tulips make me happy

And tulips from my hubby make me even happier.

I've been absent, not just on the blog, but in replying to comments, emails and on Facebook as well. My last post stated that Tuesday, May 25 was "...a special day for a plethora of reasons..." And while one of those reasons was BBAD, the other reason was it was our first meeting, consultation really, with a RE, Dr. H.

It didn't go as I had hoped or dreamed or thought about in any of the million scenarios than ran through my head. I will address it all on the blog, just in due time. Lets just say, our family planning got a little roadblock that neither of us were expecting as per Dr. H., TTC should be put on hold for at least 6 months, possibly longer.

I'm sure you can each imagine my disbelief, embarrassment and sadness over this news. RCW went out of town Tuesday night so its been work all day and then home to the pups at night. We're still talking options and trying to figure out our next steps...

So, our tale will come, perhaps tonight, perhaps tomorrow, maybe this weekend. But it will be here soon. Thanks for being patient and understanding.

BBAD!

Today is a special day. Its a special day for a plethora of reasons, but the most pressing is to celebrate Blog Buddy Appreciation Day, as creatively crafted by the one and only KJPugs.
Personally, I think this is a great new national holiday that we should all get in on. Who doesn't love their blog friends?! I mean honestly, who doesn't get up in the morning and hurry to their reader to catch up on the latest updates from friends around the globe?! Or when you know someone usually posts at a certain time and its missing, stalk them to find out what's up? I refuse to believe I'm the only one who does such antics. Perhaps I'm just the only one willing to own up to them...

Anyway, I have OH SO many blog friends. People that I know in real life or know in Facebook. People that we comment back and forth, but will probably never meet in person, although I adore them daily. People who I only wish I could know in real life or have an email romance with. The blogging community has offered me insight, support and wisdom. It's provided a sounding board, place to vent and place to wallow. I've connected with people who I will follow their stories until they stop telling them and live through vicariously. And with that, the following 3 are my top picks worthy of Blog Buddy Appreciation...

KJPugs.

What can I say about KJ that I haven't already?! She's a powerhouse. She's a talented writer who tells it like it is. She shares with you wholeheartedly. She has a fearless nature that I wish I had. I'm all talk and no bite. Sometimes with KJ, I think she'd really bite if need be. Not ever in a bad way, but in a "I'm-not-going-to-take-$h!t-from-anyone" kinda way - maybe that's just the Jersey coming out in her! We share a love of furbabies, our fabulous hubbies and being picky eaters. Even though we're both like totally ohmygod sorority girls, we both agree that being superficial, dyed and colored, nose in the air snots isn't why we rushed or what our respective chapters were about. And one of the most comforting similarities I share with KJ is an ongoing battle of who has the worst family drama. She is someone I can email at any hour with a novella of vents and frustrations and know she'll understand. She is a kick@$$ blogger buddy and I'm so glad our GOP like-minded selves found each other on Weddingbee!

Laura aka Miss Mojito

Somehow, someway, in a moment neither of us can remember, Laura got added to my emails with KJPugs. After months of emails, I've come to the conclusion it was God working in His all powerful ways. Laura is a kindred spirit. As she mentioned in her 'makes me blush' post about me this morning, we are so similar, yet so different. Laura is someone who has the kindest heart and when she says she's going to pray for me, I believe it 110%. When I email KJ and Laura about the dramas of my life, Laura responds with prayer and faith mixed in with some good natured jibes at the target(s) of my drama. She shares her faith with me and often provides a tune-up for mine. I only wish Laura lived a bit closer (or vice versa) so the 3 of us could get together in real life for what would surely be a fabulously amazing meet up!

Katie

Just recently have I become quasi-blog buddies with Katie. When RCW and I started on the IF journey, I came across her blog, from IF to when. I'm not even sure how. Perhaps from Stirrup Queens and Project IF. There were a few days in the beginning when I was just blog hopping every day all day looking for hope, inspiration, advice and wisdom. I found that from Katie. She started leaving me comments on my blog. She offered advice. She provided something that my other bloggy friends couldn't because they haven't gone through IF (and I hope they never will). Katie was a seasoned veteran of the IF war who I felt comfortable emailing on my own to ask questions. And she always emailed me back, despite still fighting her ongoing battles. Even though she isn't a real-life friend or even a facebook friend, she is still someone who has touched my heart and I wouldn't have met her if it weren't for blogging.

