Originally blogged on October 14, 2010
*****
Well I already knew and in all honesty it made the phone call much easier knowing what they were going to tell me, my HCG levels decreased and we're not pregnant.
The game plan: stop taking the Prometrium immediately and wait for my period to arrive. It should be here in 5-7 days so sometime next Tuesday - Thursday. When it arrives I'll call the RE for Cycle # 8 Day 1 and we'll start Clomid on CD3.
When I call to report CD1, I will be asking about taking Prometrium as a supplement to help my progesterone levels. If the nurse can't help then RCW and I plan on ensuring he takes off to go with me to CD12 ultrasound so we can ask some questions. Both of us still believe strongly that we got pregnant and due to my progesterone and whatever else, we lost the baby. We want to make sure we take any and all precautions to ensure the next time we get pregnant we don't lose it.
I'm still feeling very hopeful that we will get pregnant. Maybe not on our own. Maybe not by IUIs. But my heart is full of optimism that RCW and I will eventually have our own biological child. Perhaps this experience was truly a blessing in disguise.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Not Pregnant
Originally blogged on October 14, 2010
*****
This morning I caved into my temptations and took another home pregnancy test. I took it because I knew I would be going to have blood work taken this morning at 9am which meant I knew around 5pm this afternoon a doctor would be calling to tell me potential bad news. I wanted to be warned, I wanted a head's up. I didn't want to sit and dwell on it all day. So I took the test.
It clearly read Not Pregnant across its digital screen.
I knew. I knew in my heart and had a conversation with God before reading it this morning. I firmly believe we were pregnant and I lost our little nugget on either Monday or Tuesday when I was having heavier bleeding with clots coming out too - at 4 weeks, the little thing was only the size of a poppy seed. The bleeding has stopped completely now and I just knew based on knowing my levels from Monday afternoon. I'm glad I didn't need to have a D and C and I'm glad that she/he passed before being too formed so I didn't recognize anything while it was happening. I think my doctors will tell me it was a chemical pregnancy based on my HCG shot, but I don't believe that. Neither does RCW. It was negative Friday and positive Monday. Had it been a chemical pregnancy, Friday would have read positive too. We made a baby, but she/he wasn't healthy and wasn't meant to be part of our lives right now.
Strangely, I'm at peace with all of this. Its been a rough week but now that I know its over and done with, I'm at peace and not in limbo anymore. I know the coming days, weeks, months will be hard, but I've truly given this to God and He's taking care of things and helping me get through. He showed us we can get pregnant and I believe we will get pregnant at some point. He showed us the strength of our relationship. He taught me to lean on Him and give it to Him. He made us see how much we really want a child and one day He will grace us with our perfect little nugget.
*****
I did go in for blood work because 1. I knew the doctors wanted it and 2. I need for them to see I'm not pregnant anymore so we can discuss the next steps. RCW and I want to roll right into IUI#3, in my opinion the sooner the better. If you fall off the horse, you get right back on and in the saddle and that's what we're doing.
*****
This morning I caved into my temptations and took another home pregnancy test. I took it because I knew I would be going to have blood work taken this morning at 9am which meant I knew around 5pm this afternoon a doctor would be calling to tell me potential bad news. I wanted to be warned, I wanted a head's up. I didn't want to sit and dwell on it all day. So I took the test.
It clearly read Not Pregnant across its digital screen.
I knew. I knew in my heart and had a conversation with God before reading it this morning. I firmly believe we were pregnant and I lost our little nugget on either Monday or Tuesday when I was having heavier bleeding with clots coming out too - at 4 weeks, the little thing was only the size of a poppy seed. The bleeding has stopped completely now and I just knew based on knowing my levels from Monday afternoon. I'm glad I didn't need to have a D and C and I'm glad that she/he passed before being too formed so I didn't recognize anything while it was happening. I think my doctors will tell me it was a chemical pregnancy based on my HCG shot, but I don't believe that. Neither does RCW. It was negative Friday and positive Monday. Had it been a chemical pregnancy, Friday would have read positive too. We made a baby, but she/he wasn't healthy and wasn't meant to be part of our lives right now.
Strangely, I'm at peace with all of this. Its been a rough week but now that I know its over and done with, I'm at peace and not in limbo anymore. I know the coming days, weeks, months will be hard, but I've truly given this to God and He's taking care of things and helping me get through. He showed us we can get pregnant and I believe we will get pregnant at some point. He showed us the strength of our relationship. He taught me to lean on Him and give it to Him. He made us see how much we really want a child and one day He will grace us with our perfect little nugget.
*****
I did go in for blood work because 1. I knew the doctors wanted it and 2. I need for them to see I'm not pregnant anymore so we can discuss the next steps. RCW and I want to roll right into IUI#3, in my opinion the sooner the better. If you fall off the horse, you get right back on and in the saddle and that's what we're doing.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Wednesday - 4 weeks, 5 days pregnant
Originally blogged on October 13, 2010
*****
At this moment in time we are still pregnant. There is a little nugget growing inside of me right now. I've cut out my caffeine, gotten a lot of rest (mostly because I've been super tired, bedtime of 8:30pm the past two nights) and maintained eating meals instead of my usual skip a lunch or skip a breakfast routine. I've also been inserting my Prometrium each night before bed in hopes of upping my progesterone levels. The spotting hasn't stopped completely, but its lighter than its ever been. All of this leads me to believe I haven't miscarried...yet.
This then makes the matter so much more heart wrenching.
My RE recommended that I get re-tested today or tomorrow, but encouraged waiting as long as I could before going back for my second blood test. I'm holding out. I'm praying and hoping and wishing and waiting until tomorrow, Thursday to go back. Its not that hard, because part of me doesn't want to hear the news. I don't want to hear that our baby isn't viable or healthy. I don't want to hear that I've already lose her/him, will be losing her/him naturally or need a D and C.
My logical and emotional sides are in turmoil. I'm trying not to feel anything until something definitive happens, but its hard to ignore that we ARE pregnant. I've read so many blogs and stories of women who ache when seeing baby announcements or receiving invites to baby showers. I didn't understand, until now. On Monday afternoon, during the time between the call from my OBGYN and the call from my RE, my brother sent a text message picture of our nephew. I burst into tears all over again seeing it. I was so excited that we'd have a cousin for him come June, but now that is unknown. Seeing one little picture of him eating yogurt puffs killed me. I don't know how I'll manage to go to his first birthday party in a few weeks. We were all set to go, but I'm rethinking it. I just don't know that I can be around him and possibly other little ones and I don't want to be a burden or negative force at this joyous occasion. We aren't making any decisions yet, especially until we know what is happening with our little nugget, but its a thought in the back of my mind.
I don't know how you get over this. RCW and I both agreed last night we would have rather never been pregnant at all than to get pregnant and lose our baby.
*****
At this moment in time we are still pregnant. There is a little nugget growing inside of me right now. I've cut out my caffeine, gotten a lot of rest (mostly because I've been super tired, bedtime of 8:30pm the past two nights) and maintained eating meals instead of my usual skip a lunch or skip a breakfast routine. I've also been inserting my Prometrium each night before bed in hopes of upping my progesterone levels. The spotting hasn't stopped completely, but its lighter than its ever been. All of this leads me to believe I haven't miscarried...yet.
This then makes the matter so much more heart wrenching.
My RE recommended that I get re-tested today or tomorrow, but encouraged waiting as long as I could before going back for my second blood test. I'm holding out. I'm praying and hoping and wishing and waiting until tomorrow, Thursday to go back. Its not that hard, because part of me doesn't want to hear the news. I don't want to hear that our baby isn't viable or healthy. I don't want to hear that I've already lose her/him, will be losing her/him naturally or need a D and C.
My logical and emotional sides are in turmoil. I'm trying not to feel anything until something definitive happens, but its hard to ignore that we ARE pregnant. I've read so many blogs and stories of women who ache when seeing baby announcements or receiving invites to baby showers. I didn't understand, until now. On Monday afternoon, during the time between the call from my OBGYN and the call from my RE, my brother sent a text message picture of our nephew. I burst into tears all over again seeing it. I was so excited that we'd have a cousin for him come June, but now that is unknown. Seeing one little picture of him eating yogurt puffs killed me. I don't know how I'll manage to go to his first birthday party in a few weeks. We were all set to go, but I'm rethinking it. I just don't know that I can be around him and possibly other little ones and I don't want to be a burden or negative force at this joyous occasion. We aren't making any decisions yet, especially until we know what is happening with our little nugget, but its a thought in the back of my mind.
I don't know how you get over this. RCW and I both agreed last night we would have rather never been pregnant at all than to get pregnant and lose our baby.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
News from RE
Thanks for all the comments yesterday loves. It meant so much to read them all. October 11th was definitely a hard day for us, but we still believe everything happens for a reason and we'll get our bambino one day! I'm sorry for the spoilers, I just felt like I needed to let everyone know and I also knew personally I couldn't handle getting notes of congratulations from readers who didn't know what happened. Once I get you all caught up from IUI#2 and #3 in the next few days, we'll be all caught up!
Originally blogged October 12, 2010
*****
I've managed to get myself into a bit of a dueling doctors situation since my RE is in Cincinnati and my OBGYN here in Louisville. It happened because I went to my OBGYN's office for my blood work.
Yesterday afternoon, at 4pm, I hadn't heard from anyone. Don't they understand how frustrating that is?! My OBGYN closes at 4:30pm so I called to ask if the results had been sent to the RE. They had and the nurse left a message for my OBGYN, Dr. N to call me back with results.
About 15 minutes later she called and that conversation is detailed in a previous post.
I had also called the RE's office. I just wanted the results, I didn't care who gave them to me! Nurse Christi called me around 4:20pm to say that Dr. S reviews all patient results between 4:30-5pm, so she'd be calling within the next 30 minutes. I got home and cried. I tried to pull myself together before she called and luckily I did.
Nurse Christi called to say: Dr. S reviewed your results and your p4 is low. p4 measures your progesterone levels. He wants to start you on a supplement right away to see if it will help. What's your pharmacy's number? You'll take Prometrium vaginally and then retest your numbers in a couple of days. Wednesday or Thursday, but the longer you wait, the better you'll be. Most women miss their period, take a home pregnancy test and then aren't seen by a doctor for 8-10 weeks. You're seen early because of everything you're going through to get pregnant. Your numbers could just be low, or of course you could have a chemical pregnancy because of the HCG trigger shot (this doesn't make any sense to me since I tested NOT pregnant on Friday morning).
I'm numb.
RCW is being logical.
We both feel blessed that 1. RCW is home right now and not out of town because that would suck and 2. we know we CAN get pregnant.
I think the fault lies with me and my eggs. I don't know for certain, but its hard nonetheless. There is a small slice of me that is still hopeful that the supplements will work and help our baby grow and we'll be delivering her/him on June 17, 2011. But its a very small slice. My logical mind knows this baby will not survive, odds are against it. My emotional heart just won't let go until I lose her/him in a few days.
