I haven't written a real post in a long time, but I want to remember the details, all of them that I can from T's birth. It may be our last birth and just like with the boys I want to savor all the moments and be able to look back on her birth day. Today, she is a week old. A week already! How is that possible? I need time to slow down immediately. We've been home since she was 3 days old and today she's 7 days old. In the time home, its been an easier adjustment than when we brought E home. RCWJr believes its because T is a girl, I believe its because T went to formula/bottles almost immediately and our pediatrician offered up its because she's the 3rd little and God had mercy on us! My parents have been here taking care of the boys, but they're old enough to barge into the bedroom to find 'Baby Tatum' or in E's language, 'Baby Tamor' and mommy so I haven't been quite as recluse and isolated as during E's coming home. RCWJr went back to work on Tuesday after taking off to be in the hospital with us and being home for 3/4 of the day on Monday soaking in life with 3 littles, 3 furbabies, 2 cats and a tank of fish. We are truly a little domesticated circus around here!
(I started this as just T's birth story, the story of her birth day, but it quickly changed into a story of the couple days leading up to her birth and the days after. She didn't have quite the standard hospital stay after being born and I wanted to remember and document all of it. So the writing below is from Tuesday, June 30 - Sunday, July 5).
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We knew W3's scheduled c-section date for weeks. We knew the countdown to July 2 was on, but RCWJr and I both truly believed W3 would be here before then due to my history of preeclampsia. We were both surprised to make it to our final OB appointment on Tuesday, June 30 at 37 weeks, 6 days. The appointment was picture perfect. W3 passed the BPP scan with flying colors scoring 8/8 in a few minutes. W3 even cooperated for 3D face pictures, the only ones we got of the whole pregnancy and W3 is C's twin from his 37 week ultrasound pictures. The heartbeat was up high at 168,and made me think W3 is a girl since the heartbeat had been 145-148 for all the rest of June and our weekly appointments and scans. My vitals were perfect and Dr. N reassured me there was no reason to go any sooner than our July 2 scheduled c-section. I took a moment to have all the feelings about this being my last OB appointment with W3, captured an image with my phone of the boys in their usual Tuesday morning spot - snacking on Veggie Straws in the double stroller watching Paw Patrol or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on the iPad hanging off the side of the counter in the exam room, after they'd enjoy 'bear treats' or Teddy Grahams in the ultrasound room while they alternated between watching their cartoons or look at 'Baby Tatum on the tip-e-vee.' Once we left the OB's office we headed off to a playdate at Robison Park with my Meetup mom group to hear a local author read her newly published children's book, Duncan the Story Dragon and play on the playground and swings. Then it was home for our routine of lunch and nap. Then this momma began to start the cleaning and trying to nest, even though that instinct evaded me this pregnancy until about the last possible moment! I even made lasagna for dinner, RCWJr's favorite. Once we all ate dinner together, we headed outside to the driveway for RCWJr to install the new bench seat in the Tahoe and install W3's bucket seat. Nothing like waiting until the last possible moment for most things, poor third child. RCWJr had just purchased a used bench seat the night before after driving east of Lexington to pick it up. Once all 3 little carseats were installed, we put the boys in and took a short drive around the neighborhood to break in everyone's 'new' seats. Then it was bed for the boys and bed for me too.
Wednesday, July 1 was our last day as a family of 4. I had been having some emotions about it, per usual. I knew I didn't want to just sit at home all day and think about W3's arrival. RCWJr left later than usual for work and we found our boys had outsmarted us - we started taking the light bulb out of their lamp to keep their room dark and we found them this morning with their light turned on. C explained he found the white thing in the drawer and turned it around and around and turned on the switch. They're too smart for us and we're in trouble with a third one coming! Once the boys were up and ready, we headed off to a playdate with our Meetup group. We went to Creekside playground to make July 4th shirts, which was so silly since I knew the boys wouldn't wear them this year, but we needed an outing. We made shirts and then played with our friends on the playground until it was so hot and humid I couldn't stand being outside anymore, not to mention Creekside had 5 bus loads of 'big' kids from different camps roaming the playground and splash park. We took the long way home up the 'big steep hill' and over the 'big white bridge' and saw a deer eating lunch ('No, momma he isn't eating lunch he's eating grass' ~ thanks for clarifying C). We got home and had an early lunch while watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, of course. Then we did an random afternoon bath. They needed it and I didn't want to waste family time together at night. While C took his bleach bath, I recorded E saying his new favorite saying, "Arrr Shiver Me Timbers" which took me forever and some translation from C to know exactly what he was saying. Thanks to Jake and the Neverland Pirates and a pirate episode of Paw Patrol for that one! Once C was out of his bleach bath, I managed at 38 weeks pregnant to sit on the floor and get both boys soaped up and scrubbed down in our shower. It was the first bath I'd given in months, but we did it! Then it was lotion and fresh clothes and putting E down for nap. Then C asked to watch a Sheriff Callie (can you tell we love Disney Jr around here?!) and bribed him to make a video in which he declared wholeheartedly, "Baby Tatum is a boy baby" "The girl baby turned into a boy baby" "He will wear a blue hat and eat blue cake". Then C went down for nap and I started cleaning and folding laundry. RCWJr called randomly and said he was driving back to the office, it was a nice afternoon surprise call. But it was even nicer when I realized he was home and at the front door - thanks to an alert from Sonny! He had worked early mornings and had the hours so he was home for the day by 3pm. Which was awesome!! We got to hang out before the boys woke up from nap around 4pm. Then it was family time. Exactly what I'd been craving all day before we grew our family by 1 the next day. We did my 38 week belly picture and set up our last family of 4 (plus the pups and a cat) picture on the sofa. Then at RCWJr's insistence we headed out to the pool. I'll be honest, I wasn't totally on board with an afternoon in the pool, but it was just what we all needed. The water was great and it was the perfect family activity for the 4 of us. C and E splashed and played. C helped clean the pool of all the buggies with RCWJr. I got to lounge in my float and watch my boys while taking in the moment of us 4 and daydreaming of what would come the next day with W3. By 6:30pm, it was getting chilly so we headed inside to dry off and in perfect timing my parents arrived with Red Robin take out for dinner. The boys were excited to see grandma and grandpa and we all survived dinner together. After a later than usual bedtime start, we got in pjs, read books, took one last family selfie on RCWJr's phone and one last picture of a preggo momma holding her boys, then sang their lullaby song to the boys and said goodnight. Then I went into crazy nesting mode: explaining the boys schedule to my mom, fixing their lunch for Thursday, laying out outfits for the boys to wear to the hospital, packing a hospital bag and straightening up as best I could. Finally around 10:30pm, RCWJr and I fell onto the sofa to watch Big Brother and I ate some ice cream before we headed to bed. Where I barely slept with excitement and nerves until my alarm went off at 4:15 am on Thursday, July 2 - W3's birthday!
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My alarm went off and I got up and headed to the shower. I took way too long and when I got out it was already 4:45am. RCWJr was still waking up in bed and we needed to leave at 5am! I quickly put on my makeup for the day, dried my hair slightly and got dressed. RCWJr got up and ready much faster than I ever could. I realized the boys may need different shorts so I snuck in their room to grab shorts and give C and E one last kiss on their sleeping cheeks before we left the house a couple minutes after 5am. RCWJr stopped at McDonald's to grab a large coffee and McGriddle sandwich and we were off to the hospital, running a bit late for our 5:30am arrival and hitting almost every red light on the way. I was sure this was foreshadowing of a bad day as I was very anxious about the very soon c-section. I was much more aware this time around it was a surgery. I was nervous about the IV, being shaved around my incision site, getting the spinal and very anxious about getting nauseous from the spinal anesthesia. This running late and red light fiasco wasn't helping my nerves. We got to the hospital and I told RCWJr that during a preregistration phone call earlier in the week they'd told me to go to the West Entrance and go to Suite 108. As we drove in, I commented to RCWJr that I thought we needed to go to Labor and Delivery, where we had parked when we had E. He said lets go where they told you, so we did. We parked and I waddled inside, we found Suite 108 and told a nurse our last name. She couldn't find me quickly, so I said it was for a 7:30am c-section with Dr. N. She looked at me and said they didn't handle c-sections. Of course not. I told them we came to them based on what was told to us during preregistration and she apologized. She said we could walk over to L&D, but it was probably better to drive. By this point it was after 5:30am and my OCDness for being on time was in overdrive combined with pre-surgery anxiety. We got back to the Excursion, left the parking deck and headed to L&D where we parked when we had E. Like I had suggested moments before. (Told you so, babe.) We parked and headed in the front door and up the elevator to floor 3 L&D. We were able to check in quickly and were taken to the triage room. I peed first, and then it all went so fast. Perhaps because we arrived around 6am, not 5:30am. Luckily, no one seemed frazzled by our late arrival, perhaps because we were the first surgery of the day and no one else was in triage. I took one last bump picture and then got into the oh so glamorous hospital gown. A nurse and a student nurse came in to hook me up to all the monitors. They struggled a bit to get the heart rate monitor set on W3 around my belly, but finally got it. W3 was all over the place - and truly seemed in tune with me. If was laughing with RCWJr whether happy or nervous laughter, the heartbeat rocketed to 180s, when I was resting and calm the heartbeat stayed around the 150s. Another nurse came in, she actually helped get the monitor set for W3 by laying me back in the bed, then while one nurse was asking questions for my medical history, the other nurse put in the IV. Step one of my anxiety - she was awesome and while I didn't watch her doing it, I barely felt a thing. It was great and I thanked her so much for the painfree IV.
The room emptied out and it was just RCWJr and I for a bit. We chatted and hung out. A second OB came in to introduce herself and say she was there to help Dr. N. Someone came in to introduce herself as a doctor/nurse who would be there for W3. A nurse came in to register us and get our $1,000 deposit payment. The anesthesiologist came in to introduce himself and I spoke up about my concerns about getting sick based on my experiences with C and E. He said it was probably due to a blood pressure drop and he'd be mindful. I wasn't very content with his reaction to my concerns and worried I'd be throwing up while laying on the OR table, or like with the boys very ill. But before I could fret too much, a new nurse came in with the 7am shift change. Once she came in it was go time. She put my socks on my feet and calf compression sleeves on my legs. She gave RCWJr an extra large size jumpsuit to wear (that he could actually fit into unlike the one he squeezed into for E's delivery). Then Dr. N came in to say hello and that she'd be seeing us shortly! The nurse popped back in and told us we may be a bit delayed because there was a 26 week twin birth happening. I was worried about how delayed we could be, but there was no need. Not sure what happened, but the nurse came back in and shaved my incision - worry #2. I told her with E the nurse cut me and it hurt so bad, but this time she was great. No cuts and no pain. Worry #2 gone - woo hoo! All that was left was getting through the spinal and possible nausea. All of a sudden, the nurse was unplugging all the cords and helping me wrap a sheet around my backside and we were walking down the hallway to the OR. RCWJr snapped a final picture of me in all my glory and then he hung out in the hallway while I walked into the OR.
I remember describing how sterile it was with E and I took it all in again, but tried not to focus too much on the tools and what was going on. When I got in the OR I climbed up on the table and the radio was already on. With E, it had been silent, but Alan, the anesthesiologist was ready to go and the radio was on. I'm assuming he picked the station, but I don't know why I thought that. It was on the local pop Top 40 station - not what we listen to anymore. I tried listening to the songs, but when it was rap and pop singers I was lost. I think at one point Lorde played with The Royals, but I could've imagined another song sounded like that one that I knew!
Alan started my spinal pretty quickly once we were in the OR. The nurse stood in front of me to help me roll my shoulders forward and round my back. Alan explained in brief details what he was doing - cleaning the area, it would be cold, then a sharp bee sting of the numbing shot (and yes, it was very stingy) then I shouldn't feel anything except pressure and to let him know if the pressure went too far to the right or to the left. I don't know what happened, but at some point after the pressure started, but before it was over, Alan asked the nurse to help him and she left the front of me to open something for him and help him, then she was back and the pressure of the spinal was back. I don't know what happened, but I was left a very large round blue and purple bruise at the spinal injection site that made every single new nurse who gave me an assessment comment and made RCWJr do a double take - it never hurt, but that was new from this c-section. Maybe the nurse stepping around and a break in pressure caused the bruise, who knows?! The spinal was in place and they had me quickly lay down on the table because the spinal would take effect so fast. It didn't feel fast to me, but maybe it was. I felt like I could feel my legs for a long time and was actually worried I wasn't going to be numb fast enough! They put my arms out and hooked up my blood pressure cuff and other monitors. Alan was awesome and watched my blood pressure and VERY much to my surprise I never got sick. It was awesome and I was oh so happy that all my fears had been just that over heightened paranoias that were unfounded! Alan started clamping my stomach to make sure I was numb and I couldn't feel anything, which was odd because I would've sworn I could still feeling tingles in my feet and legs. But once that was done they put up the sheet to drape in front of me and Alan went to get RCWJr. They said things would start in 3 minutes.
I was so happy to see RCWJr because with E, it felt like they got him in the room at the last possible moment. Once RCWJr was in the room by my side I told him to watch because I thought things would go fast. I was wrong! We hit the OR by 7:35am, but W3 wasn't born until 8:11am. With E, we hit the OR around 1:30pm and he was born at 1:41pm. RCWJr had time for me tell him to listen to the radio to hear what song W3 was born to (he can't recall either since it was pop songs - we're old, sorry W3). Dr. N and her assistant OB, a male doctor different from the one who introduced herself to me in the triage, started to work. It felt like it took forever. The male doctor asked for a step stool. There was A LOT of pulling and tugging. It was a very different experience than the boys! The doctors were commenting on how big the baby was and how the baby didn't want to come out. RCWJr will say he thought the doctor was going to climb on top of me like a horse to get leverage to get W3 out. Much more pulling and tugging and wondering what the heck was going on and then W3 was out! At 8:11am! They had decided RCWJr would announce the gender and he said, "Oh my gosh, its a girl!!" I was in disbelief! I don't know what I said, if anything. RCWJr was over the moon seeing W3 was a girl though! He was so happy and proud! The nurse brought a very large covered in white film baby over sitting up in her hands to show me our little big girl and its probably best she gave me a good look to see it was in fact a girl! I was definitely surprised! I had told myself W3 would be a girl, but in my heart I really thought we only made boys with all our fertility struggles. They weighted T and announced 10 pounds 15 ounces which made the whole OR comment and laugh! And again I was in shock over having such a chunky babe. RCWJr left my side to take pictures.
