waiting, trusting and hoping

I posted on IG last night (if you don't follow me there, you should.  I post there more frequently and with more personal life stuff than here or Fb lately - StephBWill).

These devotionals have been so perfect and helped me over the past few weeks.  That little face making a cameo has too (along with his brother and their daddy!) ❤️ I'm going off the grid for a couple days as we process and heal.  We found out our October babe didn't make it this morning.  He/she tried and grew over the past 2 weeks, but there was no longer a heartbeat.  Thanks for all of yall's prayers and support!  We know God has a plan for us and are waiting, trusting and hoping in Him.

*****

Just wanted to share with everyone who only knows me through the blogosphere. A mere few hours later and RCW and I doing well.  We originally intended to have a D&C on Tuesday to attempt to find out answers.  But after the drive home from Cincinnati to Louisville, we changed our minds, especially after RCW spoke with a nurse about it.  A D&C is surgery.  Surgery that would have to be done in Cincinnati.  Surgery that we don't know how much insurance would cover, if any.  Surgery we don't have anyone to watch our boys so we'd be dragging them along for a day at the hospital.  And surgery with the sole purpose to try and find answers for our fertility treatments.  But those answers are not guaranteed.  There is no way to know if anything would come from the baby's tissue in the testing.  It may tell us if it was a boy or a girl.  It may tell us if he/she had something genetically wrong which caused it's little heart to stop beating.  But to be perfectly honest, I don't know if I want those answers or not.  This babe was made the old fashioned way and well, RCW and I know we don't make babies on our own very well.  We do much better utilizing medical intervention!  My heart knows this baby didn't make it because it wasn't healthy and I don't think I need to know if it was a boy or a girl.  Especially when that involves surgery in a different city and dragging the boys with me and asking RCW to take a day off work.  The D&C results wouldn't change any of our fertility treatment plans going forward - this pregnancy was natural so anything gleamed from the D&C would just be about the babe in general, not telling us if perhaps we should stop doing IUIs and go to IVF (which we won't).  So, we decided to not have a D&C.  I'm bleeding today.  I think I'll miscarry naturally today or tomorrow anyway.  I had started spotting on Tuesday and once I saw that I felt like I knew it was the end.  If I don't miscarry by Saturday night after our 5pm church service, I'll take some medicine late Saturday night before bed that will induce the miscarriage within 8-12 hours.  Next week, I'll go back to the RE for a final scan and start blood betas to watch my levels drop back down to zero.  Then we'll wait 8-10 weeks for my body and our hearts to heal.

Now, past the medical stuff and onto the emotional.

I'm at peace about this baby.  Despite feeling good about it and thinking we'd be bringing a baby home in late October just in time for the holiday season and trying to pick out a boy name with RCW, I'm at peace.  I truly believe the baby wasn't healthy and it just wasn't meant to be. 

The part I'm struggling with is the why and what's next.  Why back to back miscarriages?  Why are we losing baby after baby? Why see the heartbeat only to lose it 2 weeks later?  These are questions I'll never know the answers to and questions that could drive me crazy. Despite having these questions, it hasn't been lost on me that we may have never even known about this little life though.

I'll be perfectly honest and say that with the November miscarriage I wondered if God was trying to tell us to be done with our family.  To know how blessed we are with the boys and know our family is complete.  But both RCW and I want more children.  Ideally, we'd like 4.  That has never wavered for us.  Picking out a time to try, looking at finances - those are considerations we take into planning our family, but if money wasn't an issue, we'd have 4 babies, no questions asked.  When this pregnancy happened, I began to wonder the same question again - is God trying to tell us to be done?  

RCW never felt that way.  He doesn't believe God would tell us our family was complete by continuing to hurt us and have us lose babies.

With this loss, I don't find myself asking that question.  I know we want more and we have $700 worth of fertility drugs in our fridge that we will be using later in 2014 to try an IUI cycle again to have more.

With this loss, I find myself pulled and comforted by the fact that God helped us to know this life existed.  If RCW hadn't casually mentioned in early January that maybe we should try for a baby sooner than later, we more than likely would have never known.  I took a pregnancy test on January 30 - it was negative.  I was bleeding enough in early February to believe it was my cycle.  Had we not decided to try for Baby W3, I wouldn't have gone to our RE.  I would have had a light cycle for a few days and gone about life as usual.  My symptoms weren't strong enough to make me think anything out of the ordinary - RCW traveled for 2 weeks for work and I was a single mom - exhaustion was my new normal those weeks!  Our schedule was off, my sleep habits were off, our eating habits were off - the slight nausea and carb craving would have seemed normal too given our situation.  I'm bleeding now again and I would've thought it was my wonky cycle coming back 4-5 weeks after it's last random appearance.  If we had not decided to try now, I'm fairly confident we would've missed this.  Missed knowing we created a life with a teeny tiny heartbeat naturally.  Missing the excitement, the emotions, the thrill of preparing to welcome a baby into the world again.  Missed those feelings of bliss at the thought of having a squishy newborn and thrill of wondering boy or girl.  We would've missed it all.  But we didn't.  While the roller coaster isn't all big exciting downhill thrills, those thrills make the long slow uphill trudge worth it.  I'm learning to find comfort in the fact that this small part of our story wasn't meant to be Baby W3 coming home in October, but a piece to give us hope and inspire us to continue trying to build the family we want.  And well, if that doesn't happen down here on Earth, we will have our large family when we reach heaven one day!

We will more than likely try in May or June with an IUI injectable cycle.  It isn't lost on me that that was our original gameplan last fall anyway to try to have a baby in February or March 2015 around C's3rd birthday and E's 2nd.  And here we are, plopped right into that timing. 

I still have moments of doubt, moments of confusion and feeling lost.  Moments where I'm not sure what to pray for or why this happened the way it did or what we should be doing next, but overall the timing of everything, the pure way the roller coaster played out this time, none of that is lost on me and I'm choosing to have that be my takeaway from this instead of the fleeting moments of doubt.

Thank you for all of your prayers - your comments, Fb messages, emails.  Thank you!  I know you are a community who understands all too well.  I appreciate your support more than words can express. I'm going to end this with a Bible verse I'm obviously meant to see and soak in.  A friend emailed it to me and another posted it on Fb all within 20 minutes of each other - Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

PSA: If you little has eczema, read this!

Hey all, remember me!?  The one only posting monthly updates and writing super somber letters about losing our June baby.  Yup.  That's me in a nutshell these days.

But today, I wanted to post about something I wish I had known about as a momma to a little guy with eczema.  As my title implies, consider it a PSA of sorts.  Read and research for yourself, consult your ped, but just be aware.  Something I wish I had been.  Or maybe you guys all know about this and I was just the uneducated momma!

My parents visited from VA over Thanksgiving.  Once my mom arrived Wednesday afternoon she essentially took over care of C and E.  She thrives on helping and loving on them and loving on me by taking over. She diapers, baths, dressing, feds, cleaning up; it was all done by my mom from Wednesday afternoon until she left Monday morning.  And through all of that obviously lots of hugs, kisses, cuddling and loving was going on too.  Throughout it all my mom kept mentioning that C's eczema was really flaring up and she was putting his Rx cream on it to help, but it was really bad.  A couple days in the middle of all that C even ran a low grade fever.  He was waking up at night and overall just wasn't feeling great.  But he'd been out and about to the Kentucky Science Center, a Christmas parade, a big Christmas event at a downtown hotel and out to eat at a couple different restaurants.  We figured he'd gotten a cold.  He had a runny nose. Tis the season.  Even on Sunday afternoon while RCW and I enjoyed lunch out together and kid free after church, a topic of conversation was C's eczema.  What could be causing the flare up?  Had he eaten anything new?  Was it the new dryer sheets?  What could it be?

Sunday night we came home for dinner and C was losing it.  He wouldn't let my mom touch him, she said he'd been hiding from her behind the laundry room door and just screaming.  He let me pick him up and comfort him and as I was sitting him down in his chair for dinner I saw his hands.  Red spots.  OMG.  I flipped over his hand.  Red spots on his palms.  OMG - Hand, foot and mouth - again!  The hand spots combined with the fact that he refused food at dinner Sunday night, I just knew it was HFM.  I had seen his feet and ankles and thought it didn't look like just eczema.  I should've known.  Momma fail.