These my lovelies are my Blog Buddy Appreciation Day picks. There are SO MANY other bloggers whom I read daily and feel as though I know in real life. So many lovelies sharing their stories with the world, that I gain so much from. I talk about you all with RCW and I'm sure if asked, he'd admit he feels like he knows you all too. You share your ups and downs, funny moments and sometimes your most private too. Thanks to all who write and share with me (and others!). Happy Blog Buddy Appreciation Day to all!

This isn't all on me...

I'm not the only one affected by IF. I'm also not the only one who has to go in for tests and appointments. Tomorrow morning my amazingly fabulous husband will be breaking the seal on one of these little containers and making a 'deposit'.

Yup, its come time to test him out too. Maybe he's the 'broken' one, although I highly doubt it's just him. I am the one who isn't ovulating or getting AF after all. Its either all on me or its a joint venture. I'm not sure which I would prefer to be totally honest. I know if we both have problems, TTC will become THAT much more difficult, but I already tend to feel like the loser in this scenario, so perhaps knowing its not all MY fault would lighten my emotional toll...although, if I had to choose I'd take the burden of being the 'broken' one solo so it would only be me having to deal with the pokes, the prodding and finding solutions for one person has to be easier than finding solutions to fix BOTH sperm and egg, right?

Alas, tomorrow morning darling RCW will be making his deposit, at home, and then driving down to the lab within an hour to turn it over to the specialists. He and I were both more comfortable with making a deposit at home instead of in some 4x6 room with dirty magazines and 1980's furniture that has been used by countless other men - gross, it gives me the heeby jeebies just thinking about that place! You see since we don't have an RE yet, this is being run through my OBGYN's office which referred us to a third party lab. A lab, mind you, that is only open Monday - Wednesday 7am to 1pm. Yes, how redic is that!?

Anyway, we're both anxious for this phase to occur. To know is it one or both broken and to move forward. I don't know how long getting results will take, but hopefully less than a week. To make more light of this post, I found a YouTube video from one of my favorite reality shows - Giuliana and Bill. Ya know, they too are TTC. And while I don't take everything on the show to heart, its great to see another couple going through IF and putting it out there. This clip is HILARIOUS as they prepare for Bill to make his deposit...

And just a disclaimer, I know no one with IF issues is broken. Its just my way to attempt making light of a very serious situation. I meant no offense to anyone by my choice of terms.

Have some spare change and love of animals?!

This weekend RCW and I are participating in the Kentucky Humane Society's Waggin Trail 5K.  Its a cause near and dear to our hearts.  Whenever we are blessed with a little bundle of joy, we will still have our first and second (fur)babies, Dallas and Loucie - not to mention the love we have for my parents labs, Molly and Max, my grandma's chihuahua mix, Susie and my brother's Boston terrier, Hank.  What can I say, we are just a fur flying, pooper scooper, dog loving family!  And yes, there have been occasions where all the dogs are in the same place, under the same roof!

We signed up for this before Jamie passed, but it seems fitting now that we will be doing this in her memory.  I'm hoping to make some bandannas or something for the girls to wear tomorrow.  

And no fear, we aren't running the 5K!  We aren't there yet.  They have a timed 5K race at 9am and then a 'fun' 5K walk at 10am.  That is what we'll be participating in.  Perhaps, next year, as we strive to get healthier, we'll be participating in the running portion!


So yea, if you're a dog lover and have some spare change click and make a donation.  We've met our personal goal, but the KY Humane Society is reporting a $40,000 decline in support this year, versus last year.  That means less help for all the four-legged creatures.  That means more dogs and cats being uncared for.  And that breaks my heart.  So, I thought I would put this out there and perhaps encourage others to support the KY Humane Society or support your own local Humane Society/SPCA/shelter.  If you are one of us who has a heart for animals, just give some of your time, talent or treasure to help!

Click Here

Ok, off my soapbox.  And, no worries, I know its been an unusually IF free zone this week, but I do have an upcoming post planned that includes a fun YouTube video!

New National Holiday!