By 8:20 am the nurse had swaddled her up, put a little pink bow hat on her head and brought her over to me where I looked at sweet T still in disbelief I had a daughter. I kissed her cheek and felt her sweet chubby cheek against mine and then RCWJr held his little girl. Dr. N was telling me there was no need to tie my tubes - my scar tissue was fine and while my uterus wall was a bit thin it could've just been from this one pregnancy so we were given the green light to have a 4th c-section and left the door open for a W4. They stitched me up, unhooked the monitors and then the always fun ride of moving from the OR table to the recovery bed happened. That part isn't painful, but I always feel like I'm going fall and feel bad for being so big! But I was successfully put on the bed and T was placed on my chest for me to finally hold.
By 8:52am we were in the recovery room snuggling our sweet girl. It was also in recovery that I stopped being in shock and disbelief over T being a girl and began falling madly in love with her! Just like with E, we didn't do much in recovery besides stare at T and each other and this new little person we had created and been blessed with. God is oh so good! We did finally decide on her middle name in recovery - the options were Catherine or Caroline, ultimately we both felt she was Tatum Caroline. I didn't have many side effects, my face was a bit itchy, but not in one place like with E where just my nose itched and it wasn't bad. I wasn't cold like with C and I never felt sick. The nurse came in and checked my blood pressure and temperature and left us to bond and fawn over T. Eventually we tried nursing a little bit and T seemed to latch, but was being a lazy eater. Then we were told we could go to our post partum room. They snuggled T on my chest and we were off down the halls and on the elevator all the while random passersby offered their congratulations. It was during this ride that I did finally feel some nausea. It was pretty bad by the time we reached our post partum room.
We landed in room 380 and I was feeling ill. RCWJr was trying to get our photographer Sarah in the room, but she was stuck in the waiting area and nurses began moving fast. A nurse took T to do her assessment. Our L&D nurse, post partum nurse and my darling husband helped move me from the recovery bed to the post partum bed. At least I knew RCWJr could lift me and I didn't worry as much about that bed move! Per RCWJr's pictures at 10:03am the nurse was checking out T and another nurse was checking out me. I was asking for anti-nausea meds because I was feeling rough - hot and oh so sick. Sarah still wasn't in the room and so RCWJr was taking pictures of the nurse doing T's official feet stamps and getting them on our little canvas. By 10:15am, RCWJr was cutting T's cord shorter and the nurse was nice enough to take pictures for us. Around this time, Sarah was able to get into our room. She started snapping pictures, but none of T's first bath. Apparently rules changed and she wouldn't have a bath until her sugars were tested and stable. They said research had shown the bath calmed the baby and they wanted the baby awake and eating and active in the first few hours of birth and not calm and sleeping, which makes sense, but no cute professional bath pictures with T like we had with C and E. Before the boys could come in they tested T's sugar level which was expected due to her size - the boys both had sugar levels tested at their respective almost 9 pound weights. T's came back at 45 which is the threshold line. They want sugars over 45. This meant we'd be checking her sugars via heel prick for 2 more feedings to see if her levels went up. After they checked her levels, they asked if I was ready to nurse. I said yes, but it wasn't going well. T would latch, but fall off. Much like what happened in recovery. I knew the boys were waiting to meet T in the waiting room with my parents and I was worried T wasn't getting any food from nursing. Another nurse came in and tried to help me nurse again. Sarah was taking pictures. RCWJr was standing by being supportive feeding me ice chips because I felt so hot and sick. Finally, it seemed like we were stopping the nursing frenzy and we'd finally get the boys in the room. But then T started rooting from skin to skin on my chest and the nurse pushed me to nurse again. And I lost it. I was hot. I was nauseous. I was frustrated by all the forced nursing. And I lost it and started bawling. I was so upset and felt so pressured by the nurses to breastfeed and feeling like a failure that T wasn't latching and staying on and worried I wasn't providing for her. In hindsight I should've known - I was not committed to nursing the third time around.
After my breakdown, the nurses left and I had a moment to compose myself and RCWJr went to get the boys. Sarah took pictures of the boys meeting T, which went over so well! C wasn't upset at all that T was a girl, even though we all kinda had hoped for a great viral video of an upset big brother! Then my parents came in to meet their new granddaughter. We took family pictures and Sarah left a little before noon. Before the boys left for lunch, we took the announcement picture of me holding the boys in my lap and them holding T wearing their Big Brother and Little Sister stickers. We also let C hold T as he was so in love with 'his baby'. E watched and hung out on the sidelines. Then the boys left for lunch and naps and we had a quiet room with just RCWJr, T and me.
We did have nurses coming in and out. RCWJr grabbed lunch in the cafeteria. I tried nursing what seemed like all afternoon with not much ease. And we kept having sugar levels tested and they only continued to be a roller coaster. By 5pm, the levels had dropped into the 30's and I was done. I felt like such a failure to T. I knew I wasn't producing enough for her and it was causing her sugars to stay low. I was done. Done trying and done nursing. I was ready for my sweet girl to get the nutrients she needed and for her to have good sugar levels. I told the nurse I wanted formula. They didn't give in right away, but after checking with our pediatrician they agreed it was best for T. So we started supplementing and T enjoyed her first bottle right away. The nurses continued to tell me to nurse, they brought in a pump, but I was done. RCWJr agreed and we made a semi-final decision that we were going to be formula bottle feeders from here on out to get T the food she needed and get her sugar levels up. I felt such relief.
In a twist, the boys took super long naps on T's birthday! Of course. We wanted them to come back up to the hospital, but they didn't arrive until around 7pm. They brought us dinner - take out from El Nopal (nom nom nom) and brought pink and blue cupcakes from Gigi's to celebrate T's birthday. I didn't do Big Brother gifts, but all along I knew we'd have cupcakes to celebrate T's birth day since C was adamant about T have pink cake for a girl or blue cake for a boy and he and E would have blue cake since they're boys. The boys sang Happy Birthday to T and we all ate gender appropriate cupcakes to celebrate T! The boys held and snuggled on T for a bit more and then left around 7:45pm to head home for the night.
RCWJr and I dug into our Mexican dinner and watched Big Brother in our room. Through it all every 2 hours we tried feeding T and testing her sugars. When the new nurse started around 7pm, she told me later that night she'd be removing my catheter and getting me up and walking. At 8:30ish, she got me out of bed and took me to the bathroom and removed the catheter. I was worried this would hurt too - so sidenote if there is a 4th c-section - it didn't hurt at all! She told me to take a deep breathe and breath out and during my exhale she pulled it out and no pain whatsoever. Then she told me I needed to pee on my own within the next 3 hours or she'd have to put the catheter back in. That was not happening so I was drinking water to make sure I went! And I did around 10ish - thank goodness. I was relieved to be up and walking and going to the bathroom on my own. All about 12 hours post birth - not too shabby.
Now that I was up and about, it was time to focus on T and her sugars. They were still a roller coaster, with nothing getting higher than the 50s. A nurse said since she was being bottle fed they could take her to the nursery for overnight. We both agreed! They took T late Thursday night to the nursery and we were excited to get some sleep. RCWJr slept soundly on the sofa bed and nurses came in out and checking on me and my vitals. Around 2am, a doctor came in to tell me that T wasn't doing ok. Her sugars were not stabilizing despite getting formula and after her last 2 hour feeding she was jittery from her sugars being so low. They had called our pediatrician Dr. B and it was agreed T should go up to the 4th floor NICU to get on an IV of sugar water and stabilize her sugars. The doctor said she was just letting me know, that they'd take good care of T and we should come up the 4th floor around 6-7am the next morning to feed T. I thanked her and went back to sleep. RCWJr slept through that and at some point earlier the next morning when we were both awake I told him what had happened.
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We woke up after 6am, but headed up the NICU. We learned we had to check out of our floor and made our way up to the NICU where we had to sign in and RCWJr had to have his temperature taken to get into the NICU and we were let through big automatic locked doors and found a hand washing station and then went in to find our girl. She was in Green 32. It was bright and shiny and not a sad depressing place. But it was still the NICU with babies in incubators and mommas holding littles and babies - our baby hooked up to an IV.
I don't know if it was because it was 2am after giving birth via c-section or I'm just naive, but I didn't fully comprehend what was happening when I was told T was going to the NICU. For some reason, I thought she was just going to be up there for a couple hours. That she'd be on a IV and then in the morning come back to our room.
Once we got up to her, a nurse came over and explained that she could be in NICU for 2 to 5 days. That I may be discharged without her! She talked about Ronald McDonald House rooms for parents. She talked about her IV and weaning her off of it and what if the IV didn't stablize her sugars. It was all a bit surreal. For any parents who had have NICU babies, I admire your strength. T was only in the NICU for about 37 hours from 2am Friday morning until 3pm Saturday afternoon, but it was overwhelming and scary. It wasn't a place I ever imagined we'd be, nor a place I ever want to go back to. Many hugs and blessings for parents who have babes in the NICU for extended stays, my heart goes out to you.
The jest of T's NICU stay was this: her sugar levels were low. The NICU nurse guesses that due to her size perhaps I had a touch of gestational diabetes even though I passed my 1 hour glucose test (I only passed by 2 points with 128 - if I'd gotten 130 I would've needed the 3 hour test). Because of T's size at almost 11 pounds coming out of me and being sustained by my sugars and insulin (which if my carb and sweet cravings were any indication were pretty high combined with my PCOS issues) she just wasn't able to stabilize on her own. They hooked her up to an IV of sugar water to raise her insulin levels in her liver. The hope was once her insulin levels were up via the IV and she was taking regular 3 hour feedings her sugar levels would stabilize. Once we had 3 readings well over 45, the NICU pediatrician would set parameters to begin weaning her off the IV. For example, if her sugar level was over 50 they could drop the IV by 1; if her sugar level was over 60 they could drop the IV by 2 and so on. Once she was weaned off the IV completely, she'd need to be monitored in the NICU for 24 hours before being discharged. If for some reason she was in NICU for 5 days without her sugar levels stabilizing they would start to look for other reasons she was having issues. The pediatrician and nurses all were very reassuring that they fully believed her issues were due to her size and nothing more serious though.
So Friday morning by 8am we were with T in the NICU. We were able to snuggle her and hold her despite her being hooked up the IV and oxygen, heart and who knows what else monitors. The nurse had planned on bathing her - her first! - but instead we opted to try her hearing test. I was anxious to know she passed this after last September a friend's little girl did not and it turned out to be CMV. T passed the right side, but not her left. She failed by a tiny bit and the technician assured us it was probably from fluid in her ear from a c-section birth or ambient noise in the NICU and her not being soundly asleep. Once the hearing test was done, it was 9am and time for her feeding. RCWJr fed her. I was hesitant around all the wires and cords - it was overwhelming for me to see T hooked up to everything and I was anxious I would hurt her or break something. RCWJr was much better and before she even left the NICU he knew how to pick her up from her bassinet, unhook the proper wires and put everything back together again. He is such an amazing husband and father. When I falter, he steps in. He's the rock of our family and I'm so blessed by him, as are C, E and T. I was worried about leaving her in the NICU, not bonding and just our little newborn being left alone in her bassinet not being loved on, but RCWJr stepped up. He made sure that when I needed my post partum care he was upstairs with T. He made sure she was being fed by us for every feeding except overnight on Friday night/Saturday morning when the nurses encouraged us to both sleep and let them tend to T, but he was upstairs with her bright and early at 6am Saturday morning for that first morning feeding. I can't give RCWJr enough praise for his strength and love and taking care of his girls. He was there for me and for T at every moment of our stay in the hospital.
After we fed her, we went down to see the nurses for me. I was told I needed to shower that day and remove the large bandage from my incision. That was my only must do item for Friday. We headed down for RCWJr to grab some lunch since he missed breakfast and we met up with a friend then headed back to the NICU by 11:45am for T's first bath and 12 feeding. We captured her bath with a couple pictures and let our friend hold her and snuggle on her. It was nice having her with us and chatting with her while RCWJr fed T her lunch. Once T was sleeping we headed back downstairs to say goodbye to our friend and for me to finally take a shower. I stayed downstairs showering and being checked out by the nurses while RCWJr did T's 3pm feeding. After I was checked out, I headed back to the NICU and snuggled on T and stayed for her 6pm feeding. The boys and my parents came to visit for dinner - the boys weren't allowed in the NICU (C could have gone as he is 3, but we didn't want them to). C kept asking about Baby Tatum and we just told him she was with doctors. Luckily he was too little to ask too many questions and hanging out in mommy's hospital bed watching Lightening McQueen on the TV was a special treat! My parents visited T in the NICU while we hung out with the boys in our room. They left and we went back up for her 9pm feeding. Her sugars had been doing great and parameters had been set and it seemed as if she'd be able to start weaning off the IV overnight! Woo hoo!!