We got through the night, with me feeling horrible for not realizing it sooner and just going with the reasoning of his eczema was flaring up.  Momma guilt to the max for me.  I had failed at my job. 

Monday morning I called our pediatrician and told them I thought my 21 month old had HFM.  Their earliest sick appointment was 11:30am. 

I snapped this picture of C sitting on the doctor's table Monday morning.  You can see the rash/spots/whatever all over his feet, ankles, inner thighs and behind his knees.  He also had it on his hands, elbows, on his cheeks and lips a bit and some spots on his back and belly.  His legs and elbows were the absolute worst!

*

Our ped came in and I explained what had been going on.  He looked at C.  Checked out his ears and mouth and throat.  And then he asked if RCW or I had had any cold sores lately?  I said no, but my mom did over her Thanksgiving visit.  My mom gets really bad cold sores 3-4 times a year and she had a really bad one on her upper lip during her visit.  We hadn't thought anything about it.  Our ped explained that C had something called Eczema Herpeticum.  Here's a link with more info on it: http://www.what-is-eczema.com/eczema-herpeticum.html.  Apparently, when kids with eczema are exposed to the cold sore virus the two issues can combine and cause eczema herpeticum.  If you read the link, you can see it can be really dangerous.  Our ped mentioned that and said how glad he was I had brought C in to be checked out and how lucky we were because normally kids with this run fevers of 103-104.  C never got above 100.  C is on a pretty strong antibiotic 3 times a day for 7 days.  We're trying to keep him from scratching the now scabby spots.  C had inflamed gums in the front of his mouth and blisters on his tongue, which is why he refused to eat Sunday night and continued to only eat bland and softer foods early in the week.

Here is a picture of C from this morning - 5 days into treatment.  You can see the difference and that his spots are clearing up.  He's eating everything again and for the most part acting crazy like a 21 month old should!

*

So there is my PSA.  We didn't have a clue this existed.  We didn't know with C's eczema we should keep him away from friends or family with cold sores.  This could happen again if he's around someone and gets the cold sore virus.  I wish we'd known about this because maybe we could have treated him before Monday and he wouldn't have gotten so many blisters and spots all over him.  Poor guy!

And just because I'll finish up the story.  Our ped checked out E while we were there too because he had been running a fever hovering around 100.  E doesn't have eczema so he didn't have this, but maybe it was the start of something else.  And yup, poor E has strep throat.  Its been a quiet quarantined week for us!  I don't want to go out until its warm again.  Thank goodness Grandma felt so bad and sent balloons to the boys to say sorry and we've had them to keep us all entertained!

*Yes, apparently C is always eating and sporting wet Pull Ups!

The Story of Our June Baby

Disclaimer: Writing is cathartic for me.  Writing is a way for me to share my feelings, my emotions and to remember tiny details that matter to no one but me.  I've always been brutally honest on my blog.  Please keep that in mind if you choose to read this.  There are some semi-graphic details. But if you've been a reader, you know I shared images of C and E being pulled from my belly during a c-section.  Nothing I've written is that graphic in a medical sense, but perhaps graphic in an emotional sense.  I have posts that I wrote along the way with this pregnancy. Posts that I thought I would share when we publicly announced we were expecting Baby W3.  But those posts don't seem right to post anymore.  Those posts, like with previous stories from C and E, were meant for Baby W3 to read to know her story.  Instead, I've written a letter of sorts to Baby W3.  To me.  To you.  To whomever reads this.  It shares the highs and the lows from the very beginning to the very end.  It's long, because if you've read my blog you already know brevity isn't my strong suit!

*****

Dear Baby W3,

Where to even begin?  I honestly don't know.  Since I was pregnant with E, I was talking about you.  Once we had E, I was waiting for my first post partum cycle.  I was hoping and praying I had been magically healed and we'd get pregnant on our own.  I was taking ovulation tests over the summer.  I was talking to RCW (your daddy) about when we should visit our fertility doctors.  We were trying.  We were trying to make you.  Unfortunately, despite 2 successful pregnancies and 2 healthy babies, I was not cured.  We weren't going to be one of those couples this time.  We were going to need medical help again.  We wanted you.  So badly.

In mid to late August we waited.  We waited and we waited for my next cycle to start.  The cycle that was going to be YOUR cycle.  The cycle that we would call the doctors to get the ball rolling.  We waited.  28 days passed.  30 days passed.  35 days passed. I even peed on a stick to see if we'd gotten lucky on our own.  Nope.  We started talking about calling the doctor to take medicine to start my cycle.  We waivered.  We thought maybe NOT getting my cycle was a sign.  Maybe we weren't suppose to try for you.  We started to have doubts.  Were we being selfish to try for another baby when we already had C and E?  Could we handle 3 under 3?  We went back and forth with pros and cons for a good week.  I prayed to God.  I prayed for an answer, for a sign.  We didn't know what to do.

Then on September 3, RCW's birthday, my cycle came.  On its own.  This was it.  I truly believed it was the sign I had been praying for.  I mean on RCW's birthday after a good 40+ days?!  I excitedly called RCW at work and told him and asked, "Do I call our RE?"  He said, "Yes!".  The next day I was en route to Cincinnati with C and E in tow for a baseline ultrasound.  Let me tell you, walking into a fertility clinic with 2 under 2 is probably one of the most awkward First World problems there is!  I didn't get to see our beloved Dr. S, but his partner, Dr. B.  I took this as a bad sign from the get go.  We ALWAYS saw Dr. S.  Dr. S got us C and E.  Dr. B. said things looked good to proceed and started me on the meds, Gonal - F injections and oral Femara.

For my next appointment, I did see Dr. S.  And I left C and E at home for the morning with RCW.  He took a morning off of work to stay home with them.  C was not a fan of the lights being turned off and his momma having an ultrasound.  Bubbles Guppies on the iPad couldn't even drown out his cries.  So they stayed home.  Dr. S confirmed that I was not responding to the meds as well this cycle.  He increased my doses.  He pushed dates back for insemination.  I had to order more Gonal-F.  I felt like a failure that my body was just not working, not even with crazy amounts of hormones.

We all got in the car bright and early around 6:30am on Wednesday, September 18 and drove to Cincinnati.  While I fed breakfast to C and E, did diaper changers and switched them from pjs into play clothes, RCW did his part.  Afterwards, we took C and E to a playground to get some energy out.  C fell, bumped his forehead and got a massive goose egg on his head. It was so bad we Googled concussions, put an ice pack from E's bottle cooler on it and discussed taking him to an ER in Cincinnati.  Could anything go right?!  Ultimately, we didn't take him to a doctor, we all went into the fertility clinic for my 10:30am IUI.  And it wasn't with Dr. S.  But with Dr. B.

I started the dreaded two week wait.  I looked for implantation bleeding.  I overanalyzed every little thing.  Did I feel sick?  Was I tired?  Did my boobs hurt?  Was I warmer than usual?  Was my nose running?  Every little thing.  The weekend before the 2 weeks was up, I almost tested a handful of times, but ultimately held out.  I told myself I would test at 12 days past IUI, when I had tested positive with C, even though I had tested positive with E at 11 days past IUI.  But I held out and waited.  On Monday, September 30, RCW's first day of his new job, I waited to send him off to work and then I peed in a cup and dipped the test stick in it and waited.  Not Pregnant.  I knew it.  I had a feeling it wouldn't work.  Things just had not lined up this cycle.  I was heartbroken.  I felt like a failure again.  I let RCW know.  It was a sad day.  I waited for my cycle to start and wondered what we would do next.