One of my most fabulous friends - seriously, her something borrowed (or one of them at least) was my wedding veil - is KJPugs. We met online. Don't judge. We became quick email/facebook buddies and that soon led to meeting in real life - yes, for reals. Its great because she only lives about 2 hours north of me. Our third rendezvous was this past weekend, not only did we see each other again, but we brought our hubbies along for the ride. Luckily, the boys got along fabulously too. At least RCW enjoyed his manly chats with Mr.KJPugs, he felt the same way, right, KJ? Feed our my need for reassurance and validation ;)

ANYWAY...

KJPugs has decided to start a new holiday. Blog Buddy Appreciation Day. May 25.

Its genius, right!?

Per, KJPugs: "I challenge you all to do a post of appreciation for the bloggers in the world that are you “buddies.” Has a blogger touched you (and not in a “show-me-on-the-doll” sort of way) even though they don’t know you? Or have you become biffs with a blogger from across the country? Please share your appreciation and tell us about them. Give them props! Spread the word about Blogger Buddy Appreciation Day and make sure to post your appreciation on Tuesday, May 25. Don’t forget to use the super cool image and link back to this blog."

And if you want to see what we did last weekend when we met up head over to KJPug's blog, Ordinary in Indiana. You can see a squinty, pimply, way too close pic of moi over there. I know, that will make you journey over!

loss

This is Jamie. She's a pure black lab, born May 13, 1999. She was my faithful companion during high school and college and when we moved to KY, I wanted her to come, but knew she would miss our other dog too much. So she stayed with my parents. In the past couple of months she was diagnosed with a tumor on her liver. Today, as this exact moment, my parents are in Richmond, VA at the vet. Jamie is going to Puppy Heaven. She was one of the best dogs. As I sit at work, anxiously awaiting updated text messages from my mom and having already said my goodbyes via phone to Jamie this morning, I just wanted to give her a tribute. She was so calm, so happy and loved playing frisbee. We called her Eeyore because she just didn't seem to have a care in the world. She always knew just when to cuddle up next to you to dry your tears or keep you warm at night. She saw me through high school break-ups, going off to college and moving back in with my parents. She would run to you when you walked in the front door to bring you one of her stuffed Snoopy dogs to play with. She would take walks at the park and be good enough to stay right beside you without a leash, never running off or going to visit other people. She just wanted to be with us, her family. One day we'll all be reunited again, for my God is the God of people and animals. After all God spelled backwards is dog. We love you Jim Jam Jamie.

a bit of wallowing

Won't lie, I'm a bit depressed.

As nervous and anxious as I am to 1) have my HSG and 2) move forward with our IF diagnoses without insurance coverage, I'm also thrilled, excited and relieved that we'll hopefully soon know our prognosis, thus be able to identify solutions and steps towards getting pregnant.

Then last week I started feeling dizzy again, feeling nauseous about 70% of the day (I wake up feeling ill and stay that way until about lunch and then by 4pmish until I finally fall asleep I feel sick too), I'm more tired than ever before and feel as though I could sleep all day and all night and still not be well rested. Oh and AF never came.

Wednesday came and went and nothing. Same for Thursday...Friday...Saturday...Sunday... (I was anticipating AF's arrival on Thursday or Friday)

In my head, I knew I wasn't pregnant because we never saw one positive OPK, but where the heck was AF and seriously, am I just imagining feeling sick and tired?! I had a glimmer of hope, I saw the scene in my head of taking a HPT and getting a surprising BFP, but alas this morning on Day 34, that did not happen. Dear AF is no where to be seen and I'm not pregnant. Just a crazy lady with ridiculous symptoms and a AF that was showing up on regular cycles and yet has now disappeared.

I have a call into Dr. N, because well, what now?! I thought I'd be going in tomorrow for my HSG, I had dreams of going in tomorrow with a BFP. Now I'm taking a guess (until I hear back from Dr. N) that everything is going to be delayed, I'm guessing that I'll start Provera to entice AF back. If my guess is correct, that means 10 days on Provera, 4-7 days waiting for AF to arrive and then HSG on CD 5. That pushes this into June now. Le sigh.

So, yes, I'm a bit depressed today.