After we said goodnight to T, we came downstairs and went to bed ourselves. The empty feeling of being in a post partum room without your baby is sad and depressing. It felt so purposeless being there without her. Again, I don't know how some parents do it when their littles are in critical care in the NICU for extended stays. We slept Friday night and RCWJr headed up bright and early at 6am for her first morning feeding. She'd been successfully weaning off the IV overnight and was doing great! He came back down after feeding her to tell me the good news and then after some breakfast we both went up to see T and hang out. After her 9am feeding she was totally off the IV!!! While our stay was very quick and uneventful and ultimately easy in the NICU; it didn't feel like that in the moment. It felt like days. Looking back and telling friends and family about what was going on, I can't believe it was just a mere 37 hours. It felt like so much longer we were without our girl.
The NICU pediatrician said she felt comfortable after a couple high sugar level readings to let T finish her 24 hour monitor back with us in post partum care! We were so excited to get her back!! The pediatrician said all they'd be doing was checking her sugar levels and they could do that outside of the NICU. She had a successful noon feeding by my mom and dad (we hung out and had lunch with the boys in our room) and when RCWJr went up for her 3pm feeding (by this point I was on a pretty steady dose of 2 percocets every 4 hours for the abdominal pain of the rough c-section delivery and taking the percocets made me extremely tired - as in passing out within 30-45 minutes of taking them) he came back relatively quickly to announce T was on her way to our room!
Within ten minutes we heard a knock and there in her pink blanket in a regular post partum bassinet bucket was our girl. It was pure joy having her back with us again! We dressed her up in a cute elephant onesie from our friend, put a pink bow on her head and sent pictures to family and friends announcing we had our NICU grad back with us! We had to check her sugar levels 3 times before that was done and she passed with levels in the high 60s each time. The boys came back up to see us Saturday night and were so excited to see Baby Tatum back in the room and to hold and cuddle her! It was so sweet to see them so happy to see her again! They hung out for a bit and we took a sibling July 4 picture in their coordinating outfits - because of course I had to! First sibling holiday! Then the boys went to dinner with my parents. My parents brought us back takeout from Longhorn's for our dinner which we ate while watching a movie with T by our side. Exactly how your post partum hospital stay should be! After her 9pm feeding, RCWJr went to sleep and I happily took overnight duties for the 12am and 3am feeding while RCWJr woke up for her 6am one.
Sunday morning was a whirlwind. T had to have her left ear retested - she passed! We had to have our Bella Baby newborn pictures taken and coordinated when the boys were with us too. T had to see the on call pediatrician to be discharged. I had to see the on call OB to be discharged. We had to fill out paperwork. And have my parents drop the boys off at the hospital so we could leave as a family of 5 (which wasn't very well documented because we broke our DSLR mere moments before leaving while trying to get the boys to behave). And finally around 2:00pm on Sunday we were walking out of Norton Suburban with our sweet boys and precious little girl to head home as a family of 5.
It was a crazy few days that seemed to go on longer than just a usual 24 hours, but the end result of having little Miss T with us is priceless. We are so blessed to have her. To have her healthy. To be able to go home all together. And that is T's birth story and then some to have all the moments written down, most of my feelings shared and to look back on for years to come and share with our sweet girl one day.
****
This was written on July 9, one week after T's birthday. While she slept and fed next to me on our bed as I listened to the boys playing in the living room with my parents and going in and out the front door to play outside. I didn't reread and edit for typos. Maybe one day, but for now I'm going to feed T and snuggle this precious one week old.
Showing posts with label doctor appt.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label doctor appt.. Show all posts
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Friday, December 6, 2013
PSA: If you little has eczema, read this!
But today, I wanted to post about something I wish I had known about as a momma to a little guy with eczema. As my title implies, consider it a PSA of sorts. Read and research for yourself, consult your ped, but just be aware. Something I wish I had been. Or maybe you guys all know about this and I was just the uneducated momma!
My parents visited from VA over Thanksgiving. Once my mom arrived Wednesday afternoon she essentially took over care of C and E. She thrives on helping and loving on them and loving on me by taking over. She diapers, baths, dressing, feds, cleaning up; it was all done by my mom from Wednesday afternoon until she left Monday morning. And through all of that obviously lots of hugs, kisses, cuddling and loving was going on too. Throughout it all my mom kept mentioning that C's eczema was really flaring up and she was putting his Rx cream on it to help, but it was really bad. A couple days in the middle of all that C even ran a low grade fever. He was waking up at night and overall just wasn't feeling great. But he'd been out and about to the Kentucky Science Center, a Christmas parade, a big Christmas event at a downtown hotel and out to eat at a couple different restaurants. We figured he'd gotten a cold. He had a runny nose. Tis the season. Even on Sunday afternoon while RCW and I enjoyed lunch out together and kid free after church, a topic of conversation was C's eczema. What could be causing the flare up? Had he eaten anything new? Was it the new dryer sheets? What could it be?
Sunday night we came home for dinner and C was losing it. He wouldn't let my mom touch him, she said he'd been hiding from her behind the laundry room door and just screaming. He let me pick him up and comfort him and as I was sitting him down in his chair for dinner I saw his hands. Red spots. OMG. I flipped over his hand. Red spots on his palms. OMG - Hand, foot and mouth - again! The hand spots combined with the fact that he refused food at dinner Sunday night, I just knew it was HFM. I had seen his feet and ankles and thought it didn't look like just eczema. I should've known. Momma fail.
We got through the night, with me feeling horrible for not realizing it sooner and just going with the reasoning of his eczema was flaring up. Momma guilt to the max for me. I had failed at my job.
Monday morning I called our pediatrician and told them I thought my 21 month old had HFM. Their earliest sick appointment was 11:30am.
I snapped this picture of C sitting on the doctor's table Monday morning. You can see the rash/spots/whatever all over his feet, ankles, inner thighs and behind his knees. He also had it on his hands, elbows, on his cheeks and lips a bit and some spots on his back and belly. His legs and elbows were the absolute worst!
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Here is a picture of C from this morning - 5 days into treatment. You can see the difference and that his spots are clearing up. He's eating everything again and for the most part acting crazy like a 21 month old should!
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And just because I'll finish up the story. Our ped checked out E while we were there too because he had been running a fever hovering around 100. E doesn't have eczema so he didn't have this, but maybe it was the start of something else. And yup, poor E has strep throat. Its been a quiet quarantined week for us! I don't want to go out until its warm again. Thank goodness Grandma felt so bad and sent balloons to the boys to say sorry and we've had them to keep us all entertained!
*Yes, apparently C is always eating and sporting wet Pull Ups!
Sunday, November 10, 2013
The Story of Our June Baby
Disclaimer: Writing is cathartic for me. Writing is a way for me to
share my feelings, my emotions and to remember tiny details that matter
to no one but me. I've always been brutally honest on my blog. Please
keep that in mind if you choose to read this. There are some
semi-graphic details. But if you've been a reader, you know I shared
images of C and E being pulled from my belly during a c-section.
Nothing I've written is that graphic in a medical sense, but perhaps
graphic in an emotional sense. I have posts that I wrote along the way
with this pregnancy. Posts that I thought I would share when we publicly
announced we were expecting Baby W3. But those posts don't seem right
to post anymore. Those posts, like with previous stories from C and E,
were meant for Baby W3 to read to know her story. Instead, I've written
a letter of sorts to Baby W3. To me. To you. To whomever reads
this. It shares the highs and the lows from the very beginning to the
very end. It's long, because if you've read my blog you already know
brevity isn't my strong suit!
*****
Dear Baby W3,
Where to even begin? I honestly don't know. Since I was pregnant with E, I was talking about you. Once we had E, I was waiting for my first post partum cycle. I was hoping and praying I had been magically healed and we'd get pregnant on our own. I was taking ovulation tests over the summer. I was talking to RCW (your daddy) about when we should visit our fertility doctors. We were trying. We were trying to make you. Unfortunately, despite 2 successful pregnancies and 2 healthy babies, I was not cured. We weren't going to be one of those couples this time. We were going to need medical help again. We wanted you. So badly.
In mid to late August we waited. We waited and we waited for my next cycle to start. The cycle that was going to be YOUR cycle. The cycle that we would call the doctors to get the ball rolling. We waited. 28 days passed. 30 days passed. 35 days passed. I even peed on a stick to see if we'd gotten lucky on our own. Nope. We started talking about calling the doctor to take medicine to start my cycle. We waivered. We thought maybe NOT getting my cycle was a sign. Maybe we weren't suppose to try for you. We started to have doubts. Were we being selfish to try for another baby when we already had C and E? Could we handle 3 under 3? We went back and forth with pros and cons for a good week. I prayed to God. I prayed for an answer, for a sign. We didn't know what to do.
Then on September 3, RCW's birthday, my cycle came. On its own. This was it. I truly believed it was the sign I had been praying for. I mean on RCW's birthday after a good 40+ days?! I excitedly called RCW at work and told him and asked, "Do I call our RE?" He said, "Yes!". The next day I was en route to Cincinnati with C and E in tow for a baseline ultrasound. Let me tell you, walking into a fertility clinic with 2 under 2 is probably one of the most awkward First World problems there is! I didn't get to see our beloved Dr. S, but his partner, Dr. B. I took this as a bad sign from the get go. We ALWAYS saw Dr. S. Dr. S got us C and E. Dr. B. said things looked good to proceed and started me on the meds, Gonal - F injections and oral Femara.
For my next appointment, I did see Dr. S. And I left C and E at home for the morning with RCW. He took a morning off of work to stay home with them. C was not a fan of the lights being turned off and his momma having an ultrasound. Bubbles Guppies on the iPad couldn't even drown out his cries. So they stayed home. Dr. S confirmed that I was not responding to the meds as well this cycle. He increased my doses. He pushed dates back for insemination. I had to order more Gonal-F. I felt like a failure that my body was just not working, not even with crazy amounts of hormones.
We all got in the car bright and early around 6:30am on Wednesday, September 18 and drove to Cincinnati. While I fed breakfast to C and E, did diaper changers and switched them from pjs into play clothes, RCW did his part. Afterwards, we took C and E to a playground to get some energy out. C fell, bumped his forehead and got a massive goose egg on his head. It was so bad we Googled concussions, put an ice pack from E's bottle cooler on it and discussed taking him to an ER in Cincinnati. Could anything go right?! Ultimately, we didn't take him to a doctor, we all went into the fertility clinic for my 10:30am IUI. And it wasn't with Dr. S. But with Dr. B.
I started the dreaded two week wait. I looked for implantation bleeding. I overanalyzed every little thing. Did I feel sick? Was I tired? Did my boobs hurt? Was I warmer than usual? Was my nose running? Every little thing. The weekend before the 2 weeks was up, I almost tested a handful of times, but ultimately held out. I told myself I would test at 12 days past IUI, when I had tested positive with C, even though I had tested positive with E at 11 days past IUI. But I held out and waited. On Monday, September 30, RCW's first day of his new job, I waited to send him off to work and then I peed in a cup and dipped the test stick in it and waited. Not Pregnant. I knew it. I had a feeling it wouldn't work. Things just had not lined up this cycle. I was heartbroken. I felt like a failure again. I let RCW know. It was a sad day. I waited for my cycle to start and wondered what we would do next.
But Baby W3, you had other plans. Just to be safe, so I could call the RE's office 2 weeks from the IUI, I tested again on Wednesday, October 2. 14 days from IUI. I had a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, Monday's test was a false negative. Maybe I had implanted late. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. And within seconds, that test flashed PREGNANT! Oh the joy! The shock! The elation! I was over the moon! We were going to have a baby! A June baby! We were going to be those crazy people with 3 littles under 3! OMG! I was so so so happy. In that moment, I knew how desperately I wanted you. Why did I ever have doubts?!
I began to plan how to tell RCW the news. I took some pictures. A full crib. It was an inside joke. I literally put all 3 huskies, 2 babies and myself in C's crib. Snapped a picture and got it ready to show RCW when he arrived home that night. Then I called my RE's office and got lab work requests sent to my OB in town to have my beta level drawn. I got to my OB's at 11am that morning for blood work. I didn't get the beta results that day, but that night when RCW came home, I told him to scroll through some pictures on my phone from the day. There was a series of messages telling him he was right (he held out hope and always said we would be pregnant), that we would need a bigger crib, then there was the picture of all of us in the crib and the final picture was a message showing our estimated due date, June 10, 2014. He was so excited! Just like me from that morning. We hugged, kissed and started thinking about you, Baby W3.
The next day, a nurse called with my beta numbers. 33.4. Super low. To be pregnant, I needed to get 25 or above. I did that, just barely. The OB's nurse was hopeful. The RE's nurse who called later to share the same news was not. She'd been there before with too many others. She was realistic, "Yes, you are pregnant. For now. Its a very low number. Go test again in a week." I was upset. The beta was so so so low. RCW, ever optimistic, told me what I held onto deep in my heart, Baby W3 was a girl. You implanted late like many scientific studies suggest occur with girls and not boys. That's why I had a negative test first and then a positive and its why the beta was so low. Our little girl was here, but just fashionably late. We held onto that thought for the next week. All the while, symptoms progressed. Exhaustion, nausea. I became a furnace. We still talked about our June baby and when we would tell people and how we would share the news.
The following week, on October 9, I went back to my OB and had blood drawn again. This time I didn't wait a day. I pestered the nurses at both my OB and RE's offices to get same day results. My beta was 949.9! I had a doubling time of 36 hours! It was a great number and both nurses were very pleased! This was it, we were pregnant with Baby W3! I scheduled our first ultrasound for October 24 at 7 weeks, 2 days.