But Baby W3, you had other plans.  Just to be safe, so I could call the RE's office 2 weeks from the IUI, I tested again on Wednesday, October 2.  14 days from IUI.  I had a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, Monday's test was a false negative. Maybe I had implanted late.  Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.  And within seconds, that test flashed PREGNANT!  Oh the joy!  The shock!  The elation!  I was over the moon!  We were going to have a baby!  A June baby!  We were going to be those crazy people with 3 littles under 3!  OMG!  I was so so so happy.  In that moment, I knew how desperately I wanted you.  Why did I ever have doubts?!

I began to plan how to tell RCW the news.  I took some pictures.  A full crib.  It was an inside joke.  I literally put all 3 huskies, 2 babies and myself in C's crib.  Snapped a picture and got it ready to show RCW when he arrived home that night.  Then I called my RE's office and got lab work requests sent to my OB in town to have my beta level drawn.  I got to my OB's at 11am that morning for blood work.  I didn't get the beta results that day, but that night when RCW came home, I told him to scroll through some pictures on my phone from the day.  There was a series of messages telling him he was right (he held out hope and always said we would be pregnant), that we would need a bigger crib, then there was the picture of all of us in the crib and the final picture was a message showing our estimated due date, June 10, 2014.  He was so excited!  Just like me from that morning.  We hugged, kissed and started thinking about you, Baby W3.

The next day, a nurse called with my beta numbers.  33.4.  Super low.  To be pregnant, I needed to get 25 or above.  I did that, just barely.  The OB's nurse was hopeful.  The RE's nurse who called later to share the same news was not.  She'd been there before with too many others.  She was realistic, "Yes, you are pregnant.  For now.  Its a very low number.  Go test again in a week."  I was upset.  The beta was so so so low.  RCW, ever optimistic, told me what I held onto deep in my heart, Baby W3 was a girl.  You implanted late like many scientific studies suggest occur with girls and not boys.  That's why I had a negative test first and then a positive and its why the beta was so low.  Our little girl was here, but just fashionably late.  We held onto that thought for the next week.  All the while, symptoms progressed.  Exhaustion, nausea.  I became a furnace.  We still talked about our June baby and when we would tell people and how we would share the news. 

The following week, on October 9, I went back to my OB and had blood drawn again.  This time I didn't wait a day. I pestered the nurses at both my OB and RE's offices to get same day results.  My beta was 949.9!  I had a doubling time of 36 hours!  It was a great number and both nurses were very pleased!  This was it, we were pregnant with Baby W3!  I scheduled our first ultrasound for October 24 at 7 weeks, 2 days.

Over the next 2 weeks, my symptoms persisted, strongly!  I was so tired ALL day long.  I had waves of nausea hit first thing when I woke up, randomly throughout the day and when I went to bed.  I was STARVING and eating all the chocolate I could find.  My face was breaking out. My boobs got bigger.  My already poochy belly from having had 2 babies in 2 years started to poke out and my stretch marks started to get shiny again.  Seriously.  And I was a moody witch.  Poor RCW.  It was so bad that a dear friend, Auntie S, in the middle of a texting therapy session one day asked semi jokingly if I was pregnant and I couldn't lie to her.  I told her yes.  She was the first person to know.  With all of this, we continued to believe you were a girl.  The symptoms were so different from the boys.  You were causing drama already little girl!  Over those 2 weeks, we talked about looking for bigger houses next fall, getting pink things, would we try for Baby W4, and names.  Although to be fair, we always have names ready because we're crazy like that. We knew you were either going to be TCW or HCW, whether you were the girl we thought you would be or a little boy.  We talked about how I would handle taking 3 under 3 out shopping.  We talked about driving back to Virginia with 3 babies.  We talked about plans for having you on most likely June 3 with a planned c-section.  We started taking weekly bump pictures at 6 weeks to document your growth. We were so incredibly happy and excited to have you!

As October 24 approached, some nerves crept in.  I knew there was a possibility that something could be wrong.  There is always a possibility.  But I pushed it away. RCW didn't worry at all.  So much so, we decided he shouldn't take time off of his new job to attend the ultrasound.  He'd come when we had our first appointment with our OB locally instead of taking half a day off to drive to Northern Kentucky to our RE's satellite office.  He was that confident.

So on October 24, I spent the morning at home playing with C and E.  I fed them lunch and then at 1:30pm we piled in the car and drove to Florence, Kentucky.  I loaded C and E into the double stroller, in snow flurries, and went into the office.  I was put into an exam room.  I got C settled with a snack and Bubble Guppies on the iPad.  I got E settled with Sophie in the stroller and I undressed from the waist down and hopped onto the exam table.  My beloved Dr. S came in.  We did the scan.  Immediately, I looked for 2 babies. There was just 1.  But then within seconds, I knew something didn't look right.  I didn't see anything flickering like with C and E's first scans.  I didn't see a heartbeat.  C was screaming, which lead to E screaming.  Dr. S. finished looking and printing pictures, told me to get dressed and the boys settled and he'd come back to discuss things.  Once we were settled, he told me what I knew.  He didn't see a heartbeat.  He also told me I had a subchorionic hemorrhage, a tear where the placenta had torn away from the uterus wall.  I told him I was fairly certain I had implanted late.  He reassured me that perhaps I wasn't as far along as we thought then.  He reviewed the betas in my chart and said that yes, if I was only 6 weeks along it wasn't an issue that we didn't see a heartbeat.  He told me to expect to bleed due to the tear and to come back in 2 weeks for a second scan and sent me on my way.

As I pushed C and E out to the car and loaded them up, I became anxious.  My fears had been confirmed.  There wasn't a heartbeat.  I immediately tried calling RCW, but he was working in the field.  I couldn't find him.  I cried.  I was heartbroken.  There was not going to be a June baby.  I knew this cycle was crap.  RCW finally called and remained my loving, optimistic husband.  I remained the anxious, worry wart, realistic Stephanie I have always been and I bawled my eyes out on the almost 2 hour drive home.  It was over.  Everything we had hoped and prayed for and wanted was gone just like that.  Then I was angry.  I was angry at myself for pushing to try, I was angry at my body for sucking and not working, I was angry at God because why did He let us get pregnant only to take it away?  Why did He put me, us, through this roller coaster of no, yes, maybe, yes, maybe.  What was He trying to teach?  By the time we got home, I was numb.  I wanted to forget I was pregnant, I wanted to pretend it wasn't true.  I didn't want to think about anything else until our next ultrasound on November 7.

Another two week wait.  Every time I went to the bathroom I was anxious. Would I see blood?  Were my symptoms getting better, or worse? What was happening?  The tears came in waves.  I'd be fine, but then I'd put E down for a nap and see my sleeping baby boy and I'd lose it.  I'd kneel and pray and cry.  I begged and pleaded many times over the next 2 weeks with God to please please please save you, Baby W3.  Then I would pray for peace, for strength, for His love to get me through this.  Between October 24 and November 6, I processed and accepted that more than likely we would not be bringing home a baby in June.  I had set my mind to the fact that we would all go, including RCW this time, to the appointment on November 7, not see a heartbeat and Dr. S would prescribe some meds to induce labor and miscarry at home.  I had planned to have our 2013 Christmas card pictures taken at home at 9am Saturday, November 9 and then by 10am I would have popped the pills and started the cycle of a drug induced miscarriage.  This was my reality.  I would rather be heartbroken now with only a small glimmer of hope for something different than to live like things were great and go through heartbreak all over again come our next appointment.  RCW didn't function like that.  From the get go, he maintained we had 3 littles.  He never gave up, he never let go of hope, he believed his baby girl would make it and prove her momma wrong.  Unfortunately, because of that mentality things hit him a bit harder than me when it occurred.