The journey just continues to be trying and gets more difficult with each cycle.
******
If I do lose the baby and my natural period begins, we'll be rolling right into IUI#3. At least this has renewed my hope that we CAN get pregnant. We'll know by the end of 2010 if 1. we're pregnant because IUI#2, IUI# 3 or IUI#4 worked or 2. we need IVF treatments.
Originally blogged October 12, 2010
*****
I've managed to get myself into a bit of a dueling doctors situation since my RE is in Cincinnati and my OBGYN here in Louisville. It happened because I went to my OBGYN's office for my blood work.
Yesterday afternoon, at 4pm, I hadn't heard from anyone. Don't they understand how frustrating that is?! My OBGYN closes at 4:30pm so I called to ask if the results had been sent to the RE. They had and the nurse left a message for my OBGYN, Dr. N to call me back with results.
About 15 minutes later she called and that conversation is detailed in a previous post.
I had also called the RE's office. I just wanted the results, I didn't care who gave them to me! Nurse Christi called me around 4:20pm to say that Dr. S reviews all patient results between 4:30-5pm, so she'd be calling within the next 30 minutes. I got home and cried. I tried to pull myself together before she called and luckily I did.
Nurse Christi called to say: Dr. S reviewed your results and your p4 is low. p4 measures your progesterone levels. He wants to start you on a supplement right away to see if it will help. What's your pharmacy's number? You'll take Prometrium vaginally and then retest your numbers in a couple of days. Wednesday or Thursday, but the longer you wait, the better you'll be. Most women miss their period, take a home pregnancy test and then aren't seen by a doctor for 8-10 weeks. You're seen early because of everything you're going through to get pregnant. Your numbers could just be low, or of course you could have a chemical pregnancy because of the HCG trigger shot (this doesn't make any sense to me since I tested NOT pregnant on Friday morning).
I'm numb.
RCW is being logical.
We both feel blessed that 1. RCW is home right now and not out of town because that would suck and 2. we know we CAN get pregnant.
I think the fault lies with me and my eggs. I don't know for certain, but its hard nonetheless. There is a small slice of me that is still hopeful that the supplements will work and help our baby grow and we'll be delivering her/him on June 17, 2011. But its a very small slice. My logical mind knows this baby will not survive, odds are against it. My emotional heart just won't let go until I lose her/him in a few days.
The journey just continues to be trying and gets more difficult with each cycle.
******
If I do lose the baby and my natural period begins, we'll be rolling right into IUI#3. At least this has renewed my hope that we CAN get pregnant. We'll know by the end of 2010 if 1. we're pregnant because IUI#2, IUI# 3 or IUI#4 worked or 2. we need IVF treatments.
Friday, November 26, 2010
one of the worst days of our journey
Disclaimer: This one post is SUPER long. I didn't want to drag it out for 5 days of posts so I'm putting everything that happened on October 11, 2010 into one big post. I've never had so many emotions in one day as I did on October 11. From pure joy to complete sadness to indescribable hope. I also feel as though I must post a spoiler for any lovelies reading this and going through your own IF journey. We are currently NOT pregnant and are hoping to gear up for IUI#4. Another spoiler, we had our IUI#4 ultrasound on Wednesday, 2 days ago. I thought we'd be having IUI#4 today, Black Friday, but I didn't have any mature follicles. I don't think I responded to my 6th round of 100mg Clomid, but we're going back to Cincinnati tomorrow, Saturday, for another ultrasound to see if any of those little follies grew. I'm hoping slow and steady wins the race and keep telling myself that its because (I think) CD1 was counted a day early, thus the Clomid was a day early too. We shall see what appears on the screen at 8:45am Saturday. Either some big follies ready to grow into a baby or nothing and we won't waste an IUI cycle. So, despite what happened on October 11, 2010, we are still on our journey. The stories that are below are our story. Our life. I want to share. To maybe help others struggling. I can't share our journey without sharing this part, even though it sucks reliving it.
*****
O...M...G....*****
Originally blogged on October 11, 2010 at 6:52 AM
As promised I woke up this morning and took a home pregnancy test. It was the last one we had in our bathroom cabinets. I peed into the cup, counted out 20-Mississippi and set the test on the counter. RCW poked his head in the bathroom to say good morning and said, "OMG, I can't believe you're wasting a test." I told him I just wanted to be sure before calling the doctor this morning and starting Clomid, possibly today.
I washed my face, my hands and then put in my right contact.
I couldn't help myself and glanced at the test. This is what I saw...
Yup! The first positive thing I've EVER seen on anything pregnancy related!!!!I ran down the hallway, half blind and half dressed, burst into our second bathroom where RCW was (at this point, who cares?!) and basically threw the test at him. He just started laughing and said, "No way!!!". I said, "I know, this is crazy!!!" He suggested I go put my other eyeball in and get dressed.
I did and then called the RE and left a voicemail saying, "What now!? We want to confirm this is true."
I also mentioned that I wished we had more tests so I could just take another one and see what it said. RCW said not to waste any and then about 5 minutes later said, "Do you really want to take another?" "Of course!!!", I replied. He asked if Wal-Mart Market would have them and I said they should, so off he went. I started drinking more water, but at this point, have not had to pee again. Come on pee!
RCW had to leave for work, but before he did we took this picture.
Hopefully this will be just one of the beginning pictures in our baby's babybook. Yesterday I blogged about false hope, please God don't let this be a false positive.*****
one more moment of truth
Originally blogged on October 11, 2010 at 7:15 AM
I'm waiting patiently for my second home pregnancy test of the morning to stop rotating an hour glass.
I'm nervous.
What if it says Not Pregnant.
My heart will break even more than I thought possible. Prayers have been said for strength, comfort and knowing we will be parents in God's time. Somehow, knowing and completely believing that, doesn't always make this road easier.
One...Two...Three....here I go back to the bathroom to check on what our possible future may be....
IT SAID PREGNANT!!!!!
I'm still in disbelief and won't really believe it until we're past the first trimester. Too many things could happen and I've read too many stories about bad things happening. I'm also weary as to why I'm still spotting for the past 6 days and when I say spotting, I mean light brown blood and sometimes there are hunks of what look like lining. It's small and nothing compared to what comes out when I'm really on my period, but still. Makes me nervous and curious, especially in light of this morning's news!We'll see what happens when the RE calls back. Oh My Gosh!!! I just can't believe it!
*****
Blood Work and Waiting
Originally blogged on October 11, 2010 at 11:08 AMThe RE called me back this morning around 8:30am. It was Nurse Christi. She was rude and it pissed me off. She said, "I just received your long message. Where do you live? Oh, you AREN'T in Cincinnati? Ok, well find a lab and then call me back with the fax number and I'll send them a request for a pregnancy test. Well just Google Quest labs or just call any hospital. I'm just trying to help you and save you a trip to Cincinnati today."
Thanks Nurse Christi, I'll just go do some research and get back with you. No matter I'm freaking out because are we really pregnant?! Sigh.
*****
I called my OBGYN's office when they opened at 9am. They could bring me in for lab work any time today. Just come in whenever and have the RE's office fax in whatever information they needed from my blood work. Fabulous!
I called the RE's office back and left the fax number. Went into my 9am meeting a few minutes late and by 9:30am I was on the road to my OBGYN's office. On the way there, Nurse Christi called again to tell me she had just faxed over the request. She redeemed herself ever so slightly by telling me that if I was indeed pregnant they would call me as soon as they had the lab results and then also telling me I wouldn't be released to the care of my OBGYN until I was 8 weeks along. She explained that with the OBGYN's office they wouldn't run an ultrasound until Week 10-12, but the RE's office will perform an ultrasound at 6 weeks and again at 8 weeks. If all is looking good, I'll be released to my regular OBGYN.
I'm still in disbelief that this could all be real and happening!!!!
I arrived at the OBGYN's office and waited. It seemed like the longest wait ever! Finally they called me back and they took a vial of my blood. The nurse said the other office (my RE's office) would call me this afternoon. I double checked, THIS afternoon?! She said, yes!
Now I wait. How am I suppose to concentrate or do anything while I wait?!
Through all of this, patience is still not my strongest virtue.
*****
First Call with my OBGYN
Originally blogged October 11, 2010 at 11:51 AM
Because of my spotting, I left a message for my OBGYN to call me back. I wanted her opinion, not Nurse Christi's.
She just called and while I still don't have the blood work back yet, she went over some details. Like, I'll have to go back on Wednesday morning for more blood work. They want to see my numbers increasing. I'll have the Beta HCG on Wednesday. If my numbers increase from today to Wednesday, then we should have a viable pregnancy! CRAZY!!!
She also mentioned that many people have different thoughts on Metformin while pregnant. She's read and seen women who stay on it the first trimester and studies show staying on Metformin the first trimester can lead to a decrease in miscarriage. That sounds fabulous to me, but we'll see what the RE's office has to say, they should be the experts on this, right?
Finally, she told me no more sex right now. She said while sex wouldn't cause a miscarriage it could make me spot/bleed more and that would just worry me so we should abstain. Now I'm wondering if the bleeding is from the sex...we were having sex this weekend to try and make me get my period. Sigh. She also told me 30% of women spot in early pregnancy and obviously we want it to stop, but unless it gets heavier or I see bright red blood, I shouldn't be too concerned. Once we get past 10 weeks, which is early December, we can stop worrying about miscarriage. I really don't want to tell anyone until we're at least 10 weeks pregnant or through the first trimester. I can't imagine sharing this news with everyone and then losing the baby.
Now I must remain patient and wait to hear how the blood work comes out and then wait again for Wednesday's results. But either by the end of today or the end of this week, we'll know 100% if we're pregnant or not!!!
Again, CRAZY!!!!
*****
Just Kidding
Originally blogged October 11, 2010 at 4:18 PM
My lab work came back in. It wasn't good and my OBGYN isn't hopeful. She told me she was sorry to give bad news, but wanted to be realistic.
My beta is 22.
My progesterone level is 1.4.
Normal progesterone is 10-12 and anything under 5 usually shows an unhealthy pregnancy. Yea and I'm 1.4.
So its positive, but more than likely that little bean isn't healthy or viable and won't make it to full term. Especially with my progesterone level so low and my spotting.
*sad face*
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Blessed
Happy Thanksgiving to one and all! 2010 has been a rough year. Probably one of the toughest I've ever had. While I thought I'd be pregnant by now (and sorry to spoil the ongoing post story, we are not) I still know that I have so much to be thankful for this holiday. RCW and I are in a strong loving marriage, we have our furbabies, our relationship with God has been growing. We have our beautiful home and we both have jobs, which is something to be truly thankful for in our current economy. We have amazing friends and a wonderful family. And despite the bad days, we have the hope and faith that one day we'll be parents. We are blessed.