Over the next 2 weeks, my symptoms persisted, strongly! I was so tired ALL day long. I had waves of nausea hit first thing when I woke up, randomly throughout the day and when I went to bed. I was STARVING and eating all the chocolate I could find. My face was breaking out. My boobs got bigger. My already poochy belly from having had 2 babies in 2 years started to poke out and my stretch marks started to get shiny again. Seriously. And I was a moody witch. Poor RCW. It was so bad that a dear friend, Auntie S, in the middle of a texting therapy session one day asked semi jokingly if I was pregnant and I couldn't lie to her. I told her yes. She was the first person to know. With all of this, we continued to believe you were a girl. The symptoms were so different from the boys. You were causing drama already little girl! Over those 2 weeks, we talked about looking for bigger houses next fall, getting pink things, would we try for Baby W4, and names. Although to be fair, we always have names ready because we're crazy like that. We knew you were either going to be TCW or HCW, whether you were the girl we thought you would be or a little boy. We talked about how I would handle taking 3 under 3 out shopping. We talked about driving back to Virginia with 3 babies. We talked about plans for having you on most likely June 3 with a planned c-section. We started taking weekly bump pictures at 6 weeks to document your growth. We were so incredibly happy and excited to have you!
As October 24 approached, some nerves crept in. I knew there was a possibility that something could be wrong. There is always a possibility. But I pushed it away. RCW didn't worry at all. So much so, we decided he shouldn't take time off of his new job to attend the ultrasound. He'd come when we had our first appointment with our OB locally instead of taking half a day off to drive to Northern Kentucky to our RE's satellite office. He was that confident.
So on October 24, I spent the morning at home playing with C and E. I fed them lunch and then at 1:30pm we piled in the car and drove to Florence, Kentucky. I loaded C and E into the double stroller, in snow flurries, and went into the office. I was put into an exam room. I got C settled with a snack and Bubble Guppies on the iPad. I got E settled with Sophie in the stroller and I undressed from the waist down and hopped onto the exam table. My beloved Dr. S came in. We did the scan. Immediately, I looked for 2 babies. There was just 1. But then within seconds, I knew something didn't look right. I didn't see anything flickering like with C and E's first scans. I didn't see a heartbeat. C was screaming, which lead to E screaming. Dr. S. finished looking and printing pictures, told me to get dressed and the boys settled and he'd come back to discuss things. Once we were settled, he told me what I knew. He didn't see a heartbeat. He also told me I had a subchorionic hemorrhage, a tear where the placenta had torn away from the uterus wall. I told him I was fairly certain I had implanted late. He reassured me that perhaps I wasn't as far along as we thought then. He reviewed the betas in my chart and said that yes, if I was only 6 weeks along it wasn't an issue that we didn't see a heartbeat. He told me to expect to bleed due to the tear and to come back in 2 weeks for a second scan and sent me on my way.
As I pushed C and E out to the car and loaded them up, I became anxious. My fears had been confirmed. There wasn't a heartbeat. I immediately tried calling RCW, but he was working in the field. I couldn't find him. I cried. I was heartbroken. There was not going to be a June baby. I knew this cycle was crap. RCW finally called and remained my loving, optimistic husband. I remained the anxious, worry wart, realistic Stephanie I have always been and I bawled my eyes out on the almost 2 hour drive home. It was over. Everything we had hoped and prayed for and wanted was gone just like that. Then I was angry. I was angry at myself for pushing to try, I was angry at my body for sucking and not working, I was angry at God because why did He let us get pregnant only to take it away? Why did He put me, us, through this roller coaster of no, yes, maybe, yes, maybe. What was He trying to teach? By the time we got home, I was numb. I wanted to forget I was pregnant, I wanted to pretend it wasn't true. I didn't want to think about anything else until our next ultrasound on November 7.
Another two week wait. Every time I went to the bathroom I was anxious. Would I see blood? Were my symptoms getting better, or worse? What was happening? The tears came in waves. I'd be fine, but then I'd put E down for a nap and see my sleeping baby boy and I'd lose it. I'd kneel and pray and cry. I begged and pleaded many times over the next 2 weeks with God to please please please save you, Baby W3. Then I would pray for peace, for strength, for His love to get me through this. Between October 24 and November 6, I processed and accepted that more than likely we would not be bringing home a baby in June. I had set my mind to the fact that we would all go, including RCW this time, to the appointment on November 7, not see a heartbeat and Dr. S would prescribe some meds to induce labor and miscarry at home. I had planned to have our 2013 Christmas card pictures taken at home at 9am Saturday, November 9 and then by 10am I would have popped the pills and started the cycle of a drug induced miscarriage. This was my reality. I would rather be heartbroken now with only a small glimmer of hope for something different than to live like things were great and go through heartbreak all over again come our next appointment. RCW didn't function like that. From the get go, he maintained we had 3 littles. He never gave up, he never let go of hope, he believed his baby girl would make it and prove her momma wrong. Unfortunately, because of that mentality things hit him a bit harder than me when it occurred.
Because we did lose you, Baby W3. You are no longer with us. But it wasn't due to medicine. No, my body finally did something right. Ironic, isn't it? After spotting for a few days, which I now assume was the tear bleeding out, I took it easy ALL day Wednesday, November 6. I didn't bleed all day long. I was amazed. I even began to think maybe, just maybe, things would be ok. C took an extra long nap that day. Before I went to get him up at 5pm, I went to the bathroom. And it had started. I was bleeding heavily. I wasn't cramping or hurting, but I knew it was beginning. I got C up, I called RCW and asked when he would be home and I started to cook dinner. By 5:30pm, I was in pain. But RCW wasn't home yet and now E was up too. I had 2 babies and dinner on the stove cooking. I couldn't crawl into a ball in bed and hide under the covers. I kept frequenting the bathroom, bleeding and passing clots. I kept locking C out which elicited tears and knocks on the door because he is never locked out of the bathroom from me. But he didn't need to see what I was seeing. E played happily on the living room floor all the while. RCW finally arrived home and told me to go to bed. But I didn't. I had to eat. And it wasn't fair to burden him with feeding both boys dinner. I was going to be cramping and in pain whether I was laying in bed or sitting at the dinner table eating with my family. I chose to eat and have our regularly scheduled family dinner. The night went on as usual, dinner, clean up, playing in the living room, pjs and bed. We cut a few corners that night such as bath and books and bedtime came a bit quicker than usual. During it all I was having pretty severe contraction like cramps and running to the bathroom every so often.
Once the boys were down for the night, I didn't know what had passed or hadn't. I knew our doctor would ask if we saw you, Baby W3, pass. I kept looking, but couldn't distinguish anything. RCW and I cuddled up on the sofa while I sat on a towel, a chuck pad that I had left over from E's c-section and we watched New Girl on DVR. It was a hilarious episode, as most are. But this one was funny! So here's the thing with what I experienced losing you. The sensation of something falling out of you, ie: all the clots, is not a fun experience for me. I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all. And everytime I coughed, laughed or sneezed more would fall out. As RCW and I sat watching New Girl to keep us laughing and not too focused on what was happening, RCW made me laugh. He mocked a scene in the show and made me laugh hard. And then I flinched and said, "Oh crap! More just fell out of me because you made me laugh!" He paused the show, helped me gather all my towels around myself so I wouldn't leak on the floor and I waddled off to the bathroom.
As I sat down and pulled down my pants, I saw you. You had fallen out of me during that big belly laugh caused by your daddy. You left us at 9 weeks, 1 day on Wednesday, November 6 around 8:30pm. I LOST it. I wasn't laughing anymore, I was crying as hard as I've ever cried before. It was over. It was really, truly, no doubt about it, over. You were gone. Our Baby W3 was gone. RCW heard me crying and came down the hallway. I hadn't wanted him to see you, but I couldn't move. I was just sitting there, hands over my face weeping for you, for me, for him. Time seemed to stand still. As soon as RCW came into the bathroom, he lost it. And hearing your daddy cry real guttural tears. Sigh. It just made me cry that much harder. He leaned over and held me and we cried together. We didn't speak. I don't know what he was thinking. Heck, I'm not even sure I know what I was thinking. We were grieving for you, our June baby. Its a moment I will never forget and it was a moment that brought RCW and I together, stronger, more connected. Babies do that. Losing your baby together does that too. Eventually, RCW went into action. He helped me take off my pants and he folded things up and helped me clean up. As he was moving you, I made myself speak. I didn't know what he was going to do with you, but I knew I wanted to take you to the doctor tomorrow to inquire about running genetic testing to see if we could figure out why we lost you. I simply stated in a whisper, "Maybe we should take it with us tomorrow." RCW didn't say a word, he just continued to hide you from our sight and tucked you away for safe keeping in the bathroom.
We didn't finish New Girl that night. We silently got ready for bed and turned off the lights and we both cried some more while holding each other. We said I love you and each eventually went to sleep at some point. We were together, but I knew RCW was shutting down. He needed to process. He needed to mourn on his own. He needed to not talk. And for once, I didn't push him.
The next morning, Thursday, November 7, we tried to go about as usual. I was sad. But I had a strange sense of relief. The limbo of the past few weeks of not knowing anything for sure, of going back and forth, had taken its toll on me and now I knew. I was sad and I cried and I wanted you back. But it was time to mourn now. There were no more questions. I knew the facts, finally. I didn't like them, but I had relief that I knew them. I texted and emailed some close momma friends to share the news. I posted a Facebook status asking for prayers for us and sharing the verse that always gets me through our infertility journey, "For I know the plans I have for you," declared the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and future." Jeremiah 29:11. I emailed our parents and siblings. I made bottles, made breakfast and took care of C and E. I was still cramping and passing clots, but I had to be a momma to C and E. They left very little time for me to wallow in self pity! After lunch, I packed us all up in the car and after a pit stop at Three Dog Bakery to get pill pockets for Dallas, we went to pick up RCW from work. It was time to head to our appointment.
Traffic was horrible. We were 30 minutes late after getting off the interstate and taking back roads to get around the huge construction backup on 71. We finally arrived and I told the nurse we had lost you. We got settled in our exam room and Dr. S came in. He greeted us, gave us his condolences and then he got to work. In a painful and unexpected twist, he helped the final stages of the miscarriage along by cleaning me out. It was more painful than either c-section and I was so thankful RCW decided to still attend so he was able to keep C and E occupied. In hindsight, I'm glad he did it as I think I would have continued to be cramping and hurting for a couple more days if he hadn't. But it was a physically painful experience, especially considering I wasn't anticipating it! After he cleaned my cervix, he performed an ultrasound to check everything out. He medically confirmed what we already knew, we had lost you. But medically, things looked right. That was a silver lining. After the exam, we discussed the next steps. Dr. S said we could try again in January after a couple months of healing. Dr. S said he would still perform IUI with shots on me since we know they can lead to healthy pregnancies and healthy babies. We told him we had you, Baby W3, in the car and asked about genetic testing. He didn't think it necessary and unfortunately since we were in their satellite office he didn't have the proper tools to take you from us. We accepted it, even though we had been hoping for more. Perhaps, in the end, its for the best that we don't know more details about you or why you left us so soon. We know what we need to know. We love you. We wanted you so badly. You made us so very happy for 9 weeks and 1 day! We thought about you, planned for you and I had dreams about you. We also know God had a reason.
I'm not angry anymore. Again, I have a strange peace about the whole journey. I know God has a plan for me and us and our family. I believe with every ounce of my being that despite my wishes and preferences, adding to our family was not part of His plan for us right now. And that sucks. But I trust Him. RCW does too. We don't know what the future will hold. We have mixed feelings about you, Baby W3, and this pregnancy. Was it to show us how badly we want another baby? Or was it to show us our family is complete? I don't know. I have my personal inner most beliefs, but RCW and I have not discussed the future. While RCW isn't 'very sad' anymore, I have been checking in on him daily and he continues to be 'just a little sad'. We aren't ready to think about jumping back on the fertility treatment wagon again right now. We are still grieving in our own ways and together and healing physically and emotionally from losing you, Baby W3.
Whether you come back to us here, or we don't meet again until years down the road in heaven, I know you're with God. And as I've shared with RCW, you were our third loss on this journey, and after losing you, Baby W3, who we both so deeply felt were our little girl, well...we aren't so sure that we can have a girl anymore. Maybe we just can't make a healthy baby girl. I don't know. Perhaps one day we'll be proven wrong, but I do believe that one day when we get to heaven, there will be at least 1, if not 3, little girls waiting to greet us. You'll be there, Baby W3, waiting for me and your daddy.
Thank you for coming to us, even for just a short time. You are a blessing. We will continue to love you and grieve for you. We will always remember you. You, this pregnancy, this experience will stay in our hearts forever.
XOXOX,
~Momma
*****
Dear Baby W3,
Where to even begin? I honestly don't know. Since I was pregnant with E, I was talking about you. Once we had E, I was waiting for my first post partum cycle. I was hoping and praying I had been magically healed and we'd get pregnant on our own. I was taking ovulation tests over the summer. I was talking to RCW (your daddy) about when we should visit our fertility doctors. We were trying. We were trying to make you. Unfortunately, despite 2 successful pregnancies and 2 healthy babies, I was not cured. We weren't going to be one of those couples this time. We were going to need medical help again. We wanted you. So badly.
In mid to late August we waited. We waited and we waited for my next cycle to start. The cycle that was going to be YOUR cycle. The cycle that we would call the doctors to get the ball rolling. We waited. 28 days passed. 30 days passed. 35 days passed. I even peed on a stick to see if we'd gotten lucky on our own. Nope. We started talking about calling the doctor to take medicine to start my cycle. We waivered. We thought maybe NOT getting my cycle was a sign. Maybe we weren't suppose to try for you. We started to have doubts. Were we being selfish to try for another baby when we already had C and E? Could we handle 3 under 3? We went back and forth with pros and cons for a good week. I prayed to God. I prayed for an answer, for a sign. We didn't know what to do.