Because we did lose you, Baby W3.  You are no longer with us.  But it wasn't due to medicine.  No, my body finally did something right.  Ironic, isn't it?  After spotting for a few days, which I now assume was the tear bleeding out, I took it easy ALL day Wednesday, November 6.  I didn't bleed all day long.  I was amazed.  I even began to think maybe, just maybe, things would be ok.  C took an extra long nap that day.  Before I went to get him up at 5pm, I went to the bathroom.  And it had started. I was bleeding heavily. I wasn't cramping or hurting, but I knew it was beginning.  I got C up, I called RCW and asked when he would be home and I started to cook dinner.  By 5:30pm, I was in pain.  But RCW wasn't home yet and now E was up too.  I had 2 babies and dinner on the stove cooking.  I couldn't crawl into a ball in bed and hide under the covers.  I kept frequenting the bathroom, bleeding and passing clots.  I kept locking C out which elicited tears and knocks on the door because he is never locked out of the bathroom from me.  But he didn't need to see what I was seeing.  E played happily on the living room floor all the while.  RCW finally arrived home and told me to go to bed.  But I didn't.  I had to eat.  And it wasn't fair to burden him with feeding both boys dinner.  I was going to be cramping and in pain whether I was laying in bed or sitting at the dinner table eating with my family.  I chose to eat and have our regularly scheduled family dinner.    The night went on as usual, dinner, clean up, playing in the living room, pjs and bed.  We cut a few corners that night such as bath and books and bedtime came a bit quicker than usual.  During it all I was having pretty severe contraction like cramps and running to the bathroom every so often. 

Once the boys were down for the night, I didn't know what had passed or hadn't.  I knew our doctor would ask if we saw you, Baby W3, pass.  I kept looking, but couldn't distinguish anything.  RCW and I cuddled up on the sofa while I sat on a towel, a chuck pad that I had left over from E's c-section and we watched New Girl on DVR.  It was a hilarious episode, as most are.  But this one was funny!  So here's the thing with what I experienced losing you.  The sensation of something falling out of you, ie: all the clots, is not a fun experience for me.  I didn't like it.  I didn't like it at all.  And everytime I coughed, laughed or sneezed more would fall out.  As RCW and I sat watching New Girl to keep us laughing and not too focused on what was happening, RCW made me laugh.  He mocked a scene in the show and made me laugh hard.  And then I flinched and said, "Oh crap! More just fell out of me because you made me laugh!"  He paused the show, helped me gather all my towels around myself so I wouldn't leak on the floor and I waddled off to the bathroom. 

As I sat down and pulled down my pants, I saw you.  You had fallen out of me during that big belly laugh caused by your daddy.  You left us at 9 weeks, 1 day on Wednesday, November 6 around 8:30pm. I LOST it.  I wasn't laughing anymore, I was crying as hard as I've ever cried before.  It was over.  It was really, truly, no doubt about it, over.  You were gone.  Our Baby W3 was gone.  RCW heard me crying and came down the hallway.  I hadn't wanted him to see you, but I couldn't move.  I was just sitting there, hands over my face weeping for you, for me, for him.  Time seemed to stand still.  As soon as RCW came into the bathroom, he lost it.  And hearing your daddy cry real guttural tears.  Sigh.  It just made me cry that much harder.  He leaned over and held me and we cried together.  We didn't speak.  I don't know what he was thinking.  Heck, I'm not even sure I know what I was thinking.  We were grieving for you, our June baby.  Its a moment I will never forget and it was a moment that brought RCW and I together, stronger, more connected.  Babies do that.  Losing your baby together does that too.  Eventually, RCW went into action.  He helped me take off my pants and he folded things up and helped me clean up.  As he was moving you, I made myself speak.  I didn't know what he was going to do with you, but I knew I wanted to take you to the doctor tomorrow to inquire about running genetic testing to see if we could figure out why we lost you.  I simply stated in a whisper, "Maybe we should take it with us tomorrow."  RCW didn't say a word, he just continued to hide you from our sight and tucked you away for safe keeping in the bathroom.

We didn't finish New Girl that night.  We silently got ready for bed and turned off the lights and we both cried some more while holding each other.  We said I love you and each eventually went to sleep at some point.  We were together, but I knew RCW was shutting down.  He needed to process.  He needed to mourn on his own. He needed to not talk.  And for once, I didn't push him.

The next morning, Thursday, November 7, we tried to go about as usual.  I was sad.  But I had a strange sense of relief.  The limbo of the past few weeks of not knowing anything for sure, of going back and forth, had taken its toll on me and now I knew.  I was sad and I cried and I wanted you back.  But it was time to mourn now.  There were no more questions.  I knew the facts, finally.  I didn't like them, but I had relief that I knew them.  I texted and emailed some close momma friends to share the news.  I posted a Facebook status asking for prayers for us and sharing the verse that always gets me through our infertility journey, "For I know the plans I have for you," declared the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and future."  Jeremiah 29:11.  I emailed our parents and siblings.  I made bottles, made breakfast and took care of C and E.  I was still cramping and passing clots, but I had to be a momma to C and E.  They left very little time for me to wallow in self pity!  After lunch, I packed us all up in the car and after a pit stop at Three Dog Bakery to get pill pockets for Dallas, we went to pick up RCW from work.  It was time to head to our appointment.

Traffic was horrible.  We were 30 minutes late after getting off the interstate and taking back roads to get around the huge construction backup on 71.  We finally arrived and I told the nurse we had lost you.  We got settled in our exam room and Dr. S came in.  He greeted us, gave us his condolences and then he got to work.  In a painful and unexpected twist, he helped the final stages of the miscarriage along by cleaning me out.  It was more painful than either c-section and I was so thankful RCW decided to still attend so he was able to keep C and E occupied.  In hindsight, I'm glad he did it as I think I would have continued to be cramping and hurting for a couple more days if he hadn't.  But it was a physically painful experience, especially considering I wasn't anticipating it!  After he cleaned my cervix, he performed an ultrasound to check everything out.  He medically confirmed what we already knew, we had lost you.  But medically, things looked right. That was a silver lining.  After the exam, we discussed the next steps.  Dr. S said we could try again in January after a couple months of healing.  Dr. S said he would still perform IUI with shots on me since we know they can lead to healthy pregnancies and healthy babies.  We told him we had you, Baby W3, in the car and asked about genetic testing.  He didn't think it necessary and unfortunately since we were in their satellite office he didn't have the proper tools to take you from us.  We accepted it, even though we had been hoping for more.  Perhaps, in the end, its for the best that we don't know more details about you or why you left us so soon.  We know what we need to know.  We love you.  We wanted you so badly.  You made us so very happy for 9 weeks and 1 day!  We thought about you, planned for you and I had dreams about you.  We also know God had a reason.

I'm not angry anymore.  Again, I have a strange peace about the whole journey.  I know God has a plan for me and us and our family.  I believe with every ounce of my being that despite my wishes and preferences, adding to our family was not part of His plan for us right now.  And that sucks.  But I trust Him.  RCW does too.  We don't know what the future will hold.  We have mixed feelings about you, Baby W3, and this pregnancy.  Was it to show us how badly we want another baby?  Or was it to show us our family is complete?  I don't know.  I have my personal inner most beliefs, but RCW and I have not discussed the future.  While RCW isn't 'very sad' anymore, I have been checking in on him daily and he continues to be 'just a little sad'.  We aren't ready to think about jumping back on the fertility treatment wagon again right now.  We are still grieving in our own ways and together and healing physically and emotionally from losing you, Baby W3. 

Whether you come back to us here, or we don't meet again until years down the road in heaven, I know you're with God.  And as I've shared with RCW, you were our third loss on this journey, and after losing you, Baby W3, who we both so deeply felt were our little girl, well...we aren't so sure that we can have a girl anymore.  Maybe we just can't make a healthy baby girl.  I don't know.  Perhaps one day we'll be proven wrong, but I do believe that one day when we get to heaven, there will be at least 1, if not 3, little girls waiting to greet us.  You'll be there, Baby W3, waiting for me and your daddy.

Thank you for coming to us, even for just a short time.  You are a blessing.  We will continue to love you and grieve for you.  We will always remember you. You, this pregnancy, this experience will stay in our hearts forever.
 