This Thanksgiving was our first on our own. Due to IUI#4's schedule we couldn't make it back to RVA and it didn't make much sense for family to travel out to Louisville. I didn't let our 2 person holiday damper our dinner. We had all the usual fixin's including a 20 pound turkey! I think I cooked for 24 hours with 8 hours of sleep inbetween. It was worth it because everything was delicious. We even used RCW and my mom's iPhones to facetime with our family in RVA to have my dad's traditional Thanksgiving prayer together. It meant so much to me as I was really struggling with not being with family this year - a first for me. We enjoyed our two person dinner, even breaking out the fancy china. And of course we have pictures to document Thanksgiving 2010! Enjoy!
RCW carved the turkey and then gave some treats to the girls. I love this picture because their tails are all blurred from wagging some fast at the prospect of getting Thanksgiving turkey!
All the fixin's - mashed potatoes, stuffing, butter beans, gravy, broccoli casserole and corn pudding
Table for 4.
Hello to everyone in RVA!! Made the distance a bit smaller, even if just for a few minutes.
After Daddy's grace, it was time to eat at our house! YUM!
So...it wouldn't be a special day if I didn't come up with a photoshoot. I mean, seriously. I decided that the girls could sit at the table in the chairs for a picture. Right?!? Right! Well, it wasn't that easy...the girls didn't like it one bit despite being fed turkey and having giant puppy treats in front of them. This was our first picture, but the camera was set on a timer to take 5 in a row. Here is the progression. Seriously, I have the best husband...
Take one. Good thing we got one with all 4 of us at the table!
Loucie is looking to get down...
Loucie is GONE!
Loucie pulled her chair over and Dallas is now GONE!
Both chairs gone and all we can do is look at each other and laugh! Thank goodness for my patient husband and for a camera with a timer to capture this adventure.
Since the girls were so good, they got their personalized turkey puppy treats from Three Dog Bakery.
Happy Thanksgiving! I hope that through all the clouds that may be looming over some of our heads, each of you were able to find the silver lining and realize how blessed we each really are today.
This Thanksgiving was our first on our own. Due to IUI#4's schedule we couldn't make it back to RVA and it didn't make much sense for family to travel out to Louisville. I didn't let our 2 person holiday damper our dinner. We had all the usual fixin's including a 20 pound turkey! I think I cooked for 24 hours with 8 hours of sleep inbetween. It was worth it because everything was delicious. We even used RCW and my mom's iPhones to facetime with our family in RVA to have my dad's traditional Thanksgiving prayer together. It meant so much to me as I was really struggling with not being with family this year - a first for me. We enjoyed our two person dinner, even breaking out the fancy china. And of course we have pictures to document Thanksgiving 2010! Enjoy!
RCW carved the turkey and then gave some treats to the girls. I love this picture because their tails are all blurred from wagging some fast at the prospect of getting Thanksgiving turkey!
All the fixin's - mashed potatoes, stuffing, butter beans, gravy, broccoli casserole and corn pudding
Table for 4.
Hello to everyone in RVA!! Made the distance a bit smaller, even if just for a few minutes.
After Daddy's grace, it was time to eat at our house! YUM!
So...it wouldn't be a special day if I didn't come up with a photoshoot. I mean, seriously. I decided that the girls could sit at the table in the chairs for a picture. Right?!? Right! Well, it wasn't that easy...the girls didn't like it one bit despite being fed turkey and having giant puppy treats in front of them. This was our first picture, but the camera was set on a timer to take 5 in a row. Here is the progression. Seriously, I have the best husband...Take one. Good thing we got one with all 4 of us at the table!
Loucie is looking to get down...
Loucie is GONE!
Loucie pulled her chair over and Dallas is now GONE!
Both chairs gone and all we can do is look at each other and laugh! Thank goodness for my patient husband and for a camera with a timer to capture this adventure.
Since the girls were so good, they got their personalized turkey puppy treats from Three Dog Bakery.
Happy Thanksgiving! I hope that through all the clouds that may be looming over some of our heads, each of you were able to find the silver lining and realize how blessed we each really are today.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
False Hope
Originally blogged on October 10, 2010
*****
So light brown spotting began Wednesday. Its now Sunday morning. Still no sign of bright red, full flow period. Where is she?
I've read stories of people taking home pregnancy tests early and getting a negative, then their period never shows, they take another test and its positive.
False hope.
Despite truly believing the IUI did not work, its hard not to have false hope right now. I know I had at least 3 eggs. I know I had a good heavy uterine lining. I know I had an HCG shot that triggered ovulation. So, where is my period?
So far, I've used a couple tampons, just in case she showed and not a single one of them has been covered. Just some dried brown blood when I take them out and yes, some gunk which could be lining or eggs, but nothing substantial, nothing that makes me believe my period has really arrived. This is not normal for me. I know Clomid can cause a light period, but really, right now, this isn't any type of period.
I'm suppose to call the RE's office tomorrow morning if she still hasn't shown to discuss when my Cycle Day 1 really was so I can start IUI#3 and my next round of Clomid at 100mg. More than likely I'll take another pregnancy test before calling because seriously, where is my period?
I hate that my brain, the logical or RCW may argue semi-logical part of me can't convince my heart and my emotions that it didn't work and my period is just missing or being really light. As much as I know we should strive to stay optimistic during this journey, the false hope really does sting at times like right now.
*****
So light brown spotting began Wednesday. Its now Sunday morning. Still no sign of bright red, full flow period. Where is she?
I've read stories of people taking home pregnancy tests early and getting a negative, then their period never shows, they take another test and its positive.
False hope.
Despite truly believing the IUI did not work, its hard not to have false hope right now. I know I had at least 3 eggs. I know I had a good heavy uterine lining. I know I had an HCG shot that triggered ovulation. So, where is my period?
So far, I've used a couple tampons, just in case she showed and not a single one of them has been covered. Just some dried brown blood when I take them out and yes, some gunk which could be lining or eggs, but nothing substantial, nothing that makes me believe my period has really arrived. This is not normal for me. I know Clomid can cause a light period, but really, right now, this isn't any type of period.
I'm suppose to call the RE's office tomorrow morning if she still hasn't shown to discuss when my Cycle Day 1 really was so I can start IUI#3 and my next round of Clomid at 100mg. More than likely I'll take another pregnancy test before calling because seriously, where is my period?
I hate that my brain, the logical or RCW may argue semi-logical part of me can't convince my heart and my emotions that it didn't work and my period is just missing or being really light. As much as I know we should strive to stay optimistic during this journey, the false hope really does sting at times like right now.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
IUI#2 Did Not Work
Originally blogged on October 8, 2010
*****
I didn't think it would work. Do you think I was foreshadowing, having a self fulfilling prophecy? I don't know, I was SO hopeful after the ultrasound showed 2 large follies, but something just didn't feel like it was THE ONE after the IUI. Maybe it was just guarding myself after being so heartbroken by #1 not working. I don't know.
Anyway, Wednesday morning I saw some light brown blood. Remember, I blogged about crying on the way to work. Well, there was no more blood all day and all night until it was bedtime. And then, there it was. Brown blood, bright red blood. It was here. I put in a tampon and went to bed where I cried and cried and cried. Poor RCW just held me, not knowing what to say to make it all better. I thought it wouldn't hurt as badly the second time, I was wrong. I think it was worse, despite not ever thinking it even worked. It just means we're that much closer to having to face down a IVF. I can't imagine the heart ache when and if #3 and #4 don't work.
Thursday morning yet again the blood had disappeared. And once again I went all day and this time all night without seeing any blood. So, this morning just for my sanity I took a home pregnancy test. Of course, it was negative.
We're crafting Halloween costumes today at home and waiting. Waiting for my period to show up in full force so we can start Cycle #8 with Day #1. Ovidrel shot has already been ordered and will arrive next Friday, October 15. IUI#3 will be around Oct 21-23 and only time will tell if Dr. S will up my meds or maintain me at 100mg. Again, we must be thankful that my body is working and my period is showing up on her own. We still have some tries left and I'm praying and will try my best to remain optimistic.
*****
I didn't think it would work. Do you think I was foreshadowing, having a self fulfilling prophecy? I don't know, I was SO hopeful after the ultrasound showed 2 large follies, but something just didn't feel like it was THE ONE after the IUI. Maybe it was just guarding myself after being so heartbroken by #1 not working. I don't know.
Anyway, Wednesday morning I saw some light brown blood. Remember, I blogged about crying on the way to work. Well, there was no more blood all day and all night until it was bedtime. And then, there it was. Brown blood, bright red blood. It was here. I put in a tampon and went to bed where I cried and cried and cried. Poor RCW just held me, not knowing what to say to make it all better. I thought it wouldn't hurt as badly the second time, I was wrong. I think it was worse, despite not ever thinking it even worked. It just means we're that much closer to having to face down a IVF. I can't imagine the heart ache when and if #3 and #4 don't work.
Thursday morning yet again the blood had disappeared. And once again I went all day and this time all night without seeing any blood. So, this morning just for my sanity I took a home pregnancy test. Of course, it was negative.
We're crafting Halloween costumes today at home and waiting. Waiting for my period to show up in full force so we can start Cycle #8 with Day #1. Ovidrel shot has already been ordered and will arrive next Friday, October 15. IUI#3 will be around Oct 21-23 and only time will tell if Dr. S will up my meds or maintain me at 100mg. Again, we must be thankful that my body is working and my period is showing up on her own. We still have some tries left and I'm praying and will try my best to remain optimistic.
Monday, November 22, 2010
I cried on the way to work today...
Originally blogged October 6, 2010
*****
I was up a good portion of last night with an upset stomach and cramping. I've finally learned how to tell the difference between possible period/baby cramping and Metformin induced intestine cramping. The first occurs low and often on just one side. The latter happens higher and in the heart of my abdomen. Last night was just Metformin side effects. After finally getting a few hours of uninterrupted sleep, RCW got up and showered, I drifted back to sleep and then he was kissing me goodbye and letting me know it was earlier than normal, just 6:25am, not his usual 6:45am. We said our goodbyes, I heard the front door beep open and then beep shut and I went back to sleep for an hour. The sun and the girls woke me by 7:30am.
I felt fine, I got up and went to the bathroom. I peed and peed and peed. I've been peeing so much lately! When I wiped the first time, nothing. Then I wiped a second time and there was VERY faint brown spots on the toilet paper. My heart stopped. I wiped again and again and again and nothing.
Is this my period coming? Is this implantation bleeding? Of course its my period as I've already declared I don't think IUI#2 worked. I texted RCW and went back to getting ready for work.
I was fine.
I left the house, went to McDonald's for Monopoly points and was fine.
I left McDonald's and started the drive to work. As I was pulling out of McDonald's parking lot I could feel the tears coming. I tried praying, I tried deep breathing, I tried calming myself down. Telling myself it was ok, I didn't think it worked, we'll get pregnant in God's time. I prayed for strength and hope and faith and for it to be ok.