Then on September 3, RCW's birthday, my cycle came. On its own. This was it. I truly believed it was the sign I had been praying for. I mean on RCW's birthday after a good 40+ days?! I excitedly called RCW at work and told him and asked, "Do I call our RE?" He said, "Yes!". The next day I was en route to Cincinnati with C and E in tow for a baseline ultrasound. Let me tell you, walking into a fertility clinic with 2 under 2 is probably one of the most awkward First World problems there is! I didn't get to see our beloved Dr. S, but his partner, Dr. B. I took this as a bad sign from the get go. We ALWAYS saw Dr. S. Dr. S got us C and E. Dr. B. said things looked good to proceed and started me on the meds, Gonal - F injections and oral Femara.
For my next appointment, I did see Dr. S. And I left C and E at home for the morning with RCW. He took a morning off of work to stay home with them. C was not a fan of the lights being turned off and his momma having an ultrasound. Bubbles Guppies on the iPad couldn't even drown out his cries. So they stayed home. Dr. S confirmed that I was not responding to the meds as well this cycle. He increased my doses. He pushed dates back for insemination. I had to order more Gonal-F. I felt like a failure that my body was just not working, not even with crazy amounts of hormones.
We all got in the car bright and early around 6:30am on Wednesday, September 18 and drove to Cincinnati. While I fed breakfast to C and E, did diaper changers and switched them from pjs into play clothes, RCW did his part. Afterwards, we took C and E to a playground to get some energy out. C fell, bumped his forehead and got a massive goose egg on his head. It was so bad we Googled concussions, put an ice pack from E's bottle cooler on it and discussed taking him to an ER in Cincinnati. Could anything go right?! Ultimately, we didn't take him to a doctor, we all went into the fertility clinic for my 10:30am IUI. And it wasn't with Dr. S. But with Dr. B.
I started the dreaded two week wait. I looked for implantation bleeding. I overanalyzed every little thing. Did I feel sick? Was I tired? Did my boobs hurt? Was I warmer than usual? Was my nose running? Every little thing. The weekend before the 2 weeks was up, I almost tested a handful of times, but ultimately held out. I told myself I would test at 12 days past IUI, when I had tested positive with C, even though I had tested positive with E at 11 days past IUI. But I held out and waited. On Monday, September 30, RCW's first day of his new job, I waited to send him off to work and then I peed in a cup and dipped the test stick in it and waited. Not Pregnant. I knew it. I had a feeling it wouldn't work. Things just had not lined up this cycle. I was heartbroken. I felt like a failure again. I let RCW know. It was a sad day. I waited for my cycle to start and wondered what we would do next.
But Baby W3, you had other plans. Just to be safe, so I could call the RE's office 2 weeks from the IUI, I tested again on Wednesday, October 2. 14 days from IUI. I had a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, Monday's test was a false negative. Maybe I had implanted late. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. And within seconds, that test flashed PREGNANT! Oh the joy! The shock! The elation! I was over the moon! We were going to have a baby! A June baby! We were going to be those crazy people with 3 littles under 3! OMG! I was so so so happy. In that moment, I knew how desperately I wanted you. Why did I ever have doubts?!
I began to plan how to tell RCW the news. I took some pictures. A full crib. It was an inside joke. I literally put all 3 huskies, 2 babies and myself in C's crib. Snapped a picture and got it ready to show RCW when he arrived home that night. Then I called my RE's office and got lab work requests sent to my OB in town to have my beta level drawn. I got to my OB's at 11am that morning for blood work. I didn't get the beta results that day, but that night when RCW came home, I told him to scroll through some pictures on my phone from the day. There was a series of messages telling him he was right (he held out hope and always said we would be pregnant), that we would need a bigger crib, then there was the picture of all of us in the crib and the final picture was a message showing our estimated due date, June 10, 2014. He was so excited! Just like me from that morning. We hugged, kissed and started thinking about you, Baby W3.
The next day, a nurse called with my beta numbers. 33.4. Super low. To be pregnant, I needed to get 25 or above. I did that, just barely. The OB's nurse was hopeful. The RE's nurse who called later to share the same news was not. She'd been there before with too many others. She was realistic, "Yes, you are pregnant. For now. Its a very low number. Go test again in a week." I was upset. The beta was so so so low. RCW, ever optimistic, told me what I held onto deep in my heart, Baby W3 was a girl. You implanted late like many scientific studies suggest occur with girls and not boys. That's why I had a negative test first and then a positive and its why the beta was so low. Our little girl was here, but just fashionably late. We held onto that thought for the next week. All the while, symptoms progressed. Exhaustion, nausea. I became a furnace. We still talked about our June baby and when we would tell people and how we would share the news.
The following week, on October 9, I went back to my OB and had blood drawn again. This time I didn't wait a day. I pestered the nurses at both my OB and RE's offices to get same day results. My beta was 949.9! I had a doubling time of 36 hours! It was a great number and both nurses were very pleased! This was it, we were pregnant with Baby W3! I scheduled our first ultrasound for October 24 at 7 weeks, 2 days.
Over the next 2 weeks, my symptoms persisted, strongly! I was so tired ALL day long. I had waves of nausea hit first thing when I woke up, randomly throughout the day and when I went to bed. I was STARVING and eating all the chocolate I could find. My face was breaking out. My boobs got bigger. My already poochy belly from having had 2 babies in 2 years started to poke out and my stretch marks started to get shiny again. Seriously. And I was a moody witch. Poor RCW. It was so bad that a dear friend, Auntie S, in the middle of a texting therapy session one day asked semi jokingly if I was pregnant and I couldn't lie to her. I told her yes. She was the first person to know. With all of this, we continued to believe you were a girl. The symptoms were so different from the boys. You were causing drama already little girl! Over those 2 weeks, we talked about looking for bigger houses next fall, getting pink things, would we try for Baby W4, and names. Although to be fair, we always have names ready because we're crazy like that. We knew you were either going to be TCW or HCW, whether you were the girl we thought you would be or a little boy. We talked about how I would handle taking 3 under 3 out shopping. We talked about driving back to Virginia with 3 babies. We talked about plans for having you on most likely June 3 with a planned c-section. We started taking weekly bump pictures at 6 weeks to document your growth. We were so incredibly happy and excited to have you!
As October 24 approached, some nerves crept in. I knew there was a possibility that something could be wrong. There is always a possibility. But I pushed it away. RCW didn't worry at all. So much so, we decided he shouldn't take time off of his new job to attend the ultrasound. He'd come when we had our first appointment with our OB locally instead of taking half a day off to drive to Northern Kentucky to our RE's satellite office. He was that confident.
So on October 24, I spent the morning at home playing with C and E. I fed them lunch and then at 1:30pm we piled in the car and drove to Florence, Kentucky. I loaded C and E into the double stroller, in snow flurries, and went into the office. I was put into an exam room. I got C settled with a snack and Bubble Guppies on the iPad. I got E settled with Sophie in the stroller and I undressed from the waist down and hopped onto the exam table. My beloved Dr. S came in. We did the scan. Immediately, I looked for 2 babies. There was just 1. But then within seconds, I knew something didn't look right. I didn't see anything flickering like with C and E's first scans. I didn't see a heartbeat. C was screaming, which lead to E screaming. Dr. S. finished looking and printing pictures, told me to get dressed and the boys settled and he'd come back to discuss things. Once we were settled, he told me what I knew. He didn't see a heartbeat. He also told me I had a subchorionic hemorrhage, a tear where the placenta had torn away from the uterus wall. I told him I was fairly certain I had implanted late. He reassured me that perhaps I wasn't as far along as we thought then. He reviewed the betas in my chart and said that yes, if I was only 6 weeks along it wasn't an issue that we didn't see a heartbeat. He told me to expect to bleed due to the tear and to come back in 2 weeks for a second scan and sent me on my way.
As I pushed C and E out to the car and loaded them up, I became anxious. My fears had been confirmed. There wasn't a heartbeat. I immediately tried calling RCW, but he was working in the field. I couldn't find him. I cried. I was heartbroken. There was not going to be a June baby. I knew this cycle was crap. RCW finally called and remained my loving, optimistic husband. I remained the anxious, worry wart, realistic Stephanie I have always been and I bawled my eyes out on the almost 2 hour drive home. It was over. Everything we had hoped and prayed for and wanted was gone just like that. Then I was angry. I was angry at myself for pushing to try, I was angry at my body for sucking and not working, I was angry at God because why did He let us get pregnant only to take it away? Why did He put me, us, through this roller coaster of no, yes, maybe, yes, maybe. What was He trying to teach? By the time we got home, I was numb. I wanted to forget I was pregnant, I wanted to pretend it wasn't true. I didn't want to think about anything else until our next ultrasound on November 7.
Another two week wait. Every time I went to the bathroom I was anxious. Would I see blood? Were my symptoms getting better, or worse? What was happening? The tears came in waves. I'd be fine, but then I'd put E down for a nap and see my sleeping baby boy and I'd lose it. I'd kneel and pray and cry. I begged and pleaded many times over the next 2 weeks with God to please please please save you, Baby W3. Then I would pray for peace, for strength, for His love to get me through this. Between October 24 and November 6, I processed and accepted that more than likely we would not be bringing home a baby in June. I had set my mind to the fact that we would all go, including RCW this time, to the appointment on November 7, not see a heartbeat and Dr. S would prescribe some meds to induce labor and miscarry at home. I had planned to have our 2013 Christmas card pictures taken at home at 9am Saturday, November 9 and then by 10am I would have popped the pills and started the cycle of a drug induced miscarriage. This was my reality. I would rather be heartbroken now with only a small glimmer of hope for something different than to live like things were great and go through heartbreak all over again come our next appointment. RCW didn't function like that. From the get go, he maintained we had 3 littles. He never gave up, he never let go of hope, he believed his baby girl would make it and prove her momma wrong. Unfortunately, because of that mentality things hit him a bit harder than me when it occurred.
Because we did lose you, Baby W3. You are no longer with us. But it wasn't due to medicine. No, my body finally did something right. Ironic, isn't it? After spotting for a few days, which I now assume was the tear bleeding out, I took it easy ALL day Wednesday, November 6. I didn't bleed all day long. I was amazed. I even began to think maybe, just maybe, things would be ok. C took an extra long nap that day. Before I went to get him up at 5pm, I went to the bathroom. And it had started. I was bleeding heavily. I wasn't cramping or hurting, but I knew it was beginning. I got C up, I called RCW and asked when he would be home and I started to cook dinner. By 5:30pm, I was in pain. But RCW wasn't home yet and now E was up too. I had 2 babies and dinner on the stove cooking. I couldn't crawl into a ball in bed and hide under the covers. I kept frequenting the bathroom, bleeding and passing clots. I kept locking C out which elicited tears and knocks on the door because he is never locked out of the bathroom from me. But he didn't need to see what I was seeing. E played happily on the living room floor all the while. RCW finally arrived home and told me to go to bed. But I didn't. I had to eat. And it wasn't fair to burden him with feeding both boys dinner. I was going to be cramping and in pain whether I was laying in bed or sitting at the dinner table eating with my family. I chose to eat and have our regularly scheduled family dinner. The night went on as usual, dinner, clean up, playing in the living room, pjs and bed. We cut a few corners that night such as bath and books and bedtime came a bit quicker than usual. During it all I was having pretty severe contraction like cramps and running to the bathroom every so often.
Once the boys were down for the night, I didn't know what had passed or hadn't. I knew our doctor would ask if we saw you, Baby W3, pass. I kept looking, but couldn't distinguish anything. RCW and I cuddled up on the sofa while I sat on a towel, a chuck pad that I had left over from E's c-section and we watched New Girl on DVR. It was a hilarious episode, as most are. But this one was funny! So here's the thing with what I experienced losing you. The sensation of something falling out of you, ie: all the clots, is not a fun experience for me. I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all. And everytime I coughed, laughed or sneezed more would fall out. As RCW and I sat watching New Girl to keep us laughing and not too focused on what was happening, RCW made me laugh. He mocked a scene in the show and made me laugh hard. And then I flinched and said, "Oh crap! More just fell out of me because you made me laugh!" He paused the show, helped me gather all my towels around myself so I wouldn't leak on the floor and I waddled off to the bathroom.
As I sat down and pulled down my pants, I saw you. You had fallen out of me during that big belly laugh caused by your daddy. You left us at 9 weeks, 1 day on Wednesday, November 6 around 8:30pm. I LOST it. I wasn't laughing anymore, I was crying as hard as I've ever cried before. It was over. It was really, truly, no doubt about it, over. You were gone. Our Baby W3 was gone. RCW heard me crying and came down the hallway. I hadn't wanted him to see you, but I couldn't move. I was just sitting there, hands over my face weeping for you, for me, for him. Time seemed to stand still. As soon as RCW came into the bathroom, he lost it. And hearing your daddy cry real guttural tears. Sigh. It just made me cry that much harder. He leaned over and held me and we cried together. We didn't speak. I don't know what he was thinking. Heck, I'm not even sure I know what I was thinking. We were grieving for you, our June baby. Its a moment I will never forget and it was a moment that brought RCW and I together, stronger, more connected. Babies do that. Losing your baby together does that too. Eventually, RCW went into action. He helped me take off my pants and he folded things up and helped me clean up. As he was moving you, I made myself speak. I didn't know what he was going to do with you, but I knew I wanted to take you to the doctor tomorrow to inquire about running genetic testing to see if we could figure out why we lost you. I simply stated in a whisper, "Maybe we should take it with us tomorrow." RCW didn't say a word, he just continued to hide you from our sight and tucked you away for safe keeping in the bathroom.
We didn't finish New Girl that night. We silently got ready for bed and turned off the lights and we both cried some more while holding each other. We said I love you and each eventually went to sleep at some point. We were together, but I knew RCW was shutting down. He needed to process. He needed to mourn on his own. He needed to not talk. And for once, I didn't push him.