XOXOX,
~Momma

Being a Mom to Two - Questions and Answers

As I sat feeding E one afternoon this week and C played happily with his cars vrooming them across the living room floor, I pulled out the iPhone and Bloglovin and came across Stephanie's post called Being a Mom to Two - Questions and Answers.  I LOVED IT!  I didn't do too much researching and reading up before we had E.  I was savoring my days of just being a mom of 1 while adjusting to staying home and finishing up school.  Little things crossed my mind, but I figured we'd learn as we went.  I just kept saying, we'd find our new normal.  And we have.  But I thought it would be fun and a great reminder to answer these questions about the boys.

What is your favorite thing about having two kids? 

There is more love.  More snuggles.  More hugs and kisses.  I adore watching C becoming a big brother and watching E look up to him already.  C is quite the helper - he's started helping me shake up E's bottles, he helps feed him, pat his back to burp him, brings me burp clothes, takes E toys and his pacifier, rocks him in the car seat, pushes buttons on toys to make them light up and make noise and all during this E just looks at C and smiles and coos.  The adoration between the two turns me into a pile of momma mush.  I know it won't always be so sweet, but we're in a pretty awesome season right now.

What has been the hardest thing about having 2 kids so far? 

Balancing the two of them.  Some days it feels like someone is always crying.  I get C settled and E starts, I get E settled and C starts.  Some times their naps don't overlap (today they are, hence writing this!) and those days it really feels like I never have a second of downtime.  Unlike RCW, who truly can not stand either boy crying, it has mostly become background noise to me at this point, but I still hate that I can't take care of both of them at the same time always.  It becomes priority - who needs momma more in that exact moment.  Its a fine line and has been a hard adjustment for me.

Are you doing anything different with your second child than with your first?

Yes.  C was put on a very strict 3 hour schedule from almost day 1 because of his massive weight loss to my lack of milk and refusal to give him formula until almost a week after his birth.  It was clockwork.  If he was asleep, we woke him up to feed him every 3 hours around the clock.  As he got bigger and his bottles got bigger, the feedings would drop off until he was sleeping through the night.  But up until almost his 1 year birthday, he was on a schedule of 5-8-11-2-5-8.  E, on the other hand, was never put on a schedule.  RCW and I thought to ourselves, maybe he'll sleep longer. Maybe we don't have to be slaves to the clock.  Maybe we'll just do the on demand thing with E.  There are pros and cons to that, but right now at 4 months old, E is ALL over the place.  No schedule and he has an intense dislike for us when we try to push one on him.  Another difference is I only tried giving E breast milk for a month, instead of pushing through and going to 4 months like with C.  We go out and about MUCH more with E than we did with C.  We let E fall asleep on his own more than with C (mainly because its priority and sometimes there isn't the time to rock him for 30 minutes into a deep sleep like we did with C).  The other thing we purposely did differently is that E never ever ever met the exercise ball.  C relied on being bounced to go to sleep and be calmed, so much so it went on vacation with us last summer.  We did not want that crutch for E.

Do you feel like you are 'better' at having a baby since you already had one? 

Honestly, yes.  I don't think things get to me as much.  As I mentioned, while I hate that sometimes either boy has to cry, its background white noise to me at this point.  I don't fret as much about things like a schedule.  Again, see above.  Everything was so brand new with C being the first.  Its still new and exciting with E, like his first little giggle the other week, but the scary stuff and reading the parenting emails and fretting about if we're doing it right or not, those things don't hit me this time around.  Ironically, I still fret about C because we're still going through firsts with him.  Is he verbal enough?  Does he share well?  When do we potty train?  I think I'll start to worry more if E doesn't follow the same path as C in terms of milestones, but the every day in and out of life, it seems more relaxed this time around.

When do you have special alone time with your first? Do you even get alone time with your first that much anymore?

I'm blessed to be at home with the boys every day so it allows for more one on one time.  When E is napping, I make sure to utilize that time with C to read books or get down on the floor and play with him just him and momma.  C also gets to go outside and go on more errands with RCW these days too.  C is still too little to understand the concept of just him and momma or daddy time.  So long as someone's paying attention to him when he wants it, he's happy, regardless of if E is hanging out in the exersaucer beside us or not.  And while E is with us, I feel like C gets to go and do a lot that is catered to him - MyGym, toddler dates to museums and parks, storytime at the library.  C gets some one on one time with me everyday whether its reading books together or simply eating a meal together while E is napping.  I know as the boys get older we will have to work harder at setting aside true one on one time, but we just aren't there yet.

RCW with C at our local indoor trampoline park.  One of the many excursions we take not only for family time, but picked to entertain C :)

Do you ever feel like your first isn't getting near the attention anymore?

Obviously, C doesn't get as much attention as he did before E was born.  Before E, it was just C.  His every need and whim were catered to by yours truly in a matter of minutes.  That simply isn't viable anymore since E joined the family.  But, in all honesty, I think with E here, C is getting more quality attention than before.  View it as quality over quantity.

Are there jealousy issues?

There are some jealousy issues, I think.  Granted C can't tell me how he's feeling yet and he's also cutting 8 teeth currently making him more clingy and needy than usual, but I think he does want attention when E's getting attention.  It didn't start immediately, it has really just popped up in recent weeks, which I've found interesting.  RCW thinks that perhaps C has realized that when E cries, we usually go tend to him so C has picked up on that and started crying more too.  There are days and times when if I'm feeding E, C wants to be held as well, so I have a lap full.  But C will help feed E in my lap. Its an interesting dynamic that I'm not certain is 100% jealousy over E.  C's also started running over when he sees a dog giving me attention and squeezing between our legs when RCW hugs me.  So yea, I think a lot of it is just being 17 months old regardless of having a baby brother in the house!

Is it even possible to get them both to nap at the same time?

It is.  Like today while I'm writing this :)  But it isn't everyday and that is mostly because of E not having a schedule.  Most days, their naps overlap by at least an hour, but it isn't every day.  C naps from about 1pm to 3 or 4pm.  If I'm lucky, E gets a nap in there somewhere too.

If the toddler doesn't nap when the baby naps, how do you follow the old 'sleep when the baby sleeps' advice? 
This doesn't really apply to me.  I never napped when C napped when it was just him and I certainly haven't napped since being home alone with E.  I think I may have napped a couple times when we first got home and my parents were here.  But yea, I'm not a napping kind of person!  I sleep at night between E's feedings and on weekends RCW gets up with the boys in the morning so I can sleep in and catch up.

Do you think baby #2 just has to be more go with the flow or do you really try to stick to a schedule like you did/if you did with baby #1?

See above.  Baby #2 is definitely more go with the flow, but that was our choosing and doing and a byproduct of E's personality.  He isn't the baby you can force feed.  If he doesn't want to eat, he'll purse his lips and spit it all out!  Without being able to make him eat on a schedule, its hard to get him to sleep on a schedule! I will say this in terms of schedules, as we talk about baby #3, we want him/her to be on a schedule like C was.  It may be nice to not get up every 3 hours in those early weeks, but later on its definitely more helpful and easier to know what to expect and when to expect it instead of every day being totally different.  Especially when C is still on a semi-schedule.  We can anticipate when he'll wake up, eat, nap and go to bed.  In between all of that is E doing his own little thing :)

How do you deal with scheduling around both of their naps? Does the younger one just nap whenever, wherever? 
One benefit of E being on his own timeline is that he doesn't nap too much in the mornings.  Instead of doing a morning nap and afternoon nap like C did when he was little, E usually cat naps in the car or while in the Boba wrap while we're out and about in the mornings and then takes a long afternoon nap while C is usually napping.  Since C is set on an afternoon nap, we schedule things for mornings.  I like to be out of the house by 9-9:30am and then home by 12-12:30pm  for the lunch and nap routine.

Where do you put them in the grocery cart?

Time to be honest - we're almost 4 months in and I haven't gone grocery shopping alone with both boys.  I've taken C. I've taken E.  I haven't grocery shopped with both.  RCW and I went one day with all of us.  We got one of those car shopping carts and put C in the car and E in his carseat in the top leaving the basket empty for groceries.  I don't know where I'd put them to grocery shop if I had them both with me.  At Target or Sam's or places with carts that don't need to be filled to the brim with groceries, I use to put E in his carseat in the top and C in the basket.  But C started playing with what I was buying and sometimes throwing items out of the cart so recently I've been putting E in his carseat in the basket and C in the top.  It doesn't leave a lot of room, but we make do and cuts down on impulse buys at Target!

