiler, we had our IUI#4 ultrasound on Wednesday, 2 days ago. I thought we'd be having IUI#4 today, Black Friday, but I didn't have any mature follicles. I don't think I responded to my 6th round of 100mg Clomid, but we're going back to Cincinnati tomorrow, Saturday, for another ultrasound to see if any of those little follies grew. I'm hoping slow and steady wins the race and keep telling myself that its because (I think) CD1 was counted a day early, thus the Clomid was a day early too. We shall see what appears on the screen at 8:45am Saturday. Either some big follies ready to grow into a baby or nothing and we won't waste an IUI cycle. So, despite what happened on October 11, 2010, we are still on our journey. The stories that are below are our story. Our life. I want to share. To maybe help others struggling. I can't share our journey without sharing this part, even though it sucks reliving it.
*****
O...M...G....*****
Originally blogged on October 11, 2010 at 6:52 AM
As promised I woke up this morning and took a home pregnancy test. It was the last one we had in our bathroom cabinets. I peed into the cup, counted out 20-Mississippi and set the test on the counter. RCW poked his head in the bathroom to say good morning and said, "OMG, I can't believe you're wasting a test." I told him I just wanted to be sure before calling the doctor this morning and starting Clomid, possibly today.
I washed my face, my hands and then put in my right contact.
I couldn't help myself and glanced at the test. This is what I saw...
Yup! The first positive thing I've EVER seen on anything pregnancy related!!!!I ran down the hallway, half blind and half dressed, burst into our second bathroom where RCW was (at this point, who cares?!) and basically threw the test at him. He just started laughing and said, "No way!!!". I said, "I know, this is crazy!!!" He suggested I go put my other eyeball in and get dressed.
I did and then called the RE and left a voicemail saying, "What now!? We want to confirm this is true."
I also mentioned that I wished we had more tests so I could just take another one and see what it said. RCW said not to waste any and then about 5 minutes later said, "Do you really want to take another?" "Of course!!!", I replied. He asked if Wal-Mart Market would have them and I said they should, so off he went. I started drinking more water, but at this point, have not had to pee again. Come on pee!
RCW had to leave for work, but before he did we took this picture.
Hopefully this will be just one of the beginning pictures in our baby's babybook. Yesterday I blogged about false hope, please God don't let this be a false positive.*****
one more moment of truth
Originally blogged on October 11, 2010 at 7:15 AM
I'm waiting patiently for my second home pregnancy test of the morning to stop rotating an hour glass.
I'm nervous.
What if it says Not Pregnant.
My heart will break even more than I thought possible. Prayers have been said for strength, comfort and knowing we will be parents in God's time. Somehow, knowing and completely believing that, doesn't always make this road easier.
One...Two...Three....here I go back to the bathroom to check on what our possible future may be....
IT SAID PREGNANT!!!!!
I'm still in disbelief and won't really believe it until we're past the first trimester. Too many things could happen and I've read too many stories about bad things happening. I'm also weary as to why I'm still spotting for the past 6 days and when I say spotting, I mean light brown blood and sometimes there are hunks of what look like lining. It's small and nothing compared to what comes out when I'm really on my period, but still. Makes me nervous and curious, especially in light of this morning's news!We'll see what happens when the RE calls back. Oh My Gosh!!! I just can't believe it!
*****
Blood Work and Waiting
Originally blogged on October 11, 2010 at 11:08 AMThe RE called me back this morning around 8:30am. It was Nurse Christi. She was rude and it pissed me off. She said, "I just received your long message. Where do you live? Oh, you AREN'T in Cincinnati? Ok, well find a lab and then call me back with the fax number and I'll send them a request for a pregnancy test. Well just Google Quest labs or just call any hospital. I'm just trying to help you and save you a trip to Cincinnati today."
Thanks Nurse Christi, I'll just go do some research and get back with you. No matter I'm freaking out because are we really pregnant?! Sigh.
*****
I called my OBGYN's office when they opened at 9am. They could bring me in for lab work any time today. Just come in whenever and have the RE's office fax in whatever information they needed from my blood work. Fabulous!
I called the RE's office back and left the fax number. Went into my 9am meeting a few minutes late and by 9:30am I was on the road to my OBGYN's office. On the way there, Nurse Christi called again to tell me she had just faxed over the request. She redeemed herself ever so slightly by telling me that if I was indeed pregnant they would call me as soon as they had the lab results and then also telling me I wouldn't be released to the care of my OBGYN until I was 8 weeks along. She explained that with the OBGYN's office they wouldn't run an ultrasound until Week 10-12, but the RE's office will perform an ultrasound at 6 weeks and again at 8 weeks. If all is looking good, I'll be released to my regular OBGYN.
I'm still in disbelief that this could all be real and happening!!!!
I arrived at the OBGYN's office and waited. It seemed like the longest wait ever! Finally they called me back and they took a vial of my blood. The nurse said the other office (my RE's office) would call me this afternoon. I double checked, THIS afternoon?! She said, yes!
Now I wait. How am I suppose to concentrate or do anything while I wait?!
Through all of this, patience is still not my strongest virtue.
*****
First Call with my OBGYN
Originally blogged October 11, 2010 at 11:51 AM
Because of my spotting, I left a message for my OBGYN to call me back. I wanted her opinion, not Nurse Christi's.
She just called and while I still don't have the blood work back yet, she went over some details. Like, I'll have to go back on Wednesday morning for more blood work. They want to see my numbers increasing. I'll have the Beta HCG on Wednesday. If my numbers increase from today to Wednesday, then we should have a viable pregnancy! CRAZY!!!
She also mentioned that many people have different thoughts on Metformin while pregnant. She's read and seen women who stay on it the first trimester and studies show staying on Metformin the first trimester can lead to a decrease in miscarriage. That sounds fabulous to me, but we'll see what the RE's office has to say, they should be the experts on this, right?
Finally, she told me no more sex right now. She said while sex wouldn't cause a miscarriage it could make me spot/bleed more and that would just worry me so we should abstain. Now I'm wondering if the bleeding is from the sex...we were having sex this weekend to try and make me get my period. Sigh. She also told me 30% of women spot in early pregnancy and obviously we want it to stop, but unless it gets heavier or I see bright red blood, I shouldn't be too concerned. Once we get past 10 weeks, which is early December, we can stop worrying about miscarriage. I really don't want to tell anyone until we're at least 10 weeks pregnant or through the first trimester. I can't imagine sharing this news with everyone and then losing the baby.
Now I must remain patient and wait to hear how the blood work comes out and then wait again for Wednesday's results. But either by the end of today or the end of this week, we'll know 100% if we're pregnant or not!!!
Again, CRAZY!!!!
*****
Just Kidding
Originally blogged October 11, 2010 at 4:18 PM
My lab work came back in. It wasn't good and my OBGYN isn't hopeful. She told me she was sorry to give bad news, but wanted to be realistic.
My beta is 22.
My progesterone level is 1.4.
Normal progesterone is 10-12 and anything under 5 usually shows an unhealthy pregnancy. Yea and I'm 1.4.
So its positive, but more than likely that little bean isn't healthy or viable and won't make it to full term. Especially with my progesterone level so low and my spotting.
*sad face*
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