It didn't work, I cried. Slow tears sled down my cheeks and I felt them hot hitting my chest. I immersed myself into KLove - the songs, the morning chat, the stories - and kept gently crying. Finally about 3/4 of the way into work, the tears stopped. I was able to compose myself and not walk into the office looking like a mess!
Despite thinking the IUI didn't work, it still hurts. It hurts to know for certain it didn't. I can't trick myself into not feeling emotions about this. Despite my head believing it did not work, my heart still holds a piece of hope. When I see the blood, my heart just breaks. We're one step closer to IVF, which is scary and expensive and will be a trial for me as we won't qualify for an IVF until I lose at least another 50-75 pounds. Sigh.
I'll probably cry at least once more today too. I guess its normal, mourning a loss of something you want so badly.
*****
I was up a good portion of last night with an upset stomach and cramping. I've finally learned how to tell the difference between possible period/baby cramping and Metformin induced intestine cramping. The first occurs low and often on just one side. The latter happens higher and in the heart of my abdomen. Last night was just Metformin side effects. After finally getting a few hours of uninterrupted sleep, RCW got up and showered, I drifted back to sleep and then he was kissing me goodbye and letting me know it was earlier than normal, just 6:25am, not his usual 6:45am. We said our goodbyes, I heard the front door beep open and then beep shut and I went back to sleep for an hour. The sun and the girls woke me by 7:30am.
I felt fine, I got up and went to the bathroom. I peed and peed and peed. I've been peeing so much lately! When I wiped the first time, nothing. Then I wiped a second time and there was VERY faint brown spots on the toilet paper. My heart stopped. I wiped again and again and again and nothing.
Is this my period coming? Is this implantation bleeding? Of course its my period as I've already declared I don't think IUI#2 worked. I texted RCW and went back to getting ready for work.
I was fine.
I left the house, went to McDonald's for Monopoly points and was fine.
I left McDonald's and started the drive to work. As I was pulling out of McDonald's parking lot I could feel the tears coming. I tried praying, I tried deep breathing, I tried calming myself down. Telling myself it was ok, I didn't think it worked, we'll get pregnant in God's time. I prayed for strength and hope and faith and for it to be ok.
It didn't work, I cried. Slow tears sled down my cheeks and I felt them hot hitting my chest. I immersed myself into KLove - the songs, the morning chat, the stories - and kept gently crying. Finally about 3/4 of the way into work, the tears stopped. I was able to compose myself and not walk into the office looking like a mess!
Despite thinking the IUI didn't work, it still hurts. It hurts to know for certain it didn't. I can't trick myself into not feeling emotions about this. Despite my head believing it did not work, my heart still holds a piece of hope. When I see the blood, my heart just breaks. We're one step closer to IVF, which is scary and expensive and will be a trial for me as we won't qualify for an IVF until I lose at least another 50-75 pounds. Sigh.
I'll probably cry at least once more today too. I guess its normal, mourning a loss of something you want so badly.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Update...10 Days Post IUI#2
Originally blogged on October 4, 2010
*****
I don't have anything to share so this post is a bit scattered.
Let me state this...I don't think I'm pregnant, I don't think the IUI worked. I'm having some dark moments of wondering if we'll ever get pregnant with an IUI. Then I have happy moments too and I've had so many dreams the past week in which we have a baby in our arms!
The past 10 days have just been a blur though. We told all of our family and friends we weren't doing IUI#2 because it coincided with my busy time at work for two weeks. However, in hindsight, I'm glad we did it now because my mind has been focused on other things. Just like with IUI#1, we had it and then went to the beach for a week. It's nice to be able to not spend 24/7 dwelling on "did it work or not?".
If my cycle stays around 28 days, then I should be looking for my period on Friday, October 8th. In one week, we'll know for certain whether IUI#2 was our lucky one!
Right now - no symptoms, I don't think. I haven't felt sick once. My lower stomach has tweaks, like last time, and sometimes hurts, especially at night. My boobs haven't been sore, but my nipples have. And I'm tired all the time, but that could easily be from my long work nights. And I'm starving all the time, just like the last post mentioned. I think I could eat 24/7 and still not be full. Its odd and not typical of me for the past few months. Oh and my hair is falling out, but that's been going on for a few weeks now since before the IUI. Its not fun. The waiting is the hardest part, but I'm still glad we didn't tell anyone because letting others know it didn't work, is truly the hardest part of all of this.
*****
I don't have anything to share so this post is a bit scattered.
Let me state this...I don't think I'm pregnant, I don't think the IUI worked. I'm having some dark moments of wondering if we'll ever get pregnant with an IUI. Then I have happy moments too and I've had so many dreams the past week in which we have a baby in our arms!
The past 10 days have just been a blur though. We told all of our family and friends we weren't doing IUI#2 because it coincided with my busy time at work for two weeks. However, in hindsight, I'm glad we did it now because my mind has been focused on other things. Just like with IUI#1, we had it and then went to the beach for a week. It's nice to be able to not spend 24/7 dwelling on "did it work or not?".
If my cycle stays around 28 days, then I should be looking for my period on Friday, October 8th. In one week, we'll know for certain whether IUI#2 was our lucky one!
Right now - no symptoms, I don't think. I haven't felt sick once. My lower stomach has tweaks, like last time, and sometimes hurts, especially at night. My boobs haven't been sore, but my nipples have. And I'm tired all the time, but that could easily be from my long work nights. And I'm starving all the time, just like the last post mentioned. I think I could eat 24/7 and still not be full. Its odd and not typical of me for the past few months. Oh and my hair is falling out, but that's been going on for a few weeks now since before the IUI. Its not fun. The waiting is the hardest part, but I'm still glad we didn't tell anyone because letting others know it didn't work, is truly the hardest part of all of this.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
just because...
Originally blogged on September 29, 2010
*****
Text conversation between RCW and I today...
Me: I'm so hungry like I haven't eaten in ages...I'm about to devour my lunch and its only 11 :(
RCW: Any cravings? Like pickles and ice cream? :)~ jk
Me: Haha no, no cravings! :-p I'm not feeling pregnant :( If I had to bet, I'd bet it didn't work. Blah.
RCW: Merrr, that's sad. Be positive, the baby needs good vibes ;)
Me: Haha ok I'm POSITIVE it didn't work ;)
RCW: omg, u r a reTARD!
*RCW's last comment, based on Jennifer Aniston-retard-Special Olympics controversy of Summer 2010 and our friend's new pronunciation of the word as to not offend anyone.
**I was hesitant to post this one because of possible controversy. I understand that some words can be used in slang or be used to offend. I don't want to offend anyone, but I've always been honest on my blog and I felt compelled to continue that honesty. Please don't unfollow me!
*****
Text conversation between RCW and I today...
Me: I'm so hungry like I haven't eaten in ages...I'm about to devour my lunch and its only 11 :(
RCW: Any cravings? Like pickles and ice cream? :)~ jk
Me: Haha no, no cravings! :-p I'm not feeling pregnant :( If I had to bet, I'd bet it didn't work. Blah.
RCW: Merrr, that's sad. Be positive, the baby needs good vibes ;)
Me: Haha ok I'm POSITIVE it didn't work ;)
RCW: omg, u r a reTARD!
*RCW's last comment, based on Jennifer Aniston-retard-Special Olympics controversy of Summer 2010 and our friend's new pronunciation of the word as to not offend anyone.
**I was hesitant to post this one because of possible controversy. I understand that some words can be used in slang or be used to offend. I don't want to offend anyone, but I've always been honest on my blog and I felt compelled to continue that honesty. Please don't unfollow me!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Quick Update
Originally blogged on September 27, 2010
*****
Its been 3 days since IUI#2.
Nothing much to give details on. I'm still feeling hopeful. A friend told me she had a dream I was pregnant. RCW keeps patting my belly and making me be calm and still to help 'make the baby'.
I think this 2 week + 2 day wait will be worse than last time. Last time, it was our first time. We were on vacation for a week of the wait and our routine wasn't anywhere near normal. This time, we're not only on a normal work schedule, but I'm stuck at work for extra hours. Also, since IUI#1 did not work and I saw the signs of AF, I'm anxiously waiting to see signs this time too. Again, I'm hopeful, but realistic that it could not work again.
I'm feeling some twinges in my lower stomach, same as last time. I've had increased nausea and bits of dizziness or vertigo. My nipples are tender, but actual boobs are fine. My stomach feels bloated and its not pain free to sleep on my stomach like usual. I'm hesitant to read too much into any of this because I could be reacting to the Ovidrel or just getting ready for AF to arrive. Many of these 'signs' showed up with IUI#1 and convinced me I was pregnant, I don't want to fall into that trap again. I'd rather be overwhelmingly surprised than disappointed in the next few days.
*****
Its been 3 days since IUI#2.
Nothing much to give details on. I'm still feeling hopeful. A friend told me she had a dream I was pregnant. RCW keeps patting my belly and making me be calm and still to help 'make the baby'.
I think this 2 week + 2 day wait will be worse than last time. Last time, it was our first time. We were on vacation for a week of the wait and our routine wasn't anywhere near normal. This time, we're not only on a normal work schedule, but I'm stuck at work for extra hours. Also, since IUI#1 did not work and I saw the signs of AF, I'm anxiously waiting to see signs this time too. Again, I'm hopeful, but realistic that it could not work again.
I'm feeling some twinges in my lower stomach, same as last time. I've had increased nausea and bits of dizziness or vertigo. My nipples are tender, but actual boobs are fine. My stomach feels bloated and its not pain free to sleep on my stomach like usual. I'm hesitant to read too much into any of this because I could be reacting to the Ovidrel or just getting ready for AF to arrive. Many of these 'signs' showed up with IUI#1 and convinced me I was pregnant, I don't want to fall into that trap again. I'd rather be overwhelmingly surprised than disappointed in the next few days.
white castle for breakfast
I feel the need to interject here from the comments that kept popping into my inbox throughout the day...I get it White Castle, especially White Castle breakfast, is gross. I do not enjoy White Castle. I understand that White Castle is not healthy when we're trying to make a baby, especially for me, but my hubs is a big guy and a 190 calorie breakfast sandwich be it from McDonald's, Burger King or White Castle isn't going to make or break his diet at the end of the day. And just to put it out there, I don't like bologna, I've never eaten bologna and if White Castle had had RCW's beloved sandwich, I still would have made him take me somewhere else.
We didn't have White Castle growing up in RVA and for that I am glad. I didn't learn of this place until we moved to the midwest. Ahh, Southern Indiana. It became a place to grab food on the way home from the bars. I mean when you're a bit intoxicated how cute are those sliders?! And for whatever reason, the grease just tastes oh so delicious. But honestly, I don't think I've ever eaten in a White Castle sober and my total times there could be counted on one hand. But seriously, in other parts of the world do they not sell White Castle brand sliders in your grocery's freezer section? Because they do here and I guess someone is buying them up. Perhaps it could be a White Castle Thanksgiving for those not wanting to deal with a 20 pound turkey *wink*
However, if you're a construction/land surveyor/out in the field manly man in Kentucky, apparently White Castle is the place to go for cheap, little breakfast sandwiches. There and Biscuit World. But I'll save the introduction to Kentucky's Biscuit World for another day.