Who do you get in the car first/out of the car first? 
Ha, I just had a Fb rant about this last week!  There are a couple different scenarios so here we go. 
1. When we are leaving the house: C walks on his own and I carry E in his carseat.  While I'm putting E's carseat into the base, C is playing the yard/driveway and makes his way over to his side of the car for me to buckle him in.

2. When RCW is with us leaving the house: for some reason he usually gets C in first and then comes back to get E or I bring E out when I lock up.

3. When we're leaving another place without shopping carts like library and MyGym: I put E in his carseat on the ground as close to the Tahoe as possible and put C into the car first.  I get C buckled and then put E into the base.  C isn't old enough to understand standing still so C has to go in first if he isn't contained or in our yard or he'd be running off through the parking lot!

4.  When we're leaving another place with shopping carts like Target or Sam's Club: I leave E in the shopping cart and put C in first.  I started by putting E in first, but realized while getting the carseat snapped into the base, C likes to wiggle and rock and roll and sometimes he'd make the cart move which was dangerous.  Now C gets in the car first because E can't make the shopping cart roll yet!

5. When we arrive somewhere with or without shopping carts: I get E out first.  If there are carts, he goes in one.  If there aren't carts, he goes on the ground by the Tahoe.  Then I get C out.  I either put C into the cart with E or I put him on the ground and hold his hand to walk while I pick up E's carseat.

6.  When we arrive home: I get C out first and put him on the ground to walk around the driveway and yard and make his way up to the door to see his dogs while I get E and all of our stuff out.

I don't want to even think about how this will all change when E isn't in a bucket seat anymore!  Which will be sooner than later since our bucket only goes to 22 pounds and E's already 18+!

What do you do when they're both crying at the same time?

I hate it.  It makes me feel sad and frustrated that one of my babies is going to have to keep crying, but it is what it is.  I have to gauge priority.  Who needs me more in that moment.  For instance, if they both wake up in the mornings together, I know E needs me more than C because he's a baby and hungry and he's truly screaming.  C just wants to get out of bed and play and will eventually start to whine, but he's fine hanging out in his crib a few extra minutes while I get E settled.  But like the other day when C fell and E was fussy to finish eating and burping, C's bleeding chin took priority.  I don't think there has been a moment where both are screaming and truly needed me at the same exact time.  Knock on wood that moment doesn't happen!  Right now, I can still make decisions based on priority.  

What does your older child do while you are nursing?
While I'm not nursing, I do have to feed E.  Sometimes it happens while C is napping so I get some TV time ;)  If C's awake, usually he's just playing while I feed E.  If C's having a moment where he wants to be held, he sits in my lap and helps hold the bottle and pat E's back to burp him.  We haven't had too many problems with C playing independently when I'm taking care of E.

C happily playing while RCW was feeding E and I was doing work on the laptop.

How do you shower...ever?!

Sadly, this doesn't happen as often as it should.  I always shower on weekends when RCW is home.  But sometimes I can go days.  Especially on weeks when RCW is working out of town.  Sorry all!  I wear a lot of ponytails with headbands or sunglasses and carry deodorant in my purse!  If RCW's not home, I try to shower in the morning.  I'll wake up before the boys or sometimes they hang out in their respective beds while momma takes a quick shower.  I've also tried showering when they're awake in the mornings.  I'll put E in his exersaucer in the bedroom and bring C into the bathroom with me, but that hasn't happened lately because the last time it resulted in C basically trying to climb in the shower with me.  He's obsessed with water!  I don't like showering at night because I feel like I still wake up dirty after getting up and down with E and his spitting up!

What do you do if you want to take the older one to something the second one can't do? Like zoo, circus, etc.

We all go.  E has done much more than C had at his age.  E usually hangs out in the stroller or even more likely in the Boba wrap on me while we're at a museum or zoo or MyGym.  We haven't had any issues yet, although as E gets bigger and isn't as content being confined I do foresee having to make some changes, but I'm not sure what those are just yet.  We really like our family time and trying to include everyone in everything.

How difficult is it to go anywhere with just you and the kids?

This isn't something I've struggled with, luckily!  Again, I think it will change as E continues to grow and wants to be more independent.  But right now, I just make sure I allow extra time and take extra supplies.  The boys and I go out alone at least 3 days a week together, if not more.  Its important for me to get out of the house and even more important to me that C socializes with other littles so we adjusted and found a new normal.  I think C and I go out more now with E than we did before he was born!

Do you give them baths at the same time?
Sometimes.  I prefer to give them baths together.  If the stars and schedules align they do!  If RCW is at home, they do too.  If RCW is home, they both get in the tub together.  He washes E then hands him off to me to dry, lotion and put into pjs while he washes C.  Then RCW does the drying, lotion and pjs of C.  If RCW isn't home and I'm doing baths alone at the same time, C goes in first and is washed.  E hangs out in the Nap Nanny in the bathroom with us.  Once C is clean, I put the infant tub in, fill it with water and put E in and wash him.  C plays while E is being washed regardless of who is doing the washing.  Once E is clean, I get him out, wrap him in a towel and basically swaddle him up in a blanket and put him in his crib with the mobile on while I then get C out and dry, lotioned and into pjs.  Then C hangs out in his room and plays while I get E dried, lotioned and into pjs.  Its a system!  Sometimes though, the schedules at night don't line up and they have separate baths. 

Do your children share rooms and if so how does that work or are you planning to share rooms?
The boys will share a room, but right now E is still sleeping in our room.  E's crib is in the nursery along with C's and sometimes he'll nap in there with C.  Its happened a handful of times so far.  It's gone well, but for right now its just easier to do most naps and bedtime in the cradle in our room.  I'm not too nervous for them sharing a room, but I'm not really thinking about it until E is sleeping through the night since C is such a good sleeper right now.

First ever nap in the same room together.  And their crazy momma was trying to document it!  C's on the aqua sheet, E's on the green one.  And yes, there is a dog bone in the middle of the floor!

How do you manage your home and take care of two babes?? Where do you get all the energy from?
Ok, so lets be honest again.  The house is far from clean.  It isn't a priority for me.  With the dogs, I vacuum at least every other day, if not every day in the open living space.  We keep laundry and dishes clean.  I try to keep the kitchen semi-clean.  But bathrooms - yea, they're cleaned maybe once every 2 months.  Floors mopped only when the dogs track in dirty muddy feet.  Dusting - what is that?!  The boys room and our bedroom vacuumed - that happens when we have a photoshoot.  I don't feel like we live in a pig sty by any means, but yes, the house could be cleaner.  But I don't think its taken a backseat since having E or C.  I wanted to stay home to be with my babies, not to live in a sparkling house.  So going out and about and doing things with them takes priority.  However, I do try to cook.  We eat a home cooked meal or leftovers pretty much every night.  Since staying home, eating out and take out has taken a major backseat.  I don't feel like I have some crazy amount of energy.  There are certainly lazy days, but you push through and do what you have to do.  Some days are survival mode in pjs, other days are crazy productive.  It all evens out in the end!

Typical view of the main living space.  Laptop open to Fb on kitchen table, toys all over the living room, dirty dipe and wipes on kitchen counter.  C is eating lunch.  E is fussing.  Pile of laundry waiting to be folded on TV consol.

Were you ever scared you couldn't love another child as much as the first one? 
Yes.  I was very scared.  The days leading up to E's planned c-section I was terrified.  HOW could I love another baby as much as I loved C?!  And honestly, especially if that baby was a girl.  I 110% wanted Baby W2 to be a boy so C would have a brother close in age to him. While I can't play what if since we had a boy, like I wanted, I can easily say that the cliche mothers of 2+ tell you about your heart growing is true.  The love just expands.  These 2 boys are my life and I love them each dearly to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond.  I have no fears about having more babies about being able to love them all.  Its the concept of the more the merrier, except the more, the more love.