**UPDATE**

I heard back and my guess was correct. I'll start 10mg of Provera for 10 days, today. Prayers will be in full force that I get AF within 10 days of ending Provera. Then finally, on CD 5 I'll have the HSG. Who knows what happened to AF, but perhaps God intervened to teach me a lesson: Not to fear, analyze or stress, but eagerly anticipate and enjoy every tiny moment of this journey that will lead RCW and I to our future blessing.

And thank you for the comments and love!!! Knowing the game plan, despite it taking a few days longer than we thought it would, does make me feel a bit better this morning. That and it's almost lunch time and I think Chick-fil-a may be beckoning me!

LIMITATIONS AND EXCLUSIONS

This afternoon I had to go home for lunch, just as I was leaving the mailman pulled up so I personally took our mail from him and hopped into my car to head back to work.

As I stopped at the red light, I glanced to see what we got.  Coupons, water bill, package from my momma, glossy postcards advertising who knows what and a THICK envelope with an address I didn't recognize.  I tore into and saw that our RE consultation appointment is scheduled for May 25 at 2:15pm.  

Happiness, excitement, anxiety all washed over me.  Still at the red light, I texted RCW the date.

When I got back to work, I started looking through the 10 pages of forms to fill out and autograph.

The final page reads:

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT!!!!!!!

(And now I'll paraphase) Bring your insurance coverage with you and if it doesn't cover infertility you're SOL.  Sign below to acknowledge you're responsible for the payment of everything no matter what.

I had a gut instinct I didn't have insurance coverage for infertility treatments - I mean, who does?  And if you do, can you forward me a job application!?  I signed into MyHumana and printed the 148 page coverage booklet.  Using my brains, I typed 'infertility' into the PDF search box.  It found it 3 times.  

Here are the 3 times:

1. LIMITATIONS AND EXCLUSIONS (continued)
· Infertility services; sterilization, or reversal of elective sterilization.
214100KY 07/07

2.  GLOSSARY (continued)

Infertility services means any diagnostic evaluation, treatment, supply, medication, or service provided to
achieve pregnancy or to achieve or maintain ovulation. This includes, but is not limited to:
· Artificial insemination;
· In vitro fertilization;
· Gamete Intrafallopian Transfer (GIFT);
· Zygote Intrafallopian Transfer (ZIFT);
· Tubal ovum transfer;
· Embryo freezing or transfer;
· Sperm storage or banking;
· Ovum storage or banking;
· Embryo or zygote banking;
· Diagnostic and/or therapeutic laparoscopy;
· Hysterosalpingography;
· Ultrasonography;
· Endometrial biopsy; and
· Any other assisted reproductive techniques or cloning methods.

3. PRESCRIPTION DRUG BENEFIT RIDER (continued)

· Infertility services including medications;

Oh joy.  We knew we were diving into the deep end off the high board, but I didn't expect to drown quite so quickly.  Le sigh.

blog mishap

Hey lovlies, not sure what happened. Well, that's not entirely true. I was looking at different templates. I didn't save my old one. Now I have an undefined date and what was normally at the bottom is at the top.

No time to try and fix right now. If someone knows how to fix, please share.

And ps: Thank you for all the kind words, prayers and comments. I appreciate them more than you know!

**Update**

Still having massive difficulties.  Despite taking 'labels' off on my Edit Blog Post option, they are still showing up.  At least the date is no longer 'undefined'!

**Update 2**
Yay! It's fixed.  Lesson learned, stick with what I have and love it!  Change on this front isn't necessary!

What comes next...

I called my OBGYN yesterday morning. I left a short message with a nurse and within an hour Dr. N called me back. I knew what was coming from this phone call, I had hopes of what would come from this phone call...no more Clomid (at least not right now) and further testing.

Dr. N agreed that with 3 rounds of Clomid under my belt and not a positive OPK in sight, it was time to look at other options. I suppose I should consider myself lucky, Dr. N knows how badly we want to be pregnant. We're only 27 and 28 and have not been trying for a full year yet. I know so many other stories I've read where couples tried naturally for a year+ before looking into treatments and other options. We really only tried naturally for 4 months before Dr. N put me on Clomid. And now 3 months later, we're starting the real IF journey. We are blessed to have a doctor willing to help us now, instead of one telling us to come back in 5 months.