*I write this all in jest! I just found the comments from IUI#2 post, mostly dealing with White Castle to be hilarious. Judge away friends, judge away. ♥
We didn't have White Castle growing up in RVA and for that I am glad. I didn't learn of this place until we moved to the midwest. Ahh, Southern Indiana. It became a place to grab food on the way home from the bars. I mean when you're a bit intoxicated how cute are those sliders?! And for whatever reason, the grease just tastes oh so delicious. But honestly, I don't think I've ever eaten in a White Castle sober and my total times there could be counted on one hand. But seriously, in other parts of the world do they not sell White Castle brand sliders in your grocery's freezer section? Because they do here and I guess someone is buying them up. Perhaps it could be a White Castle Thanksgiving for those not wanting to deal with a 20 pound turkey *wink*
However, if you're a construction/land surveyor/out in the field manly man in Kentucky, apparently White Castle is the place to go for cheap, little breakfast sandwiches. There and Biscuit World. But I'll save the introduction to Kentucky's Biscuit World for another day.
*I write this all in jest! I just found the comments from IUI#2 post, mostly dealing with White Castle to be hilarious. Judge away friends, judge away. ♥
The Story of our Second IUI
First, thank you all so much for your comments today! I was overwhelmed by the support and cheers and encouragement and love. THANK YOU! I was worried I had lost yall during my offline time when I turned to the 30 Day Blog Challenge, I'm happy to see yall are still here and were just waiting for the good stuff to come back *wink*. I'll keep posting our story as I wrote it for ourselves as it was happening. Its so nice to be open and out again, but its also nice to be open and out after the fact. Thanks loves!!!
*****
Originally blogged on September 25, 2010
*****
Here is a link to the story of our first IUI on Friday, August 27, 2010.
Less than 30 days later, 28 days to be exact, we were on our journey for IUI#2. We started our day driving up to Cincinnati. We stopped for breakfast at White Castle, RCW was craving some bologna breakfast sandwiches, White Castle off of exit 175 of I71/75 toward Northern Kentucky, White Castle in Walton, KY does not have bologna on their menu. Thus we drove 2 doors over to Burger King. The Croissan'Wich isn't all its cracked up to be, but RCW loved his Ciabatta Club. We loaded up on breakfast and made the final 30 minute drive to our RE.
We went into the lab for RCW to make his 'deposit' and I sat in the waiting room. It was busier this time than last. Two other couples came in and out while I read my July issue of People magazine. As I sat there, I wanted to know their stories. I wanted to ask why they were there, how far along this IF road had they gone? The first couple, spoke to each other in a foreign language, but spoke perfect English to the nurse. The husband looked older and I decided he must be the issue. The next couple came in and looked super young. The girl was wearing sweats and pink polka dot UK tee and the husband was in jeans and a white polo. Both were skinny and looked healthy. I couldn't imagine why they were there. The husband had to fill out paper work and sat next to me. I was nosy and peeked over, he was actually a couple years older than us being born in 1978. I guess they weren't as young as I thought. Maybe its because I'm in this awesome blogging community, but I want to talk about our struggles and our triumphs. I want to know and hear and learn from others. But sitting in that waiting room, there was a feeling of shame over all of us. We didn't work right and we're here seeking measures to grow a family and we do not talk about it. It wasn't just a secret journey for RCW and I, it was everyone's own secret journey.
RCW came out while the 'young' couple was still filling out paper work and we left. We ran some errands in Cincinnati to AutoParts for a new headlight, which RCW fixed in the parking lot and then to HomeGoods, my most favorite store. We bought our first Christmas decoration of the year - a penguin nutcracker holding a sign reading, "All I Want For Christmas". Its a blackboard that came with chalk to write an answer in. This year, our's will read "A Baby".
It was time to head back to the RE and pick up RCW's swimmers. From IUI#1, you may recall RCW had 142 million with 70% motility that was washed down to 116 million with 95% motility. IUI#2 resulted in an original count of 108 million with 75% motility and after the wash we had 98 million with 95% motility. We aren't sure why his numbers would drop so much between IUI#1 and IUI#2...when he had his sperm analysis back in May, they counted around 140 million then so we're wondering if its because there was only a day of abstinence this time and of course I'm wondering if its down from all the beer and cigars he enjoyed while we were at the beach a couple weeks ago!
Once we picked up his boys, we checked in at our RE's main office. After a couple of minutes they called us back to the room we were in for our first IUI. Exam room 3. Before I got undressed we took a picture of RCW with his swimmers.
Then I got into position and we took the usual picture.
Dr. S came in quickly, said RCW's numbers looked great and we got the ball rolling. He reminded us that sometimes it can take 3-4 IUIs but we were both looking good so hopefully it would be lucky number 2. He was in and out, IUIs are so freaking quick! I must say, when he put the catheter in and told me it would be a bit crampy, he was right, it was crampy this time. Nothing near unbearable, but not painfree either. I don't remember that from the first one. Then he told us to lay there for 10 minutes and we were done. While we laid there we took our arsenal of pictures on the bed. RCW was in a goofy, sleep deprived mood so he was all over the place with his photography.
Here we are all done and ready to leave. I can't believe we are on our second IUI. I'm hopeful, as always, but realistic too. I'm putting this in God's hands. If its his will for us to be parents now, it will work. If not, then we'll continue down this road. I know it will work for us eventually! And we are taking precautions, despite going into a very busy time at work, I am relaxing and taking it easy all weekend. No heavy lifting for the next 2 weeks, no exercising or overexertion. Taking it nice and easy and be very aware that I could be making a baby in there!
After leaving the RE's office we made a day out of our trip to Cincinnati. We went to see You Again, HILARIOUS movie and then out to a late lunch at Maggiano's. It was delicious and fabulous and oh so nice to be with RCW for a day that was stress free.
*****
Originally blogged on September 25, 2010
*****
Here is a link to the story of our first IUI on Friday, August 27, 2010.
Less than 30 days later, 28 days to be exact, we were on our journey for IUI#2. We started our day driving up to Cincinnati. We stopped for breakfast at White Castle, RCW was craving some bologna breakfast sandwiches, White Castle off of exit 175 of I71/75 toward Northern Kentucky, White Castle in Walton, KY does not have bologna on their menu. Thus we drove 2 doors over to Burger King. The Croissan'Wich isn't all its cracked up to be, but RCW loved his Ciabatta Club. We loaded up on breakfast and made the final 30 minute drive to our RE.
We went into the lab for RCW to make his 'deposit' and I sat in the waiting room. It was busier this time than last. Two other couples came in and out while I read my July issue of People magazine. As I sat there, I wanted to know their stories. I wanted to ask why they were there, how far along this IF road had they gone? The first couple, spoke to each other in a foreign language, but spoke perfect English to the nurse. The husband looked older and I decided he must be the issue. The next couple came in and looked super young. The girl was wearing sweats and pink polka dot UK tee and the husband was in jeans and a white polo. Both were skinny and looked healthy. I couldn't imagine why they were there. The husband had to fill out paper work and sat next to me. I was nosy and peeked over, he was actually a couple years older than us being born in 1978. I guess they weren't as young as I thought. Maybe its because I'm in this awesome blogging community, but I want to talk about our struggles and our triumphs. I want to know and hear and learn from others. But sitting in that waiting room, there was a feeling of shame over all of us. We didn't work right and we're here seeking measures to grow a family and we do not talk about it. It wasn't just a secret journey for RCW and I, it was everyone's own secret journey.
RCW came out while the 'young' couple was still filling out paper work and we left. We ran some errands in Cincinnati to AutoParts for a new headlight, which RCW fixed in the parking lot and then to HomeGoods, my most favorite store. We bought our first Christmas decoration of the year - a penguin nutcracker holding a sign reading, "All I Want For Christmas". Its a blackboard that came with chalk to write an answer in. This year, our's will read "A Baby".
It was time to head back to the RE and pick up RCW's swimmers. From IUI#1, you may recall RCW had 142 million with 70% motility that was washed down to 116 million with 95% motility. IUI#2 resulted in an original count of 108 million with 75% motility and after the wash we had 98 million with 95% motility. We aren't sure why his numbers would drop so much between IUI#1 and IUI#2...when he had his sperm analysis back in May, they counted around 140 million then so we're wondering if its because there was only a day of abstinence this time and of course I'm wondering if its down from all the beer and cigars he enjoyed while we were at the beach a couple weeks ago!
Once we picked up his boys, we checked in at our RE's main office. After a couple of minutes they called us back to the room we were in for our first IUI. Exam room 3. Before I got undressed we took a picture of RCW with his swimmers.
Then I got into position and we took the usual picture.
Dr. S came in quickly, said RCW's numbers looked great and we got the ball rolling. He reminded us that sometimes it can take 3-4 IUIs but we were both looking good so hopefully it would be lucky number 2. He was in and out, IUIs are so freaking quick! I must say, when he put the catheter in and told me it would be a bit crampy, he was right, it was crampy this time. Nothing near unbearable, but not painfree either. I don't remember that from the first one. Then he told us to lay there for 10 minutes and we were done. While we laid there we took our arsenal of pictures on the bed. RCW was in a goofy, sleep deprived mood so he was all over the place with his photography.
Here we are all done and ready to leave. I can't believe we are on our second IUI. I'm hopeful, as always, but realistic too. I'm putting this in God's hands. If its his will for us to be parents now, it will work. If not, then we'll continue down this road. I know it will work for us eventually! And we are taking precautions, despite going into a very busy time at work, I am relaxing and taking it easy all weekend. No heavy lifting for the next 2 weeks, no exercising or overexertion. Taking it nice and easy and be very aware that I could be making a baby in there!
After leaving the RE's office we made a day out of our trip to Cincinnati. We went to see You Again, HILARIOUS movie and then out to a late lunch at Maggiano's. It was delicious and fabulous and oh so nice to be with RCW for a day that was stress free.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
the reason I'm not a doctor
Originally blogged on September 22, 2010
*****
Ya know, if you look in my senior yearbook you'll see that my full name (before marrying my RCW) was Stephanie Tatum Wade B-------. I started my college career at Virginia Tech and my major was...wait for it...pre-med biology. Yes, for reals. Now, I never had real ambition to be a doctor like on Grey's Anatomy, but went pre-med to get better prepared to go on into psychiatry.
Alas, here I am not doing any of that, but here is major proof for why I'm NOT in the medical field. Its such a sad little video to watch. And yes, that's Dallas' butt curled up asleep. Yes, my shirt reads "elephants kick ass" GO GOP!. And, no, I still haven't found a flattering angle to record myself while in my pjs and sitting on our cushy sofa.