How are you and your spouse able to keep the spark (not sex) going when you are busy with both kids? 
We are really lucky that the boys go to bed early.  I don't know what we'd do if we had babies that stayed up late!  The boys are both down (usually) by 8pm.  Once they're down, chores stop, work stops and RCW and I hang out.  We watch TV or a movie.  We cuddle on the sofa.  We eat a dessert together.  On weekends we've also stopped doing things to hang out and talk during afternoon naps.  And since we make the drive to RVA frequently, catching up during that 9 hour car ride helps too.  We text during the day all the time as well.  I try to make him feel like he's with us, sending pictures and videos of the boys, especially when he's working out of town for the week.  As much as I adore and love C and E, I know that one day they will be adults and leave and RCW and I need to have the foundation of our relationship and marriage still be in tact so our relationship takes priority over having a clean house or logging too many extra work hours once the boys are cared for.  We also play on the floor with the kids a lot, especially on weekends.  One day the boys will think they have crazy parents, but right now they love it.  I'm blessed because I know we have a lot of family time, which helps keep the spark between RCW and I.  And we always make sure we have date nights when my parents visit.  We've never left the kids either a babysitter besides my mom and dad.  I don't know when or if we would as my parents visit every 6-8 weeks.  So we embrace giving them grandparent time and go out to dinner and a movie or just hang out in our room.  I should note, that doesn't mean we don't fight or have disagreements or pass out sometimes, but overall we've been able to find a happy balance for the two of us. 

How do you and your hubby split the work? Does he mostly take over the older kid duties when he's home and on the weekends?
That's a hard question to answer.  I stay at home.  So during the day I do all the work.  That was my choice and my preference.  RCW works out of town Monday through Thursday frequently so a lot of the time I'm single parenting during the week 24/4.  When RCW is home on the weekends after being away, he usually gets up the boys in the morning so I can sleep in and catch up.  When he isn't working out of town during the week, its a tag team effort for the most part on nights and weekends.  There are rare times when RCW does all the work - mainly when I'm running errands or whatnot.  That's my choice.  I don't want to be at home and not helping raise and care for the boys.  A lot of it boils down to do you want the toddler or do you want the baby and we each take one when we're both at home.  When #3 enters the picture, I'm not sure how that will change since we won't get a 3rd adult to come home with us too!

I’d be interested to hear your answers to these questions if you have more than one child.  Are there other questions you have that I didn’t touch on?

Dogs, Falls and Quiet Babies

Last week RCW was out of town, again.  I've gotten pretty good at the single parenting thing with the boys and the pups.  But one thing I'm not good at (yet) is first aid.  I'm the kid who never had a broken bone, never had stitches.  I married a man who probably went to the ER every other year and that extended well into our courtship and marriage!  Our boys are rough and tumble.  Our dogs are high energy.  We've also encouraged the two to interact.  Thus begins the story of last Wednesday afternoon.

I was feeding E his afternoon bottle.  C was happily playing on the floor in front of me.  At some point he decided he wanted to play with Sonny, our youngest male husky.  These 2 are buds and play together often.  C throws a ball, Sonny chases it.  Sonny chews a bone and C grabs for it.  On this particular afternoon they decided their game of choice was tug of war with a rope toy.  Unfortunately, C was on the losing end of that game.  He fell and hit his chin on the corner of his IKEA table.  Now, C falls a lot.  See above, he's rough and tumble!  This time though, he was screaming bloody murder.  He wouldn't get up.  He just sat on the floor, screaming, crying and I saw his chin was bleeding.

Video of C and Sonny playing. 
Not the Wednesday in question, but just to give you an idea of their friendship.

E had just finished 6 ounces in a matter of minutes.  He hadn't burped yet, but C needed his momma.  E's car seat was sitting right beside us on top of the dog's cage where I left it when we'd come home from our morning out and about.  I immediately put E in the car seat so he'd be semi upright to help his reflux issues and went to C.  I scooped C up and rushed him to the kitchen counter where I grabbed ice and paper towels for his bleeding chin.

I then started speed dialing RCW.  Did C need stitches?  Did I need to pack up everyone to go to the ER?  How do I know when a cut is bad enough to need stitches?!  RCW wasn't answering his cell.  After the 5th or 6th time getting his voicemail, I called our pediatrician.  My question was, "My toddler fell and cut his chin, HOW do I know if he needs stitches?"  The nurse's response was, "Take him to local children's hospital, they'll have glue to use, not stitches.  Good luck.  Bye!"  That was NOT the answer I needed.  I did not want to load everyone up if C didn't need stitches.  I called RCW again.  Nothing.  I started texting him pictures.  Nothing.  I called my very best almost sister in VA who had dealt with stitches on her little a couple years ago.  Nothing.  I called a very dear momma friend in TN with an 18 month old little boy.  Nothing.  I tried RCW again.  Nothing.  I was about to call my brother who had just taken my nephew for stitches last week when I remembered I had a work cell number for RCW. 

I dialed and a man answered.  I was 99% sure it was RCW and I just went off a mile a minute.  "Where were you?  Does C need stitches?  He fell.  It won't stop bleeding?  Why didn't you answer your $!*%ing phone?!  Help me, help me, help me!"  Somewhere in a far corner of my head I wondered if it was RCW who had answered as their work cells are pretty communal.  Thank goodness it was my hubs!

He apologized, his personal cell had been switched to vibrate in his pocket.  He looked at pictures and said C didn't need stitches.  Then he said I'd been making the situation worse by constantly putting ice and paper towels on and off of it.  I wasn't letting the blood clot.  During the good 15 to 20 minutes of trying to find someone to tell me if he needed stitches, the cut never stopped bleeding, which was what was freaking me out the most.  He said to get a bandaid on C's chin, turn on an episode of Bubble Guppies and put pressure on his chin and call RCW back if it had bled through the bandaid after the 20 minute cartoon.

I scooped up C and headed back into the living room.  During all of this E had been quiet.  I mean, he was cooing and making his baby gurgles, but never once cried or fussed.  At some point during all of it, I actually thought to myself, "Thank God E is behaving right now so I can take care of C.".  

As C and I turned the corner back into the living room this is what I saw...

Yup.  My quiet happy 3.5 month old was hanging off the edge of the dog's cage by his head.  (!!!!!!!)  No, I had not strapped him in.  He often sits in his carseat and hangs out.  Actually, he does it 2-3 times a week at MyGym.  Had this ever happened before?  No.  Nothing like it.  Now I was really thanking God and counting my blessings that E hadn't fallen to the ground.  E and I had someone watching out for us that afternoon!  RCW doesn't fully believe E did this on his own.  RCW's theory is that one of the dogs jumped up to look at him since he was sitting on top of their communal cage and tipped the seat and then E wiggled, scooted and kicked his way toward the edge.  We'll never know what happened, but I'm just glad this Wednesday afternoon didn't end up at the ER with a bumped baby head, or worse!

After I snapped a picture, I mean come on, I had to document the little dare devil's antics or no one would believe me, I got E settled into a safer seat while I tended to C's chin.  By the end of our Bubble Guppies episode, all was well with both boys.  E was ready to cuddle and drift to sleep and C was rocking a bandaid on his chin and back to playing.  And this momma learned not to trust E in his carseat on top of anything without being strapped in and what constitutes stitches or not!  Just a fairly normal day around our house!

Scaling a 6 Foot Fence With a Toddler on Your Hip

Yup.

The title of the post, it happened today.  It was my real life.  It was one of those moments where I wished I had a reality crew following me around to capture the insanity.  If I could have figured out how to take a selfie while climbing over our 6 foot privacy fence with C on my hip, I would've.  I'm sure it was a sight!

But let me back up to the beginning.