However, after my call with Dr. N, it all seems so real. I'm a bit terrified. I'm a bit overwhelmed. And I'm bit worried about my low threshold for pain.


I would like to cover my eyes and hide, but that won't get me answers or a baby. So, I must put on my big girl panties and face our first invasive procedure in about a week and a half.

*Warning: this could be too graphic for some...

Yup, that's a catheter. It will be stuck into my cervix. Then it will pump dye into my fallopian tubes to see if they are blocked. Dr. N thinks since I'm getting my period on a regular cycle, but still not ovulating that maybe I have scar tissue build up in my tubes. This will test that.

I've read a plethora of stories on Stirrup Queen. I want to know what I'm getting into - 50% say the pain is off the charts, worse than labor and birth while the other 50% say it isn't too bad. Yea, again, I'm terrified. I mean what part of the procedure even sounds pain free - sticking a catheter into your cervix?! My legs close up immediately and I tighten all my ladypart muscles just thinking about it.

The official procedure name is Hysterosalpingogram or HSG. Stirrup Queen has a great info article here. My HSG will occur on CD5. AF should arrive next Wed/Thur/Fri so that means somewhere around May 17 or 18, we'll graduate from just dipping our toes in the baby pool to diving into the deep end, head first.

Any one who doesn't have a horror story to share about a HSG, your comments would be much appreciated. Everyone else, just prayers and good thoughts. Again, I'm terrified.

Tears of...Clomid?

I have yet to see a double dark pink line on my 2x a day OPKs. I have seen quite a few dark faint lines - actually almost daily, especially at the 12 noon test. Le sigh.

I'm on day 23. I should be getting AF in one week from today.

The part I'm struggling with isn't the negative OPKs, or the fact that I'm going to get AF and not be pregnant another month in a row - its the side effects.

I don't know what is going on and its a new feeling that's started just in the past couple of days. I've been very lightheaded. I keep telling RCW I'm dizzy, but I don't know that that is the best description. Nothing is spinning around me like when I was little and I would spin in circles over and over because I thought it was fun or when in high school we'd sit in a computer chair and have our friends spin us around, again because it was fun. No, no one else did those things? I'm special, huh?!

Anyway, its an odd feeling similar to getting off a rollar coaster and still feeling like you're moving. Or getting off an elevator that you've been riding from 12 floors up, down to the ground. It comes and goes and I'm ready for it to leave. It makes me feel like I'm in a fog.

*****

Another side effect that isn't so fabulous is I'm uber emotional. I laid in bed last night and just cried for about 2 hours. I wasn't sad about anything in particular, I was just hit with the urge to cry and I didn't stop myself. I let go and cried. RCW was a saint and laid with me on the bed and tried to help. He finally convinced me at 9pm to get up, eat dinner and watch Glee on the DVR. I did my 9pm OPK test - another faint test line - and we ate and watched Glee. I laughed, I felt full, my head stopped spinning and the tears dried up.

Then when Glee was done, the 10pm news was on. It showed families in KY who were displaced due to the flooding. I felt my own personal flood coming and I cried again. I cried while I cleaned up from dinner, I cried while I got ready for bed and then once in bed I felt like I would never stop.

Again, RCW was amazing. He held my hand and didn't look at me like I was crazy. How far that man has come in the years we've been together.

At one point, as he laid there watching me cry and being a silent support, I apparently made a funny face...looking back, what happened was I was looking down while crying and the tears were bountiful. My eyes were getting full. For a brief moment, I popped my eyes open very big to let the tears fall out. This surprised RCW. I saw him give a look of shock and surprise, which made me laugh. So there I laid, laughing and crying. At times, not knowing which emotion was coming out. RCW was laughing too. And then as quickly as it all started, it stopped. I knew I HAD to get control, I needed sleep. I began deep breathing, finally stopped crying, stopped laughing and cuddled into RCW's arms to fall asleep.

*****

Thank goodness this morning I haven't cried yet. I've felt urges, but didn't give into them. The biggest urge was a good friend from high school who has battled IF just announced on FB this morning that she is pregnant and due in December! Congrats Katie!! I'm so happy and excited for you. You were my urge to cry - tears of joy for you, but honestly, yes, tears of sadness for us all at the same time. The constant give and take of dealing with IF.