This is all worth it in the end if the end means holding our baby in our arms while wearing pjs, sitting on our cushy sofa with our girls. ♥
*****
Ya know, if you look in my senior yearbook you'll see that my full name (before marrying my RCW) was Stephanie Tatum Wade B-------. I started my college career at Virginia Tech and my major was...wait for it...pre-med biology. Yes, for reals. Now, I never had real ambition to be a doctor like on Grey's Anatomy, but went pre-med to get better prepared to go on into psychiatry.
Alas, here I am not doing any of that, but here is major proof for why I'm NOT in the medical field. Its such a sad little video to watch. And yes, that's Dallas' butt curled up asleep. Yes, my shirt reads "elephants kick ass" GO GOP!. And, no, I still haven't found a flattering angle to record myself while in my pjs and sitting on our cushy sofa.
This is all worth it in the end if the end means holding our baby in our arms while wearing pjs, sitting on our cushy sofa with our girls. ♥
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Restored Faith
Originally blogged on September 22, 2010
*****
This morning I drove the almost 2 hours north to Cincinnati to visit Dr. S for u/s#2 for our IUI#2.
I remember the last time I went for my u/s, I was all over Twitter and my blog. Very public for anyone and everyone. I was a ball of nerves that the Clomid had not worked and we wouldn't be preparing for an IUI. The last time I remember being told I had a good follicle on my right ovary that was about 12 mm and my lining was developing nicely. I remember being so excited to know that we would in fact have an IUI only a few short days later. I remember skipping out of the office and to my car, anxiously dialing RCW to share the news. Then calling my mom, having lunch with a friend and plastering the exciting update all over my social networks.
This time was different.
For starters, I felt confident that I would have good follicles. I never once doubted that we would be doing an IUI this weekend. I didn't pray or bargain or plead with God or myself or anyone; I knew the Clomid had worked. Not sure how I knew, but somewhere in my heart and mind I knew and was not afraid of the news the doctor would share this morning.
Secondly, no one knows about this try except me, RCW, our bosses (for strictly work/time off purposes) and our doctors. No family, no friends, no lovelies in the blogosphere. Its calming, yet difficult to not share news with loved ones of this magnitude, but I just remind myself how hard it would be to have to again share with everyone that it didn't work. Its a fine tightrope to walk.
I got to the office and was quickly taken back to the u/s room. It was there, sitting alone on a cold table with a piece of paper over my lap that I let my mind wander to dark places. The places of negativity. The places that bring me down. The places that whisper, "It won't work", "There won't be any eggs", "You're never going to have a baby". Luckily, Dr. S came on in after only a couple of minutes and his cheerful attitude swept those nasties away. Dr. S is efficient. He has great bedside manners, but he's quick. He's in and out, doing his job and off to sweep away the next girl's nasties.
While he performed the u/s I took mental note of everything he said so I could share with RCW and record on here. He said my lining was looking great at around 10mm. Then he looked at my right ovary and we both saw the blob on the screen...he measured my first follicle at around 12mm, exactly the same as last time. Then he switched sides and went to my left. It was then that without him saying a word, I saw them! Hope and faith filled my slightly shaded heart up to its brim! There were 2 very large blobs on the screen...Dr. S was thrilled and told me so. He said I was responding wonderfully to the Clomid this cycle and he measured the follicles at 17mm and 19mm! I'm not sure what normal may be, but those are huge sounding compared to my 12's. He praised me for my great progress - thank you ovaries for doing what you were created to do!
Then he shared the news...take the trigger shot of Ovidrel TONIGHT and come back up for IUI#2 on Friday morning.
WHAT?! That wasn't the plan. We'd be having the shot on Thursday or Friday - when RCW is home and the IUI on Saturday or Sunday - when I wouldn't have to use more sick time. Oh infertility, you have different plans than I do and I must relinquish control which is oh so hard for me. However, for making a baby with my RCW, I will relinquish everything.
There was also a brief hour or so of panic when Dr. S recommended RCW and I be together tonight, especially since RCW is out of town tonight. We thought we'd be driving crazy hours and routes to make our baby in the back of the Tahoe, but upon speaking to a nurse I was told he suggested that simply to make it more natural feeling and less medical. She assured me that if we couldn't be together, not to make special trips or worry about it. She also told me that she herself had been through an IUI and wasn't with her hubby prior and still got pregnant. Fabulous! As much I would love to see and be with RCW, I did not want to drive an extra oh, 4-8 hours, round trip to do so.
So tonight between 10pm and 10:30pm I will sit at home alone. With my dogs. With a video recorder filming me. I will give myself the Ovidrel shot. I will be brave. I will be strong. We made this decision to keep this cycle a secret and just because RCW is gone when I need him doesn't mean I will share our secret. I can do this! I saw those little follies on the screen today, one of them (or both of them) could be our babes! I will do this for them because after seeing the u/s screen I believe we can and will get pregnant. I know that even if its not this cycle, we will make our baby and become parents. We will grow our family and be mom and dad.
My faith was restored in that moment this morning.
*****
This morning I drove the almost 2 hours north to Cincinnati to visit Dr. S for u/s#2 for our IUI#2.
I remember the last time I went for my u/s, I was all over Twitter and my blog. Very public for anyone and everyone. I was a ball of nerves that the Clomid had not worked and we wouldn't be preparing for an IUI. The last time I remember being told I had a good follicle on my right ovary that was about 12 mm and my lining was developing nicely. I remember being so excited to know that we would in fact have an IUI only a few short days later. I remember skipping out of the office and to my car, anxiously dialing RCW to share the news. Then calling my mom, having lunch with a friend and plastering the exciting update all over my social networks.
This time was different.
For starters, I felt confident that I would have good follicles. I never once doubted that we would be doing an IUI this weekend. I didn't pray or bargain or plead with God or myself or anyone; I knew the Clomid had worked. Not sure how I knew, but somewhere in my heart and mind I knew and was not afraid of the news the doctor would share this morning.
Secondly, no one knows about this try except me, RCW, our bosses (for strictly work/time off purposes) and our doctors. No family, no friends, no lovelies in the blogosphere. Its calming, yet difficult to not share news with loved ones of this magnitude, but I just remind myself how hard it would be to have to again share with everyone that it didn't work. Its a fine tightrope to walk.
I got to the office and was quickly taken back to the u/s room. It was there, sitting alone on a cold table with a piece of paper over my lap that I let my mind wander to dark places. The places of negativity. The places that bring me down. The places that whisper, "It won't work", "There won't be any eggs", "You're never going to have a baby". Luckily, Dr. S came on in after only a couple of minutes and his cheerful attitude swept those nasties away. Dr. S is efficient. He has great bedside manners, but he's quick. He's in and out, doing his job and off to sweep away the next girl's nasties.
While he performed the u/s I took mental note of everything he said so I could share with RCW and record on here. He said my lining was looking great at around 10mm. Then he looked at my right ovary and we both saw the blob on the screen...he measured my first follicle at around 12mm, exactly the same as last time. Then he switched sides and went to my left. It was then that without him saying a word, I saw them! Hope and faith filled my slightly shaded heart up to its brim! There were 2 very large blobs on the screen...Dr. S was thrilled and told me so. He said I was responding wonderfully to the Clomid this cycle and he measured the follicles at 17mm and 19mm! I'm not sure what normal may be, but those are huge sounding compared to my 12's. He praised me for my great progress - thank you ovaries for doing what you were created to do!
Then he shared the news...take the trigger shot of Ovidrel TONIGHT and come back up for IUI#2 on Friday morning.
WHAT?! That wasn't the plan. We'd be having the shot on Thursday or Friday - when RCW is home and the IUI on Saturday or Sunday - when I wouldn't have to use more sick time. Oh infertility, you have different plans than I do and I must relinquish control which is oh so hard for me. However, for making a baby with my RCW, I will relinquish everything.
There was also a brief hour or so of panic when Dr. S recommended RCW and I be together tonight, especially since RCW is out of town tonight. We thought we'd be driving crazy hours and routes to make our baby in the back of the Tahoe, but upon speaking to a nurse I was told he suggested that simply to make it more natural feeling and less medical. She assured me that if we couldn't be together, not to make special trips or worry about it. She also told me that she herself had been through an IUI and wasn't with her hubby prior and still got pregnant. Fabulous! As much I would love to see and be with RCW, I did not want to drive an extra oh, 4-8 hours, round trip to do so.
So tonight between 10pm and 10:30pm I will sit at home alone. With my dogs. With a video recorder filming me. I will give myself the Ovidrel shot. I will be brave. I will be strong. We made this decision to keep this cycle a secret and just because RCW is gone when I need him doesn't mean I will share our secret. I can do this! I saw those little follies on the screen today, one of them (or both of them) could be our babes! I will do this for them because after seeing the u/s screen I believe we can and will get pregnant. I know that even if its not this cycle, we will make our baby and become parents. We will grow our family and be mom and dad.
My faith was restored in that moment this morning.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Starting Over...
The best way for me to share everything is simply to copy and paste from our private blog. So, the next few posts are going to be spent catching everyone up on our journey from the very beginning. RCW and I have gone through 2 more IUI cycles together (3 total) and while sharing everything is hard, not telling anyone anything is much, much worse. But we needed to go through that to know it wasn't for us.
*****
Originally blogged on September 21, 2010
*****
This is a place {our private blog} just for me. Just for me and for RCW.
We are infertile. That's hard to say sometimes and even harder to believe and deal with at other times. Today, September 21, 2010, is our one year wedding anniversary and five year dating anniversary. It also marks one full year, 365 days of trying to get pregnant. We stopped taking birth control pills prior to our wedding. We knew once we were married, we wanted to get pregnant and start our family. Looking back, I must admit I knew we would have problems. I just knew. Something inside me told me. I hadn't been the most careful with birth control when I was younger, my period would occasionally show up late giving me a pregnancy scare - even at times with RCW - but it was never positive. Something in my heart and my mind told me getting pregnant wouldn't be easy.
After a few months of trying on our own, learning my old birth control pills caused my period to cease and tracking my temperature, I discussed our issues with my OBGYN in January 2010. She put me on Provera to induce my period and then started me on Clomid. It didn't work. I didn't get one positive ovulation predictor test strip. We tried again, but saw nothing. We upped my Clomid from 50mg to 100 mg and again, nothing. By this point, we were sent to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. He immediately told us we were too fat to get pregnant. RCW submitted to a sperm analysis - it showed he had too many sperm and due to this fact, some weren't the best swimmers. However, we're happy to have too many rather than not enough! I had an HSG which showed both of my fallopian tubes were open and clear. We found another RE in Cincinnati and on the day of our first visit, June 25, 2010, he diagnosed me with PCOS. He started me on Metformin and in July 2010 after almost 45 days without a period, he gave me Prometrium to induce it. Finally, in August 2010 my period arrived and we started Clomid at 100mg for a 4th round. We did our first ultrasound-trigger shot-IUI cycle commencing on August 27, 2010. We found out in early September 2010, it did not work.