The next morning, Thursday, November 7, we tried to go about as usual. I was sad. But I had a strange sense of relief. The limbo of the past few weeks of not knowing anything for sure, of going back and forth, had taken its toll on me and now I knew. I was sad and I cried and I wanted you back. But it was time to mourn now. There were no more questions. I knew the facts, finally. I didn't like them, but I had relief that I knew them. I texted and emailed some close momma friends to share the news. I posted a Facebook status asking for prayers for us and sharing the verse that always gets me through our infertility journey, "For I know the plans I have for you," declared the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and future." Jeremiah 29:11. I emailed our parents and siblings. I made bottles, made breakfast and took care of C and E. I was still cramping and passing clots, but I had to be a momma to C and E. They left very little time for me to wallow in self pity! After lunch, I packed us all up in the car and after a pit stop at Three Dog Bakery to get pill pockets for Dallas, we went to pick up RCW from work. It was time to head to our appointment.
Traffic was horrible. We were 30 minutes late after getting off the interstate and taking back roads to get around the huge construction backup on 71. We finally arrived and I told the nurse we had lost you. We got settled in our exam room and Dr. S came in. He greeted us, gave us his condolences and then he got to work. In a painful and unexpected twist, he helped the final stages of the miscarriage along by cleaning me out. It was more painful than either c-section and I was so thankful RCW decided to still attend so he was able to keep C and E occupied. In hindsight, I'm glad he did it as I think I would have continued to be cramping and hurting for a couple more days if he hadn't. But it was a physically painful experience, especially considering I wasn't anticipating it! After he cleaned my cervix, he performed an ultrasound to check everything out. He medically confirmed what we already knew, we had lost you. But medically, things looked right. That was a silver lining. After the exam, we discussed the next steps. Dr. S said we could try again in January after a couple months of healing. Dr. S said he would still perform IUI with shots on me since we know they can lead to healthy pregnancies and healthy babies. We told him we had you, Baby W3, in the car and asked about genetic testing. He didn't think it necessary and unfortunately since we were in their satellite office he didn't have the proper tools to take you from us. We accepted it, even though we had been hoping for more. Perhaps, in the end, its for the best that we don't know more details about you or why you left us so soon. We know what we need to know. We love you. We wanted you so badly. You made us so very happy for 9 weeks and 1 day! We thought about you, planned for you and I had dreams about you. We also know God had a reason.
I'm not angry anymore. Again, I have a strange peace about the whole journey. I know God has a plan for me and us and our family. I believe with every ounce of my being that despite my wishes and preferences, adding to our family was not part of His plan for us right now. And that sucks. But I trust Him. RCW does too. We don't know what the future will hold. We have mixed feelings about you, Baby W3, and this pregnancy. Was it to show us how badly we want another baby? Or was it to show us our family is complete? I don't know. I have my personal inner most beliefs, but RCW and I have not discussed the future. While RCW isn't 'very sad' anymore, I have been checking in on him daily and he continues to be 'just a little sad'. We aren't ready to think about jumping back on the fertility treatment wagon again right now. We are still grieving in our own ways and together and healing physically and emotionally from losing you, Baby W3.
Whether you come back to us here, or we don't meet again until years down the road in heaven, I know you're with God. And as I've shared with RCW, you were our third loss on this journey, and after losing you, Baby W3, who we both so deeply felt were our little girl, well...we aren't so sure that we can have a girl anymore. Maybe we just can't make a healthy baby girl. I don't know. Perhaps one day we'll be proven wrong, but I do believe that one day when we get to heaven, there will be at least 1, if not 3, little girls waiting to greet us. You'll be there, Baby W3, waiting for me and your daddy.
Thank you for coming to us, even for just a short time. You are a blessing. We will continue to love you and grieve for you. We will always remember you. You, this pregnancy, this experience will stay in our hearts forever.
XOXOX,
~Momma
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Waving the White Flag to my Milk Supply
Where to start?
I had high hopes with pregnancy #2 of nursing. Of just having the baby and putting him right on my boob and everything magically working out the way nature intended. The baby came out, we did skin to skin and within the first 1.5 hours he was latching on. Ta-da! Maybe it would all be different this time around just like I had hoped! To be safe as soon as the lactation consultant visited me on R's birth day I requested a pump. I told her my issue - PCOS and very low supply with my first born - and I wanted to insurance pump in addition to nursing R. And insurance pump I did. Every time R nursed, I then pumped. I was a woman on a mission.
By the end of R's first 24 hours of life though, we knew things wouldn't be too different this go around.
When our pediatrician visited him she even noticed how he seemed to be hungry. She commented on his crocodile tears which weren't common in newborns, especially those just 1 day old. Once I explained our situation with C, where he lost over 10% of his body weight while in the hospital, our ped suggested we supplement with formula. After having a baby on my boob every 2 hours and hearing his tiny little loud cries and seeing him crying oh so hard and getting so upset he was turning shades of purple, RCW and I agreed. Plus, we didn't want to go through what we had been through with C - losing over 10% of his weight and getting jaundice. R was already being monitored for being too yellow, we didn't want it getting worse and him to lose too many pounds as the ounces had already started falling off in the first 24 hours.
By day 2 we were back to where we had been with C. Nursing, bottle feeding formula and pumping. Every 3 hours. It was horrible. And can I just say my nips were not prepared. I was hurting. R wasn't latching on perfectly from the get-go, but that combined with pumping with a hospital Medela and I was in pain. I was wincing every time he would latch or I would hook up to the pump.
We came home and things didn't get any better. Nursing was going so badly, especially once R met the bottle. Just like C, my boys are what you call lazy eaters. The free flow from the bottle was just too enticing. Why work for it and have to suck-suck-suck, and get hardly anything from mom, when you can just suck and have deliciousness free flowing instead!? Before the first week was over, I was done nursing. I was in so much pain. I was so tired. I was over having hardly milk, we're talking in cc's here and maybe with the pumping I was getting 15cc or half an ounce. RCW pushed me. We fought. I consulted a blogger buddy who battled for milk due to PCOS with her daughter. She encouraged me to try a nipple shield and not give up on nursing just yet. After all it had only been a week. I gave in to her and RCW.
We got the nipple shield. And can I say, while the pain wasn't as magnified, it was still there and nothing ever truly healed. R wasn't a huge fan, but we were trying to make it work. But I was still in the nasty nurse-bottle-pump cycle.
RCW saw me trying. He saw the battle to get R to latch using the nipple shield. It would take anywhere from 10 to 20 minutes to get him latched on properly. Then he'd only suck a few minutes before popping off and screaming. Then I'd try the other side. Same ordeal. Then I'd feed him a bottle which would take a good 15 to 20 minutes, if not longer. Not only is he a lazy eater, he can be a slow eater too. And then I would get R changed and settled and hook up to the pump for 20 minutes. And guess what, about an hour later it was time to do it all over again. Once RCW realized the nursing was just not working for either me or R, we agreed to stop nursing once and for all.
Back to bottles of pumped breast milk and supplements of formula and pumping exclusively.
I will be honest, I was glad to be done nursing. It wasn't magical for us. It was painful and frustrating. And to be perfectly honest, by this point I knew things weren't going to be any different as my milk took over a week to come in and even then I was still barely producing anything substantial. Meanwhile R is a voracious eater wanting more and more and more everyday. It just seemed like why was I trying to do this? Formula is so easy!
But we kept going. We agreed at my 1.5 week postpartum checkup we would ask for a prescription for Domperidone. I used that with C and it increased my supply, or so we thought. (And when I told the doctor that I was pumping for 2o minutes every 3 hours and we were 11 days into it and I was only getting 7 ounces total at most, she looked at me like I was crazy. She asked if I was sure I wasn't getting more than that? I mean most women could pump out 7 ounces in 15 minutes and here it was taking me a whole day to produce that much!) In addition to getting on the Domperidone I would also start taking Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle. We would try. I would try. We knew breast milk was ideal and we thought maybe my supply would drastically increase and make it all worth while. As of April 9, I was taking 16 pills a day just to attempt to increase my supply and eating old fashioned oatmeal like it was going out of style! 4 Domperidones, 6 Fenugreeks and 6 Blessed Thistles. I was pumping every 3 hours, except in the middle of the night because I had to sleep. And the catch-22 is that while pumping every 3 hours around the clock increases your supply, rest is important to production too. And with a newborn who needs to be held to sleep and a toddler, I wasn't getting naps during the day to catch up on zzz's from the night before. So I gave up the middle of the night pumping session.
I tracked the numbers like a hawk. I recorded everything. I compared things to what I had with C. I even made a nifty little chart (because maybe I miss manipulating spreadsheets just a wee tiny bit in my SAHM gig!)
RCW and I spent time reviewing the numbers. Then we talked. Because while the numbers showed that maybe all the meds could possibly get me to produce what I did for C, there was the money factor. We'd still have to buy formula because R is eating around 25 -28 ounces a day and I am producing 10 ounces on a good day, but the money factor of $60 for Domperidone every 2 weeks and $30 for Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle every 30 days. And then there is the time factor. After 1.5 weeks home alone with the boys a bigger issue was time and quality of life. Did you see I mentioned R likes to be held? If he had his way he'd be held 24/7. And if he were the first and only baby and I wasn't pumping every 3 hours maybe that would be feasible. But with taking care of C and pumping, there were many moments of cries from R. Which broke my heart and made me that much more frustrated by the whole pumping situation.
With all of that being said, RCW and I decided to surrender.
It is bittersweet. I hated the pump this time around. I dreaded putting it on. My nipples still hurt and I couldn't use it at the maximum setting without a lot of pain. But my sweet R was getting breast milk, albeit not very much. Rarely even half of what he was taking in every day. I wanted so badly to nurse this time and have it all work wonderfully. I wanted to give R what I gave C - 4 months of as much breast milk as possible. But in the end, I have to consider more than just R this time around. I have to consider C too. And I have to consider what R needs more - pumped breast milk or a 24/7 accessible momma. Because while I couldn't master pumping and holding both boys, I have become pretty good at holding C and R in my lap or carrying them from room to room when C needs some extra loving too.
The time, the effort, the money, the cries from R and C when I couldn't pick them up and cuddle them because the Medela Freestyle may be hands free, that doesn't mean its always easy to do things with milk jugs strapped to your chest, and the lack of milk supply just all added up this time around to wave the white flag to breast milk. We made it a month. R will be 4 weeks tomorrow. (How is that even possible!?) He got as much colostrum as he could manage and he got a good month of as much breast milk as I could produce. But now he's going to be on formula 100%.
And I know he will be fine. I was only breast feed for the 6 weeks my mom was on maternity leave in 1982 and I consider myself a pretty smart and happy lady. And C was on formula 100% once he hit 4 months and he's walking and talking and hitting all his milestones. R was never going to be a breast milk only baby and heck, he wouldn't have gotten it past 4 months anyway, so while going to formula isn't detrimental to him at all, I do have momma guilt.
I wish I had more hands. I wish I had more time. I wish I had more stinkin' milk!
In the end though this decision is what is best for our entire family this go around. I'll remain hopeful and positive that maybe one day my boobs will decide to do what they're meant to do. Maybe the third time will be the charm when we hopefully have #3. Time will tell. But for now, my pump is being packed away and retired until next time and I definitely have mixed emotions about it for me and for R.
I had high hopes with pregnancy #2 of nursing. Of just having the baby and putting him right on my boob and everything magically working out the way nature intended. The baby came out, we did skin to skin and within the first 1.5 hours he was latching on. Ta-da! Maybe it would all be different this time around just like I had hoped! To be safe as soon as the lactation consultant visited me on R's birth day I requested a pump. I told her my issue - PCOS and very low supply with my first born - and I wanted to insurance pump in addition to nursing R. And insurance pump I did. Every time R nursed, I then pumped. I was a woman on a mission.
By the end of R's first 24 hours of life though, we knew things wouldn't be too different this go around.
When our pediatrician visited him she even noticed how he seemed to be hungry. She commented on his crocodile tears which weren't common in newborns, especially those just 1 day old. Once I explained our situation with C, where he lost over 10% of his body weight while in the hospital, our ped suggested we supplement with formula. After having a baby on my boob every 2 hours and hearing his tiny little loud cries and seeing him crying oh so hard and getting so upset he was turning shades of purple, RCW and I agreed. Plus, we didn't want to go through what we had been through with C - losing over 10% of his weight and getting jaundice. R was already being monitored for being too yellow, we didn't want it getting worse and him to lose too many pounds as the ounces had already started falling off in the first 24 hours.
By day 2 we were back to where we had been with C. Nursing, bottle feeding formula and pumping. Every 3 hours. It was horrible. And can I just say my nips were not prepared. I was hurting. R wasn't latching on perfectly from the get-go, but that combined with pumping with a hospital Medela and I was in pain. I was wincing every time he would latch or I would hook up to the pump.
We came home and things didn't get any better. Nursing was going so badly, especially once R met the bottle. Just like C, my boys are what you call lazy eaters. The free flow from the bottle was just too enticing. Why work for it and have to suck-suck-suck, and get hardly anything from mom, when you can just suck and have deliciousness free flowing instead!? Before the first week was over, I was done nursing. I was in so much pain. I was so tired. I was over having hardly milk, we're talking in cc's here and maybe with the pumping I was getting 15cc or half an ounce. RCW pushed me. We fought. I consulted a blogger buddy who battled for milk due to PCOS with her daughter. She encouraged me to try a nipple shield and not give up on nursing just yet. After all it had only been a week. I gave in to her and RCW.
We got the nipple shield. And can I say, while the pain wasn't as magnified, it was still there and nothing ever truly healed. R wasn't a huge fan, but we were trying to make it work. But I was still in the nasty nurse-bottle-pump cycle.
RCW saw me trying. He saw the battle to get R to latch using the nipple shield. It would take anywhere from 10 to 20 minutes to get him latched on properly. Then he'd only suck a few minutes before popping off and screaming. Then I'd try the other side. Same ordeal. Then I'd feed him a bottle which would take a good 15 to 20 minutes, if not longer. Not only is he a lazy eater, he can be a slow eater too. And then I would get R changed and settled and hook up to the pump for 20 minutes. And guess what, about an hour later it was time to do it all over again. Once RCW realized the nursing was just not working for either me or R, we agreed to stop nursing once and for all.