I'm hoping my emotions and 'fog' are just side effects of the Clomid or possibly PMS. I'm not a huge fan of feeling like I'm in a depressed fog daily. When I get AF next week, I'll be calling my OBGYN and asking to come in for an appointment. We are suppose to do another round of Clomid, but after 3 months and not a single positive OPK, not to mention the side effects, I'd like to talk about doing testing now instead of late June.

A couple questions for my lovelies out there: 1) are these totally crazy side effects? 2) what should I be sure to ask about when talking to the doctor as we really start digging into IF?

A Taste of Kentucky

We live in Kentucky - Louisville, Kentucky to be exact. Maybe you heard of our fair city this past weekend? It hosts a little thing referred to as "The Greatest 2 Minutes in Sports" or "Run for the Roses"....still not sure? Ok, I'll spell it out for you - The Kentucky Derby!

Before we moved here, we weren't too interested in horse racing. There was a race in VA called Strawberry Hill Races, but that was more of an occasion to drink and party and certainly didn't come with all the festivities that the Derby does. The Derby is one of the reasons why I don't know that I can ever leave this city and if I do, my vacation would be to come back Derby Week!

We have The Derby Festival and it is packed full of events that start two weeks before Derby, which is always the first Saturday in May. Here is a sampling of RCW and I enjoying the fun!

Friday, April 23, 2010 -Balloon Glow

Hot air balloons converge on Louisville to participate in 3 different races. Sadly, due to wind and rain, all the races were canceled this year, but the nasty weather stopped long enough to have the Great Balloon Glow! All the entry balloons gather in a field at the state fairgrounds. People are encouraged to look around, visit with the balloon crews and the balloons take turns lighting up. The best is when the radio DJs hosting count down to an All Balloon Glow. Its gorgeous!

Monday, April 26, 2010 - Happy Tail Hour at Waterfront Park's Fest-a-Ville

Where to begin an explanation? There is a fabulous open air park in downtown Louisville, right on the Ohio River. For Derby, it becomes Fest-a-Ville with 2 different stages for local bands and national artists (Uncle Kracker and Rodney Atkins, anyone?!) All the carnies come out and create a strip of fried food heaven called The Chow Wagon. Why is it called that, no clue. This year's over the top fried treat - Fried Butter. I didn't see it, I didn't eat it and I can't imagine. Yuck. One night out of the numerous nights the Fest-a-Ville is open is for the local pet community. You can bring your pup, hang out, listen to music, eat delicious food and visit with local dog related vendors. Also worth mentioning, this is all free. You buy a Pegasus Pin at your local Kroger or at the door for $5 and that pin gets you free entrance to everything Derby related - it does not get you free food or beer though!

We met our friends Toby & Elizabeth there with their boys - Al & Oscar. After dinner, we paid a few bucks to a local rescue organization who had games set up! The pups could either Bob for a Plastic Duck in a Kiddie Pool and win a prize or they could Sniff for the Treat under 3 bowls. Our girls Sniffed The Treat and won a treat and a prize!
Family Portrait! Oscar is the won with his nose in my orange bag! He was looking for something yummy.
Thursday, April 29, 2010 - Pegasus Parade

No clue where Pegasus came from - any local Kentuckians reading know the story? - but this massive parade goes through downtown Louisville. This was our first year going and it will not be our last. I was like a little kid - lovin every second!

Parade Grand Marshals - Penny Chenery who owns Derby winner Secretariat and Diane Lane who stars in the new Disney movie, Secretariat.

Saturday, May 1, 2010 - 136th Kentucky Derby

We went to our friend's Annual Derby Party - sans a hat this year - and had a great time. Not to mention, I placed a bet on the winning horse ridden by an amazing jockey, Calvin Borel and won $80! Woo hoo!
For anyone who's been to the Derby, I'd love to hear your stories. For those who haven't, come to KY. It's an amazing experience and so much fun!! There is SO much that goes on in the city - we really do kinda shut down for 2 weeks - honestly, schools and most places of business are closed the Friday before Derby!

Does your city/state have any fun annual festivities?