This morning started off fine.  We all went out to run errands.  Michael's, Target, Post Office.  We got home and got E fed and down for his afternoon nap.  I decided since its 95 degrees here today I'd take C out to our above ground backyard pool before his lunch and nap.  We got ready and headed out the back door.  And in hindsight, let me just say thank God I took my phone!  I only brought it to a) know what time it was and b) possibly snap a picture to send RCW.  C and I splashed around and had a great time, but then his bottom lip started to shiver so we got out and came up on the deck to dry off.  I noticed the dogs were going bonkers at the back door, but didn't really think anything of it.  Sonny and Loucie typically jump up and down at the back door.  When we're out, they want out and when we're in, they want in.  We dried off and around 12:30pm I began to gather our stuff and come inside for lunch.  I turned the doorknob and it wouldn't budge.

I tried again.  And again.  And again.

You see, our back door is the kind where you have to unlock it to open it.  The doorknob HAD to be unlocked in order for us to come outside.  But now, the door was locked.  The only thing I could guess was with the dogs jumping they had a one in a million shot to lock the door and lock us outside.  I begin to slightly panic because I was locked out of the house with C and E sleeping inside (thankfully I had the monitor too so I knew he was fine).

I called RCW, who is out of town working today.  Frantically, I began to tell him I was locked out and help me and how was I going to get back inside?  I was stuck in our back yard!  Because you may recall I'm paranoid and our 6 foot tall privacy fence, which has 3 different gates, are all secured with a lock.  A lock that only opens with a key.  A key that was inside the house.

RCW mentioned me climbing over the fence.  I just laughed.  How the heck was I suppose to climb over a 6 foot fence?  Does he know me?!  But he mentioned it because he usually hides a key to the Tahoe on the Tahoe and thought if I could get out of the yard, to the Tahoe, find the Tahoe key, open the Tahoe to use the garage door opener to open the garage then I could pop the lock to the kitchen door from the garage because RCW has popped open that locked door before.

Then he asked if I had really pushed and pounded on the door.  Yup.  And yup.  So hard I was worried I was going to break the glass. 

Then he told me we had 2 options - 1) break the door in and have a broken back door or 2) call a locksmith.

At this point I was searching the deck for anything I thought I could use to break in the house.  Ya know, the old credit card trick?  I have a super old ghetto phone.  It has a flimsy back battery cover.  I thought maybe I could use that to pop the lock and get inside.  I accidentally hung up on RCW while getting the back cover off.  And thinking I'd just pop the lock, I mean RCW has done it before with a credit card, I could too, I started jimmying the thing in the door.  I was pretty proud of myself for even thinking of this idea and getting it wedged into the door.  I kept wiggling it up and down.  And at one point I hit something and I thought to myself it was weird because it felt like the deadbolt was locked, but how could that be?!  I called RCW back to tell him what was going on.  He explained how to do the trick, but I wasn't having any luck getting the door open.  He told me to keep trying and he was going to call a locksmith.  As I kept trying I ended up wiggling the cover so far into the door, I couldn't get it back out.

There went that grand idea.  

Next up, getting out of the yard.

I didn't want to risk getting C out of the yard without me so I thought the safest bet was to lock him on the deck with his climber slide and some balls.  Thankfully, our deck has a gate with a lock so he couldn't get off of it!  I locked him up there and went down to the fence.  I pulled over a patio chair from beside the pool to stand on.  As I stood there and looked over the fence I was very hesitant.  Then I decided to bring another patio chair over and put it on the other side of the fence to step down on to.  6 feet is a long jump when you aren't exactly athletic!  It was also at this point that I was super annoyed we hadn't brought the pool ladder to the back yard because hello, a ladder would have been helpful as it stood taunting me beside our house on the other side of the fence.

I climbed into the chair.  I then carefully balanced my foot on one of the fence's horizontal support beams and pushed myself over.  Have you have climbed over a fence?  You know that moment when you're straddling either side?  Its like what the heck, why did I do this?  Oh and please remember I'm doing this in a freaking bath suit without shoes on!  I got both legs over and felt around for the patio chair to steady myself.  I was done and I was out!  Hurray! 

I called RCW.  He told me I shouldn't have done it and left C on the other side especially since a locksmith would be at our house within 5 minutes.  But oh well, here we were.  Where was the Tahoe key?!

He told me where to look and lo and behold it wasn't there.  It had been removed when we were hooking up hitches and things to make the trip back to VA in May and never been replaced.  

Now I was in the front yard.  My 10 week old was locked inside.  And my 16 month old was locked on the deck in the back yard.  But a locksmith was en route!

I told RCW I could use the pool ladder to get back over the fence and get C.  I pulled it over and then wasn't sure what to do next.  The pool ladder wasn't high enough to do much and I didn't have the support beams to use to climb back over.  RCW suggested I dangle the ladder over the fence and climb up and down that way.  So I did.

And at one point I was sure I was going to break something - me or the deck - because as all my weight was on the ladder it started to wobble since it was just hanging over the fence and nothing was touching the ground.  I got back into the back yard - hurray!  All the while C was either playing happily or watching his crazy momma.  I collected C, the baby monitor and C's towel and went back to the makeshift ladder escape.  

This time I wasn't sure what to do.  I wrapped the baby monitor in the towel and wedged it in between fence posts.  I had my cell phone shoved under my boob in my bathing suit so it wouldn't fall, especially since it was currently missing the back cover.  I had C on my hip.  Luckily, he's old enough to understand 'hold on'.  So he held on to me and my bathing suit, pretty sure there may have been some flashing going on during this escapade, as I held him with my left arm and climbed up onto the wobbly hanging over the fence ladder using a patio chair for a boost with my right arm.  Again, I reached the top with C and just wasn't sure what to do next.  The ladder was shaking under me and I had C grasping to me.  I didn't trust myself to be able to climb down without hurting one or both of us, so I made the decision to lower C by his arms into the patio chair.  I'll go ahead and admit, the chair wasn't on steady ground because our yard is full of bumps and mounds and while C was perfectly fine, he did slide off the chair onto the ground and started to cry.  I quickly climbed down and scooped him up.  As I was consoling him that he was fine, I heard a man's voice.  I turned around and a young guy was standing in our side yard.  He said, "Ma'am, are you locked out?  I think your husband called..."  Um, yes.  The lady in a bathing suit with a toddler climbing a pool ladder over her 6 foot fence would be the one on the street who is locked out.  But thanks for checking!

After the fact, here's a picture of the fence and make shift escape using the pool ladder and patio chair, which fell during my final escape!

By the time we got to the front door, C had stopped crying and I was just happy someone was going to get me back inside our house!

He told me it was his dad's company, but he helps out.  He said this to explain that it may take him a few minutes to pop the locks on our door since he wasn't the expert, but still learning.  Within a couple minutes and few wiggles and jiggles and accidentally turning his tools the wrong way, he had unlocked the front door's doorknob.  But, you guys know me!  The deadbolt was locked too.  He started messing with the deadbolt and just couldn't get it.  He said it was really rusty and asked if we used it frequently.  I told him everyday, to which he couldn't believe how stuck the lock was.  I told him that RCW had mentioned if we couldn't get in the front door, he could break into the Tahoe and we could open the garage and he could pop the doorknob on our kitchen door.

He kept trying the deadbolt, but eventually said he'd try the other route.

He got different tools and was able to unlock the Tahoe.  However, because he essentially broke into it the alarm started going off on the Tahoe.  But we got the garage door open and he was able to then pop the lock on our kitchen door pretty quickly.

We were back inside!  Yay!!

I thanked him profusely and we said our goodbyes.  Once inside I looked at the backdoor.  The door that started this entire mess.  And sure enough, there was my phone cover almost on the inside AND THE DEADBOLT WAS LOCKED!  I don't have a clue how the dogs managed that task, again one in a million.  I checked on E, who was sound asleep and gave C lunch.

Showing deadbolt locked, phone cover wedged in the door and DSLR on deck.  Good thing we still have our old point and shoot so I could document evidence of the fiasco!

E happily sleeping through all the excitement!

C eating lunch unfazed by our adventure.

All in all, both boys were totally unfazed by today's adventure.  But from now on I'll take my house key with me whenever I go outside and any future babies better watch out since apparently its my thing to get locked outside while my baby is inside!  (Go here for the story of getting locked out of my parents house when C was just a few weeks old!)