Back to bottles of pumped breast milk and supplements of formula and pumping exclusively.
I will be honest, I was glad to be done nursing. It wasn't magical for us. It was painful and frustrating. And to be perfectly honest, by this point I knew things weren't going to be any different as my milk took over a week to come in and even then I was still barely producing anything substantial. Meanwhile R is a voracious eater wanting more and more and more everyday. It just seemed like why was I trying to do this? Formula is so easy!
But we kept going. We agreed at my 1.5 week postpartum checkup we would ask for a prescription for Domperidone. I used that with C and it increased my supply, or so we thought. (And when I told the doctor that I was pumping for 2o minutes every 3 hours and we were 11 days into it and I was only getting 7 ounces total at most, she looked at me like I was crazy. She asked if I was sure I wasn't getting more than that? I mean most women could pump out 7 ounces in 15 minutes and here it was taking me a whole day to produce that much!) In addition to getting on the Domperidone I would also start taking Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle. We would try. I would try. We knew breast milk was ideal and we thought maybe my supply would drastically increase and make it all worth while. As of April 9, I was taking 16 pills a day just to attempt to increase my supply and eating old fashioned oatmeal like it was going out of style! 4 Domperidones, 6 Fenugreeks and 6 Blessed Thistles. I was pumping every 3 hours, except in the middle of the night because I had to sleep. And the catch-22 is that while pumping every 3 hours around the clock increases your supply, rest is important to production too. And with a newborn who needs to be held to sleep and a toddler, I wasn't getting naps during the day to catch up on zzz's from the night before. So I gave up the middle of the night pumping session.
I tracked the numbers like a hawk. I recorded everything. I compared things to what I had with C. I even made a nifty little chart (because maybe I miss manipulating spreadsheets just a wee tiny bit in my SAHM gig!)
RCW and I spent time reviewing the numbers. Then we talked. Because while the numbers showed that maybe all the meds could possibly get me to produce what I did for C, there was the money factor. We'd still have to buy formula because R is eating around 25 -28 ounces a day and I am producing 10 ounces on a good day, but the money factor of $60 for Domperidone every 2 weeks and $30 for Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle every 30 days. And then there is the time factor. After 1.5 weeks home alone with the boys a bigger issue was time and quality of life. Did you see I mentioned R likes to be held? If he had his way he'd be held 24/7. And if he were the first and only baby and I wasn't pumping every 3 hours maybe that would be feasible. But with taking care of C and pumping, there were many moments of cries from R. Which broke my heart and made me that much more frustrated by the whole pumping situation.
With all of that being said, RCW and I decided to surrender.
It is bittersweet. I hated the pump this time around. I dreaded putting it on. My nipples still hurt and I couldn't use it at the maximum setting without a lot of pain. But my sweet R was getting breast milk, albeit not very much. Rarely even half of what he was taking in every day. I wanted so badly to nurse this time and have it all work wonderfully. I wanted to give R what I gave C - 4 months of as much breast milk as possible. But in the end, I have to consider more than just R this time around. I have to consider C too. And I have to consider what R needs more - pumped breast milk or a 24/7 accessible momma. Because while I couldn't master pumping and holding both boys, I have become pretty good at holding C and R in my lap or carrying them from room to room when C needs some extra loving too.
The time, the effort, the money, the cries from R and C when I couldn't pick them up and cuddle them because the Medela Freestyle may be hands free, that doesn't mean its always easy to do things with milk jugs strapped to your chest, and the lack of milk supply just all added up this time around to wave the white flag to breast milk. We made it a month. R will be 4 weeks tomorrow. (How is that even possible!?) He got as much colostrum as he could manage and he got a good month of as much breast milk as I could produce. But now he's going to be on formula 100%.
And I know he will be fine. I was only breast feed for the 6 weeks my mom was on maternity leave in 1982 and I consider myself a pretty smart and happy lady. And C was on formula 100% once he hit 4 months and he's walking and talking and hitting all his milestones. R was never going to be a breast milk only baby and heck, he wouldn't have gotten it past 4 months anyway, so while going to formula isn't detrimental to him at all, I do have momma guilt.
I wish I had more hands. I wish I had more time. I wish I had more stinkin' milk!
In the end though this decision is what is best for our entire family this go around. I'll remain hopeful and positive that maybe one day my boobs will decide to do what they're meant to do. Maybe the third time will be the charm when we hopefully have #3. Time will tell. But for now, my pump is being packed away and retired until next time and I definitely have mixed emotions about it for me and for R.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
The Birth Story
Just like with C, I'm taking the time to post R's birth story on his 1 week birthday. I can't believe my littlest man has already been with us for a week when I honestly did not think we'd be meeting until Monday, April 8! The past week has been a whirlwind: struggling to nurse (again), giving up, starting over with a nipple shield, giving up nursing again to go straight to pumping, while still having to supplement with formula, going to Kosair's Children's Hospital for a bilirubin check (our ped told us to worry about photo blanket therapy if it came back at 12 or above, R's came in at 10.7), massive mom guilt in missing C despite being in the same house with him, frustration in not being able to pick up and take care of C, a few nights of little to no sleep as R got his days and nights mixed up (we're on night 2 of a good 3 hour schedule prior to that he was up from about midnight to 3:30am, wide awake and ready to party!), RCW going back to work Wednesday, adjusting to the live in help of having my mom and dad here 24/7, watching C bring R a pacifier or one of his toys when he cries, continuing with my end of semester school work and giving attention to the 3 original (fur)babies. Just to name a few things that have been going on! However, with all of that the happiness, the joy, the bliss of having R here with us has been overwhelming and caused this hormonal post partum momma to tear up on more than one occasion!
*****
Where to start? At the very beginning I suppose...
After our Tuesday, March 26 OB 38 week checkup confirmed that we were having our baby on Thursday, things got really real! I went into hardcore nesting and getting ready mode. Tuesday and Wednesday were spent cleaning, catching up on schoolwork, getting extra snuggles and kisses from C, lots of tears on Wednesday from mommy guilt of wondering if we were totally rocking his world with the addition of a sibling, massive anxiety about what Baby W2 would be, boy or girl, seriously, I was super stressed about Baby W2 being a girl and how that would rock our worlds as a girl would be a big change from raising C this past year, packing for the hospital and trying to sleep and rest.
Thursday morning RCW and I woke up and took care of C as usual. RCW and C had breakfast as I couldn't eat anything from midnight on. Then I showered, got ready with putting on makeup and blow drying my hair, taking my 38 week belly picture, packing up our final hospital necessities and running around like a crazy lady! We spent from about 10am until 11am playing with C and we took a final picture of our little family of 6 (RCW, me, C + 3 pups!). At 11am, we packed up the car and I gave C a super long tear filled hug and told him we'd see him a few hours. Then we loaded up and headed to the hospital where we were suppose to check in at 11:30am for our 1:30pm c-section.
We arrived at the hospital, parked on level 5 of the deck and started our walk to delivering Baby W2! I was super silly and didn't know what all surgery prep would entail since I had never done this before. I had a history quiz that was available from noon Thursday to noon Friday, so I told RCW I wanted to bring the laptop and I would take my quiz before having the baby so I wouldn't have to worry about it post baby's arrival Thursday night or Friday morning. He told me I was crazy, but obliged and lugged the laptop with us. We realized after walking from the car to the hospital entrance on level 5 that level 5 was not an entrance to the hospital, the elevator wasn't working and so we ended up walking down a flight of stairs to level 4 where we found another note that instructed us we had to go down to level 1 to get to the main hospital entrance in order to access Labor and Delivery. So down the stairs we went, followed by a long winding hallway walk to the front of the hospital to access the main elevators. I was feeling 38 weeks pregnant after that walk as RCW stayed a few feet ahead of me! We got to the main elevators and got up to the L&D floor. We walked into registration and realized everything had changed since C's delivery just a year ago! They asked for my name, sent me to the restroom and then put me in a triage room. I suppose I thought I'd be in a L&D room before surgery like with C, but alas I was in a teeny tiny triage room, #7. I got into the lovely gown and sat in bed.
Quickly a registration nurse rolled in with a computer to get my signature on a million different waivers and contracts, which the nurse didn't know how to use. Apparently the hospital got a new computer system just a month ago and everyone was still learning how to use it. We asked about making our payment based on a call I received Wednesday telling us we'd have to pay a deposit if we didn't want to pay the whole sum, but again, the nurse didn't know anything about this, nor how to use the system. She ended up coming back 3 times to work with RCW to make our payment and even had her superior come and in the end nothing worked and they said they'd send us a bill. Good grief!
After that happened, another nurse came in and started to go a mile a minute. RCW was making fun of her the whole time, she was level 10! She had me sign more papers, got me hooked up to heart rate monitors for me and Baby W2, prepped and shaved some peachfuzz from where the incision would be (while cutting me!) and put in my IV. Thankfully, she was NOT our nurse and was just getting us started because she was just go-go-go. Our actual nurse came in shortly and sent High Speed Nurse away! By this point it was already noon and we asked about timing. She told us we'd be in surgery for an hour and then in recovery for an hour, so we texted my parents and our photographer to let them know they did not need to arrive at 2:15pm after all! Then she explained that the goal was to cut me at 1:30pm so we'd start walking down to the OR at 1:00pm. It was then with an IV in my left wrist that I told RCW I would NOT be taking my history quiz prior to Baby W2's arrival. We agreed that he would take the laptop, my jacket and a few other belongings back to our car. But before he left, while we were alone he took an audio recording of Baby W2's heartbeat. When RCW left and I was alone, I prayed and talked to Baby W2 about how excited I was to meet him/her and everything I wished for them. Then there began a constant flow of people popping in to meet me - the anesthesiologist, Kangaroo care nurse who explained once Baby W2 was out and deemed healthy they would put him/her on my chest for skin to skin (this did not happen with C and his emergency c-section) and our nurse kept coming in and out to answer questions, check monitors and my IV and give me some salty-sweet concoction which she definitely described perfectly as tasting like super sweetarts laced in salt! During the visits in and out, I was told that I was c-section #6 of the day and up until me all deliveries had been boys! The Kangaroo nurse and our nurse took bets on what we were having since we were a Surprise Baby. Kangaroo nurse went with trend and guessed boy, our nurse said girl, but then she had me stand up and looked at my bare backside. I was so confused about what was happening! She even called the Kangaroo nurse over to check out my bare back. She then changed her guess to boy saying my hips didn't look pregnant, that I was just belly so she was going with boy too. However, hearing that all 5 previous c-sections were boy, I was feeling more and more Baby W2 was going to be a little miss instead of mister!
During all of this, I just kept saying to RCW how incredibly different this was from C's arrival!
The highlight of this time in triage was when the nurse brought in RCW's outfit. With C, he was given scrubs and thought the same would happen again. He was given a one piece tissue thin white jumpsuit, along with shoe covers, mouth mask and hat. Watching RCW wearing his sweatpants and tshirt get himself into the size XL jumpsuit was the highlight. I was dying laughing! I mean tears coming to my eyes and having to clean mascara off my face laughing! I told him he looked like C when we try to squeeze him into his 12 month PJs instead of his 18 month ones! Within minutes, RCW had holes at the shoulders and crotch area of the jumpsuit.
Quickly after this all happened and I was cleaned up again, the nurse came in and said it was time to walk to the OR. Again, last time I was rolled at fast pace down hallways to the OR. It was a scene from Grey's Anatomy! This time it was just a leisurely walk in an open-backed gown with a sheet pulled around my back like a cape holding onto a pillow while wearing a hair net on my head, no slip socks on my feet and compression braces on my legs and a nurse rolling my IV beside me. When we got to the OR hallway, we greeted my OB, Dr. N and I said goodbye to RCW for a few minutes.
I walked into the bright, sterile, gray OR. It was buzzing with activity, but it was so quiet. The nurse helped me climb up onto the OR table and she hooked up everything from my blood pressure cuff to heart rate monitors. While this was happening others were counting supplies. I wanted to tell them to make sure to count correctly to avoid any miscounts this time, but I decided to just keep my mouth shut! The anesthesiologist started to prep me for my spinal, which I was super nervous about. The nurse came over, told me to hold my pillow, roll my shoulders and put my chin into my neck while bending over. The anesthesiologist told me everything she was doing from cleaning and sterilizing my back with a super cold solution, pressing her fingernail to mark the spot she was going to inject the numbing agent, which stung like heck and then told me I shouldn't feel anything else but pressure. And yes, I felt pressure and told them it was worse on the right side. Even though it felt much longer, I know pretty quickly it was over and it wasn't that bad after all. They had me lay down and I felt stupid asking if I was going to pull anything because with C the epidural left a tube in my back, this time there was nothing. Duh! They strapped down my arms and inserted oxygen into my nose. My nurse told me she was getting the catheter ready and I asked at least twice if I would feel anything because my legs weren't complete numb yet. She assured me by the time it was ready to insert I would be numb and she was right - just pressure again. I thought everything was going to be numb so I was silently worried about the fact that I could still move my hands and fingers, but I was more concerned about the intense urge to vomit that was overtaking me. The anesthesiologist asked how I felt and I told her I was feeling very very sick! She put a tiny puke bucket by my head and I prayed I wouldn't need to throw up! She inserted meds into my IV and I quickly started to feel relief. She told me later she thought I wasn't doing so great because I had gone pale. The same thing happened with C when they added the extra to my epidural. The nurse put up the blue paper curtain and my OB came in. I quickly asked her about RCW cutting the cord and she said he couldn't cut Baby W2 loose from me, but she would leave extra and he could trim it up. I knew RCW would be excited!! She also told me that she had told RCW that he would be the one to tell me boy or girl since she knew RCW would be watching the surgery like he did with C. Then she requested some music because the OR was so quiet and told them to let the Daddy come inside!