After that first, very public, IUI and then having to announce that we failed, we agreed to go back for IUI#2 secretly. That brings me to this blog. A place for us. A place to document everything we're going through...secretly this time.
It was a heartbreaking experience to have so many friends and family members praying, emailing, calling and sending well wishes for a successful IUI, then have them all asking about it once our two week wait was complete. Writing an email, because who could bare a phone call?, to tell your loved ones that the IUI did not work, that we are not pregnant made me realize I didn't want this journey to be public anymore. I couldn't go through cycle after cycle of reporting good news (we're set for an IUI) followed by potential bad news (it did not work).
So here we are. Our secret journey. Just for me, RCW and no one else to read...until the blessed day that we get the news that will change our lives...we are pregnant. {Or until we realize that keeping this struggle a secret wasn't worth it on our stress levels...}
*****
Originally blogged on September 21, 2010
*****
This is a place {our private blog} just for me. Just for me and for RCW.
We are infertile. That's hard to say sometimes and even harder to believe and deal with at other times. Today, September 21, 2010, is our one year wedding anniversary and five year dating anniversary. It also marks one full year, 365 days of trying to get pregnant. We stopped taking birth control pills prior to our wedding. We knew once we were married, we wanted to get pregnant and start our family. Looking back, I must admit I knew we would have problems. I just knew. Something inside me told me. I hadn't been the most careful with birth control when I was younger, my period would occasionally show up late giving me a pregnancy scare - even at times with RCW - but it was never positive. Something in my heart and my mind told me getting pregnant wouldn't be easy.
After a few months of trying on our own, learning my old birth control pills caused my period to cease and tracking my temperature, I discussed our issues with my OBGYN in January 2010. She put me on Provera to induce my period and then started me on Clomid. It didn't work. I didn't get one positive ovulation predictor test strip. We tried again, but saw nothing. We upped my Clomid from 50mg to 100 mg and again, nothing. By this point, we were sent to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. He immediately told us we were too fat to get pregnant. RCW submitted to a sperm analysis - it showed he had too many sperm and due to this fact, some weren't the best swimmers. However, we're happy to have too many rather than not enough! I had an HSG which showed both of my fallopian tubes were open and clear. We found another RE in Cincinnati and on the day of our first visit, June 25, 2010, he diagnosed me with PCOS. He started me on Metformin and in July 2010 after almost 45 days without a period, he gave me Prometrium to induce it. Finally, in August 2010 my period arrived and we started Clomid at 100mg for a 4th round. We did our first ultrasound-trigger shot-IUI cycle commencing on August 27, 2010. We found out in early September 2010, it did not work.
After that first, very public, IUI and then having to announce that we failed, we agreed to go back for IUI#2 secretly. That brings me to this blog. A place for us. A place to document everything we're going through...secretly this time.
It was a heartbreaking experience to have so many friends and family members praying, emailing, calling and sending well wishes for a successful IUI, then have them all asking about it once our two week wait was complete. Writing an email, because who could bare a phone call?, to tell your loved ones that the IUI did not work, that we are not pregnant made me realize I didn't want this journey to be public anymore. I couldn't go through cycle after cycle of reporting good news (we're set for an IUI) followed by potential bad news (it did not work).
So here we are. Our secret journey. Just for me, RCW and no one else to read...until the blessed day that we get the news that will change our lives...we are pregnant. {Or until we realize that keeping this struggle a secret wasn't worth it on our stress levels...}
Friday, November 12, 2010
Blog Challenge Day 30
Day 30-a picture
The blog challenge is over. I made it. Woo hoo! To end and to get ready for the next direction of this blog, I chose this picture. Yup, its in a RE's office. And it was from IUI#3. Yup, we went offline for a while. But no fear, I documented everything in a private blog that was just for me and RCW at first, but now its time to share with all my friends. So...be on the lookout for the Story of IUI#2, followed by the Story of IUI#3.
Happy Weekend!
The blog challenge is over. I made it. Woo hoo! To end and to get ready for the next direction of this blog, I chose this picture. Yup, its in a RE's office. And it was from IUI#3. Yup, we went offline for a while. But no fear, I documented everything in a private blog that was just for me and RCW at first, but now its time to share with all my friends. So...be on the lookout for the Story of IUI#2, followed by the Story of IUI#3.Happy Weekend!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Blog Challenge Day 29
Day 29-3 Wishes
I can't believe I've almost made it through the entire Blog Challenge! I hope that yall have enjoyed learning a bit more about me and my life. And I must admit, it was nice to have 30 days where I didn't have to think up a blog post, I just had to write about my given assignment! But after tomorrow, we'll be back to the usual schedule of a couple to a few posts a week and it will more than likely revolve about baby making again. Yay for some, nay for others. Sorry. That topic seems to be the center of our lives right now. Anyway....today's topic, 3 wishes.
1. To see a BFP...a couple times at least over the next few years.
2. For RCW to make about $20-$30K more a year so we could afford to live modestly and comfortably off his salary alone and I could either go back to school full time while waiting to have Wish 1 come true and then be a full time SAHM once Wish 1 is reality.
3. This is hard. Should I wish for world peace? That would be the standard beauty pageant answer, right? Wish 3...probably to somehow be able to get back and forth to RVA quicker than car and cheaper than flight. We love Louisville and I can't imagine leaving here, but I do wish we were closer to RVA and our family at times. There just doesn't seem to be a good middle of the road city - I am NOT living in Charleston, West Virginia (middle between RVA and the Ville), so yea, can my genie make me a transporter or something like I saw growing up on The Jetsons or Star Trek or even a portkey like in Harry Potter?
What would you wish for?
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
lets talk about art for a moment...
A few months ago Facebook allowed me to reconnect with a friend from way back in elementary school. Due to seeing everything she has going on in her life now, some 20 years later, I was able to get a glimpse into her amazing and creative world. I stood in awe. She is awesome and either when I grow up or when I come back in my next life, I would like to be her. For reals. She is an artist. And a great one at that. If I had unlimited funds I would buy her entire Carousel series because it makes my heart happy seeing it and I would hang it in my office or in any future baby girl's nursery to allow my heart to be happy each and every day. Luckily, she's working on creating prints which will one day adorn a room of my house. *swoon*
Below is her series which just finished its tour of a RVA Starbucks. I wish I lived closer so I could have seen them in person, but these amazing pictures captured by Rebecca Hankins are a super close and satisfactory second to seeing them in real life. Feast your eyes on these thread and ink beauties...
So this amazing artist old friend of mine, doesn't just create gorgeous works for the home, she's heavily involved in theatre up and down the east coast. Here is a set she painted. By hand. Yes, again, I stand in awe of her talent.
And when she isn't painting sets, she crafting the actors for the play. What? What's that you say? No, she's not making people, but yes, kind of she is. She's creating and bringing to life puppets. Here are some of my favorites of her creations because I'm an animal person.
This is her seeing eye dog puppet, isn't he cute and lovable?
And this little guy is her canvas squirrel. Yes, she made him out of canvas. I love him and wish he lived on my back porch. With a few acorns of course!
And I'll leave you with a final piece of home art. This is titled Jack in the Box. It is already owned, but I think its magnificent!
So, why am I posting about her on here? Well, I don't know how many of my readers are interested in the arts but you should totally check out her blog and her art website. Her blog is: Riding Bareback Beside a Train and her art site is her namesake, Abernathy. Yes her name is Abernathy, how awesomely cool right? Although I grew up calling her Abby, I remember thinking as a 3rd grader how I loved her non-standard Stephanie-Jennifer-Sarah name! Anyway, Abby is about to embark on the journey of full time 24/7 artist, so if you're interested in her work or know someone who may be please pass her sites along to them. And if you don't, you should still check out her blog because she's not just a talented artist, but she's a great wordsmith as well. When I'm done with my IF struggles of the day, I always hope she's updated because I'm able to be taken far away from my everyday life and plopped into her amazing and creative world.
*This post isn't being sponsored. I'm not receiving anything, except hoping that maybe someone, somewhere will see this or pass this along. I think she's phenomenal and wanted to give her all the support and recognition I could with my one little post contribution.
Below is her series which just finished its tour of a RVA Starbucks. I wish I lived closer so I could have seen them in person, but these amazing pictures captured by Rebecca Hankins are a super close and satisfactory second to seeing them in real life. Feast your eyes on these thread and ink beauties...
So this amazing artist old friend of mine, doesn't just create gorgeous works for the home, she's heavily involved in theatre up and down the east coast. Here is a set she painted. By hand. Yes, again, I stand in awe of her talent.
And when she isn't painting sets, she crafting the actors for the play. What? What's that you say? No, she's not making people, but yes, kind of she is. She's creating and bringing to life puppets. Here are some of my favorites of her creations because I'm an animal person.This is her seeing eye dog puppet, isn't he cute and lovable?
And this little guy is her canvas squirrel. Yes, she made him out of canvas. I love him and wish he lived on my back porch. With a few acorns of course!
And I'll leave you with a final piece of home art. This is titled Jack in the Box. It is already owned, but I think its magnificent!
So, why am I posting about her on here? Well, I don't know how many of my readers are interested in the arts but you should totally check out her blog and her art website. Her blog is: Riding Bareback Beside a Train and her art site is her namesake, Abernathy. Yes her name is Abernathy, how awesomely cool right? Although I grew up calling her Abby, I remember thinking as a 3rd grader how I loved her non-standard Stephanie-Jennifer-Sarah name! Anyway, Abby is about to embark on the journey of full time 24/7 artist, so if you're interested in her work or know someone who may be please pass her sites along to them. And if you don't, you should still check out her blog because she's not just a talented artist, but she's a great wordsmith as well. When I'm done with my IF struggles of the day, I always hope she's updated because I'm able to be taken far away from my everyday life and plopped into her amazing and creative world.*This post isn't being sponsored. I'm not receiving anything, except hoping that maybe someone, somewhere will see this or pass this along. I think she's phenomenal and wanted to give her all the support and recognition I could with my one little post contribution.
Blog Challenge Day 28
Day 28-Something that stresses you out
Just one thing that stresses me out!? Um, yea, a lot of things stress me out. I have a super hard time relaxing, I'm the girl when getting a massage or nails done am told repeatedly by the lady to relax and loosen up. Its a bit out of control. But, the big things don't stress me out, its the little things.
Lets take the baby example. I know we'll be parents and I'm ok with not knowing when it'll happen, obviously I hope its sooner rather than later, but I know eventually with either our own biological child or with our own adopted child, we'll be parents. The cost of all the IF treatments doesn't even really stress me out, perhaps thats because we haven't reached IVF level yet. But the small pieces of this puzzle stress me out...what exact time should the trigger shot be? The RE said between 6pm and 10pm, that is a wide window, I want to know exactly when to do it! I over analyze every little anything during the 2ww...cramps, is that spotting or discharge, are my boobs tender? e.v.e.r.y.l.i.t.t.l.e.t.h.i.n.g. And I wonder about my activities...I shouldn't drink any caffeine, but also read any fizzy soda could be harmful, I shouldn't exercise because I would exert too much, I can't pick up that heavy bag because what if its too heavy, I shouldn't leave the house. Honestly, I think if I didn't have a job, I would self prescribe myself to bed rest for the entire 2ww to ensure I didn't do anything to harm a potential pregnancy.
Another example. I don't like making decisions for groups of people. When friends go out to lunch and I'm somehow picked to make the choice because I'm the pickiest, I hate that. I can find something to eat anywhere, well almost anywhere, I'm probably not going to want to go Indian or Thai, but they wouldn't choose that with me anyway. I fret about picking somewhere that they like and will enjoy. Or this weekend, we're trying to decide if we're going to go back to RVA for nephew's first birthday party. RCW is putting the entire decision on me, which I hate. There are pros and cons for going...Pro: I want to be at his first birthday party; I don't want to regret not being there like I regret not being at his birth last year; I want to see our other family and friends who won't be in town at Thanksgiving & Con: If we go this weekend, RCW is anti going back for Thanksgiving; its a 16 hour round trip; if we go now we won't have as much quality one on one time with nephew as we would if we went at Thanksgiving. Sigh. This decision is my biggest stressor right now and has been for about a week and a half now.
And finally, a stressor for most people is money. And while we're certainly not made of money, I just feel like we'll be taken care of. Perhaps this is because my parents have always been a net to catch me when I needed them, but despite having a few thousand dollars in credit card bills and all the money we've spent and are paying off for IF, I know we'll eventually get it paid off. We aren't that far under for it to be a real concern. I feel like money isn't everything, and we live life how we want, especially right now while being baby free. I'd rather be happy than sitting at home with a larger savings account. Although, I must say RCW wishes I was a bit more concerned about money and frugal in my ways. *wink*
What stresses you out the most? And does anyone know any good relaxation techniques or how to become a better decision maker?
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Blog Challenge Day 27
Day 27-Pets
We have 2 amazing furbabies, Dallas and Loucie. I may be more attached than normal...here are our girls with us on our wedding day...
And here they are not looking quite so prim and proper. I get comments from friends and family all the time about how well they pose for the camera, honestly, its a mix of patience, cheese, squeaky toys and about 100 photos of the same image. Poor RCW hates when I declare its time for a photoshoot!
Lets start with Dallas because she is our first born and sometimes I think she's still waiting for her little sister to go back to wherever she came from! Dallas' birthday is February 23, 2006, and yes it is an annual celebration at our house. She was born in Kentucky, before we ever moved here. Despite my parents plea to not get a dog, a week after being in Southern Indiana we searched the newspaper for Husky pups. RCW and I decided long ago we'd be getting a dog, a Husky and it would be female and we'd name her Dallas for our beloved Cowboys (who are having a rough season). We found pups, called on Sunday and picked her up a few days later. She was our love and quickly took to cuddling the bed and being spoiled rotten by us and her grandparents (my mom and dad). Dallas had a rough start in life, she inherited mites from her mom and despite the vet bills being incredibly high and unexpected, I'm just glad we got her so she was well taken care of. She lost most of her hair and had to go for monthly treatments, but now she has a beautiful coat and couldn't be healthier! She's almost 5, which is crazy to RCW and I, but she still acts like she's a puppy. I don't think she'll ever lose her energy!
Two years after getting Dallas, we started talking about getting a second. Another Husky, another girl. This time we started looked at rescue sites and found Indy Homes for Huskies. We'd watch the boards, but never really got the feeling of 'the one'. RCW was tricky and went behind my back to fill out all the paperwork and get all the references to adopt from IHH! On a Saturday morning, he told me all 3 of us were going on a roadtrip. I made him tell me what was up and he said we were adopting a new family member that day! He'd been through the process of paperwork, calls and home visits and we were getting a new dog. I jumped on the website and while we thought we had one picked out, little Loucie (then Gidget) was a new addition to the adoption boards. I fell in love online, but on the trip to Indy, we stuck with the plan to adopt the other Husky. Once we arrived and learned more about the other Husky, she just didn't seem like a good fit. She was bigger than Dallas and mischievous (taking plates our of the kitchen sink to clean!). I asked if we could see the new dog, Gidget. She was so tiny! So cute! Resembled Dallas! And I was sold! They explained they didn't know much about her, but she was blind in one eye, had a cataract in the other and may need to have her right (blind) eye removed. I didn't care, I wanted her. We got her that day and took her home with us. They *thought* she was born in June 2007 so we declared her birthday, June 23, 2007 and she's been a great addition to our family - although, at times, I think Dallas wants to send her back!
Those are our girls. I love them more than almost anything else. Again, I have an unnatural attachment! They're like our kids and even when we have bambinos, the girls will be our first babies.If you're a pet lover - dog, cat, bird, rabbit, whatever - go check out KJPugs site for a fun Holiday Gift Exchange. Introducing the Kitty and Canine Holiday Blogger Gift Exchange.
You can visit KJ's site here to learn more details and just throw caution to the wind and sign up here to participate! Come on, who doesn't love buying goodies for other adorable pets and then receiving some back! Join the fun!!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Blog Challenge Day 25
Day 25-Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs
I feel like I should put a disclaimer out...I don't use my iPod very often. RCW bought me an iPod for my birthday in 2006 and honestly he bought it so I would have something to listen to on our 8 hour drive back to RVA for Christmas (my birthday is 12/20). Its hot pink and I loved it, but now, I don't really use it. There are only 253 songs on it. Oh and I have a completely varied taste in music. With this disclaimer, here are the Top 10 songs from my iPod being on shuffle:
1. Think About His Love - WOW Worship 2001
2. Great is The Lord - WOW Worship 2001
3. Dance in the Dark - Lady Gaga
4. My Wish - Rascal Flatts
5. Tell Her About It - Billy Joel
6. Strangers in the Night - Frank Sinatra
7. Atmosphere - TobyMac
8. Its Still Rock and Roll to Me - Billy Joel
9. Love for Me - Ashlee Simpson
10. Scenes from an Italian Restaurant - Billy Joel
Yea, I told you varied taste. But from my previous post, I told you I love Billy Joel and obviously so did my shuffle this morning! I was super excited when #10 popped up because its my favorite fave Billy song which I know all the words to and sing at the top of my lungs. Also, I'm not ashamed of my love for Ashlee Simpson! Don't judge me too harshly.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Blog Challenge Day 24
Day 24-Something you've learned
I've learned...
- the grass isn't always greener on the other side,
- good things come to those who wait,
- patience is NOT one my virtues,
- you can't change anyone, but you can grow with someone,
- no matter what you think, you are blessed, someone, somewhere always has something worse going on in life than you do,
- hard wood floors and Siberian Huskies do not go well together (imagine furball tumbleweeds that require vacuuming daily, but happens 2-3 times per week),
- parents always have your best intentions at heart,
- nothing can cure a bad day like a kiss and cuddle from your pup,
- its the small things in life that matter the most,
- no one really cares what you look like at the gym, grocery store, gas station, post office or even Target,
- having the love, support and commitment of a spouse is one of God's greatest gifts to us,
- and, God is good, He loves us no matter what we've done in the past or what we may do in the future, He will hold us and comfort us to the best of His ability so long as we ask Him to be there for us.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Blog Challenge Day 23
Day 23-Favorite vacation
This post is a bit late because I had to wait to get home to access all the pictures I wanted on our hard drive. Sorry for the wait, but I added a special video at the end as a thank you for your patience and a way to document RCW and I's relationship from the early days!
My favorite vacation was to Philly, in February. Yes, I adored our European honeymoon and I really enjoyed my Jamaican vacation to Negril Sandals for my brothers wedding and who doesn't love a good beach trip like our recent visit to OBX, but my most favorite trip was to Philadelphia with RCW in February 2006. Neither of us had ever been to Philly. The timing was perfect as we were both between jobs since we were getting ready to leave RVA in March for Southern Indiana's promise of new opportunity. RCW and I had only been officially dating for about 4 and a half months when we headed to Philly. However, because of my previous job we'd already been on a handful of weekend away trips together so we knew we'd get along. The purpose of Philly was to see my celebrity love, Billy Joel, on Valentine's Day. Oh Billy, how I love you. I don't care that you drink, you can serenade and play the piano for me any day, drunk or sober. Because I was still living at home and still had a super carefree life (and budget), I brought very overpriced tickets from StubHub so we had awesome floor seats. I booked us into a decent hotel from February 11, 2006 through February 15, 2006. We drove from Richmond to Philly in cold sunny winter weather. When we woke up the next morning, the ground was covered in snow! I have to say, it was awesome.
We got up and ventured out in my 2002 Xterra with 4 wheel drive to see the city. RCW noticed something was off with my truck and we pulled into a Kmart parking lot. The car would not start. Yes, seriously. We thought it was the battery, tried buying a new one at Kmart and yea, it wasn't the battery. Believe me when I say, this was no longer fun. We had to leave my truck and WALK in the snow up to my knees back to our hotel. Thankfully, we weren't that far away so it wasn't as though we had to walk miles and miles. We arranged for the Xterra to be towed to the nearest Nissan dealership...in freaking New Jersey! (Yet again, thank god for living with mom and dad and they were beyond helpful with this sudden expense, I know how blessed we were to have parents who had the funds to help us!) The rest of the trip was done mainly by taxi drop-offs and thankfully our hotel was right by the concert arena so we walked over with the majority of other hotel occupants that evening.But before the concert we explored the city by foot. We took a taxi into the city and it dropped us off. We spent many hours exploring and it was beyond awesome - one of my favorite memories. It was freezing cold with snow on the ground and we stopped at Starbucks for warm drinks every so often, which probably helped keep our energy up, but it was awesome.
The day before our Valentine's Day concert we got the Xterra back, something was busted with the gas line, and while in Jersey we visited Adventure Aquarium in Camden. I could have starred at 'Jumping Jenny' the Hippo all day!
On Valentine's Day, February 14, 2006, we saw Billy Joel. In our matching outfits no less. RCW was a good man and obviously must have loved me very much from the very beginning!
And for being so late with this post, here is your promised video. Its super short because it was taken with my old digital camera and I was worried about losing memory card space. But while venturing out and about, on the lawn of the Philadelphia Art Museum, I decided to make a snow angel. Because, why not?! And yes, watching it tonight prior to posting, I realized RCW sounds like my dad, but thats ok with me! He's my partner. My rock. He watches out for me and takes care of me, even if its reminding me to move my legs when making a snow angel.This trip brings back so many good memories of our early relationship. Before we were living together. Back when we were still getting to know each other and really falling in love. RCW made plans to drive back to RVA later on February 15 so he could go get a Philly Cheese Steak and we could visit the Philly Zoo. He got me even then!
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