RCW was by my side and holding my hand. And I kept telling him to get the camera ready and to stand up and watch. He said he didn't think it was time and Dr. N said it was time and if he wanted to see, he better stand up! RCW stood up, I closed my eyes (because I could see reflections of things in the overhead lights) and listened to the music which was on a local country station, Baby W2 was born to Downtown by Lady Antebellum. I heard RCW snapping pictures and then all of sudden I heard crying! And then I started crying. Within seconds RCW was telling me it was a boy! I asked him to confirm that Baby W2 was a boy and he said yes! And more tears of happiness and joy! Smiles and kisses from RCW. Someone told me to look to my left to see R before they took him to check out. He was covered in goo and huge and gorgeous! Such pure happiness!
RCW disappeared to go take pictures of R being weighed and checked out and to trim his cord. The nurses were great and took pictures of RCW trimming the cord too. Then RCW came back over with the Kangaroo nurse carrying R over. She pulled down my gown and put that sweet little baby on my chest and my heart melted into a giant puddle. R had been screaming and as soon as he was on my chest and she released my right arm to hold him in place he calmed down. My littlest man! I just held him and felt his warm little body on mine and kept my eyes shut because I could still see reflections in the overhead lights! RCW took pictures and we had the nurse take our first family shot. It was pure bliss. During all of this, the doctors and nurses were just chatting about my OB's upcoming Spring Break to the Bahamas and shark attacks. My OB kept reassuring me that it was a good sign that they were just chit chatting because everything was going so well!
Then they told me it was time to move so they took R, wrapped him up and gave him RCW while they rotated me from the OR table to a bed to move to recovery. RCW carried R and they rolled me into the recovery room and put R back on my chest after checking his heart rate and temperature. This time recovery was much calmer without any X-rays or heat blankets. It was much easier. The only thing that happened this time was my nose and chin itched like crazy! They said it was from the morphine from the spinal tap. Every few seconds I was scratching my face. I told RCW I was going to be red and raw when our photog was there to take pictures because it was so bad!
Poor RCW, he looked sad because this time around he had barely been able to hold R. With C, and with all my of issues and the emergency surgery I barely held C until about 2 hours after his birth. R got to hold him the whole time and bond. It was the opposite this time around with R and RCW admitted that while he was glad we were having skin to skin time, he missed out on holding R! We tried breastfeeding in recovery and R latched right away. And then it was time to be moved to our post partum room. It felt like time was flying by! We asked about people seeing us rolling through the hallways and since no one knew yet that R was a boy, and we would pass by the waiting area, he stayed skin to skin with me and we covered up his blue cap with the blankets. Its always a surreal moment being rolled from recovery to post partum because its a long walk through the hallways and a ride on an elevator during what seems like a private intimate moment, yet strangers are there in the hallways too and offering congratulations to you too.
We got into our post partum room, #308, which was right down the hallway from our post partum room with C, #313. I was able to feel my legs enough by this point to get into the new bed with little help from the nurses. They checked me out and then began checking out R. At this point, RCW had our photog, Sarah come in so she could capture R's feet stamping and first bath. Once this all happened, the nurses gave us some time so we could introduce C to R. I had R skin to skin to help regulate his body temperature and Sarah and RCW went to get C from my parents. Sarah snapped pictures as RCW brought C into the room and we introduced our two boys to one another. Again, such bliss! After some pictures and some time as a family of 4, we let my parents come in to introduce them to R and finally announce it was a boy!
Sarah took some more pictures and then she left. My parents stayed with C for a bit, but it was getting to be his dinner time and he was melting so they left. Then it was just RCW, R and I alone. We finally sent out text messages to our family and friends to announce R's arrival and stats. Thank goodness everyone was patient, but it was important to me that C met his baby brother before we started sharing our news with everyone else. And many thanks to my lovely blog readers and Facebook friends because I know I took forever to post the news online! It was a long afternoon and evening and we just didn't want to feel rushed or pressured like we had with C.
We spent Thursday night trying to nurse, insurance pumping, finally eating jello, chicken broth and apple juice and then RCW went out to get some real dinner. We watched Gray's Anatomy, during which I fell asleep and then we spent Thursday night taking shifts of feeding and sleeping and cuddling R who we knew was a night owl from early on based on his in-womb late night antics!
R's birth story is so different, yet still feels familiar to C's. With both being c-sections, just very differently handled, but both in the same hospital and same hallways and rooms. It was nice to have that familiarity and feel like we knew what to expect and anticipate on this second time around! We had a lovely 2 day stay in the hospital before I started begging to come home on Saturday. RCW and I feel so blessed to have our 2 boys. Ahhh, boys!! R, we love you so much, you have made both of our hearts grow and feel even more full with love for you and C! Welcome to our little family R!
*****
Where to start? At the very beginning I suppose...
After our Tuesday, March 26 OB 38 week checkup confirmed that we were having our baby on Thursday, things got really real! I went into hardcore nesting and getting ready mode. Tuesday and Wednesday were spent cleaning, catching up on schoolwork, getting extra snuggles and kisses from C, lots of tears on Wednesday from mommy guilt of wondering if we were totally rocking his world with the addition of a sibling, massive anxiety about what Baby W2 would be, boy or girl, seriously, I was super stressed about Baby W2 being a girl and how that would rock our worlds as a girl would be a big change from raising C this past year, packing for the hospital and trying to sleep and rest.
Thursday morning RCW and I woke up and took care of C as usual. RCW and C had breakfast as I couldn't eat anything from midnight on. Then I showered, got ready with putting on makeup and blow drying my hair, taking my 38 week belly picture, packing up our final hospital necessities and running around like a crazy lady! We spent from about 10am until 11am playing with C and we took a final picture of our little family of 6 (RCW, me, C + 3 pups!). At 11am, we packed up the car and I gave C a super long tear filled hug and told him we'd see him a few hours. Then we loaded up and headed to the hospital where we were suppose to check in at 11:30am for our 1:30pm c-section.
We arrived at the hospital, parked on level 5 of the deck and started our walk to delivering Baby W2! I was super silly and didn't know what all surgery prep would entail since I had never done this before. I had a history quiz that was available from noon Thursday to noon Friday, so I told RCW I wanted to bring the laptop and I would take my quiz before having the baby so I wouldn't have to worry about it post baby's arrival Thursday night or Friday morning. He told me I was crazy, but obliged and lugged the laptop with us. We realized after walking from the car to the hospital entrance on level 5 that level 5 was not an entrance to the hospital, the elevator wasn't working and so we ended up walking down a flight of stairs to level 4 where we found another note that instructed us we had to go down to level 1 to get to the main hospital entrance in order to access Labor and Delivery. So down the stairs we went, followed by a long winding hallway walk to the front of the hospital to access the main elevators. I was feeling 38 weeks pregnant after that walk as RCW stayed a few feet ahead of me! We got to the main elevators and got up to the L&D floor. We walked into registration and realized everything had changed since C's delivery just a year ago! They asked for my name, sent me to the restroom and then put me in a triage room. I suppose I thought I'd be in a L&D room before surgery like with C, but alas I was in a teeny tiny triage room, #7. I got into the lovely gown and sat in bed.
Quickly a registration nurse rolled in with a computer to get my signature on a million different waivers and contracts, which the nurse didn't know how to use. Apparently the hospital got a new computer system just a month ago and everyone was still learning how to use it. We asked about making our payment based on a call I received Wednesday telling us we'd have to pay a deposit if we didn't want to pay the whole sum, but again, the nurse didn't know anything about this, nor how to use the system. She ended up coming back 3 times to work with RCW to make our payment and even had her superior come and in the end nothing worked and they said they'd send us a bill. Good grief!
After that happened, another nurse came in and started to go a mile a minute. RCW was making fun of her the whole time, she was level 10! She had me sign more papers, got me hooked up to heart rate monitors for me and Baby W2, prepped and shaved some peachfuzz from where the incision would be (while cutting me!) and put in my IV. Thankfully, she was NOT our nurse and was just getting us started because she was just go-go-go. Our actual nurse came in shortly and sent High Speed Nurse away! By this point it was already noon and we asked about timing. She told us we'd be in surgery for an hour and then in recovery for an hour, so we texted my parents and our photographer to let them know they did not need to arrive at 2:15pm after all! Then she explained that the goal was to cut me at 1:30pm so we'd start walking down to the OR at 1:00pm. It was then with an IV in my left wrist that I told RCW I would NOT be taking my history quiz prior to Baby W2's arrival. We agreed that he would take the laptop, my jacket and a few other belongings back to our car. But before he left, while we were alone he took an audio recording of Baby W2's heartbeat. When RCW left and I was alone, I prayed and talked to Baby W2 about how excited I was to meet him/her and everything I wished for them. Then there began a constant flow of people popping in to meet me - the anesthesiologist, Kangaroo care nurse who explained once Baby W2 was out and deemed healthy they would put him/her on my chest for skin to skin (this did not happen with C and his emergency c-section) and our nurse kept coming in and out to answer questions, check monitors and my IV and give me some salty-sweet concoction which she definitely described perfectly as tasting like super sweetarts laced in salt! During the visits in and out, I was told that I was c-section #6 of the day and up until me all deliveries had been boys! The Kangaroo nurse and our nurse took bets on what we were having since we were a Surprise Baby. Kangaroo nurse went with trend and guessed boy, our nurse said girl, but then she had me stand up and looked at my bare backside. I was so confused about what was happening! She even called the Kangaroo nurse over to check out my bare back. She then changed her guess to boy saying my hips didn't look pregnant, that I was just belly so she was going with boy too. However, hearing that all 5 previous c-sections were boy, I was feeling more and more Baby W2 was going to be a little miss instead of mister!
During all of this, I just kept saying to RCW how incredibly different this was from C's arrival!
The highlight of this time in triage was when the nurse brought in RCW's outfit. With C, he was given scrubs and thought the same would happen again. He was given a one piece tissue thin white jumpsuit, along with shoe covers, mouth mask and hat. Watching RCW wearing his sweatpants and tshirt get himself into the size XL jumpsuit was the highlight. I was dying laughing! I mean tears coming to my eyes and having to clean mascara off my face laughing! I told him he looked like C when we try to squeeze him into his 12 month PJs instead of his 18 month ones! Within minutes, RCW had holes at the shoulders and crotch area of the jumpsuit.
Quickly after this all happened and I was cleaned up again, the nurse came in and said it was time to walk to the OR. Again, last time I was rolled at fast pace down hallways to the OR. It was a scene from Grey's Anatomy! This time it was just a leisurely walk in an open-backed gown with a sheet pulled around my back like a cape holding onto a pillow while wearing a hair net on my head, no slip socks on my feet and compression braces on my legs and a nurse rolling my IV beside me. When we got to the OR hallway, we greeted my OB, Dr. N and I said goodbye to RCW for a few minutes.
I walked into the bright, sterile, gray OR. It was buzzing with activity, but it was so quiet. The nurse helped me climb up onto the OR table and she hooked up everything from my blood pressure cuff to heart rate monitors. While this was happening others were counting supplies. I wanted to tell them to make sure to count correctly to avoid any miscounts this time, but I decided to just keep my mouth shut! The anesthesiologist started to prep me for my spinal, which I was super nervous about. The nurse came over, told me to hold my pillow, roll my shoulders and put my chin into my neck while bending over. The anesthesiologist told me everything she was doing from cleaning and sterilizing my back with a super cold solution, pressing her fingernail to mark the spot she was going to inject the numbing agent, which stung like heck and then told me I shouldn't feel anything else but pressure. And yes, I felt pressure and told them it was worse on the right side. Even though it felt much longer, I know pretty quickly it was over and it wasn't that bad after all. They had me lay down and I felt stupid asking if I was going to pull anything because with C the epidural left a tube in my back, this time there was nothing. Duh! They strapped down my arms and inserted oxygen into my nose. My nurse told me she was getting the catheter ready and I asked at least twice if I would feel anything because my legs weren't complete numb yet. She assured me by the time it was ready to insert I would be numb and she was right - just pressure again. I thought everything was going to be numb so I was silently worried about the fact that I could still move my hands and fingers, but I was more concerned about the intense urge to vomit that was overtaking me. The anesthesiologist asked how I felt and I told her I was feeling very very sick! She put a tiny puke bucket by my head and I prayed I wouldn't need to throw up! She inserted meds into my IV and I quickly started to feel relief. She told me later she thought I wasn't doing so great because I had gone pale. The same thing happened with C when they added the extra to my epidural. The nurse put up the blue paper curtain and my OB came in. I quickly asked her about RCW cutting the cord and she said he couldn't cut Baby W2 loose from me, but she would leave extra and he could trim it up. I knew RCW would be excited!! She also told me that she had told RCW that he would be the one to tell me boy or girl since she knew RCW would be watching the surgery like he did with C. Then she requested some music because the OR was so quiet and told them to let the Daddy come inside!
RCW was by my side and holding my hand. And I kept telling him to get the camera ready and to stand up and watch. He said he didn't think it was time and Dr. N said it was time and if he wanted to see, he better stand up! RCW stood up, I closed my eyes (because I could see reflections of things in the overhead lights) and listened to the music which was on a local country station, Baby W2 was born to Downtown by Lady Antebellum. I heard RCW snapping pictures and then all of sudden I heard crying! And then I started crying. Within seconds RCW was telling me it was a boy! I asked him to confirm that Baby W2 was a boy and he said yes! And more tears of happiness and joy! Smiles and kisses from RCW. Someone told me to look to my left to see R before they took him to check out. He was covered in goo and huge and gorgeous! Such pure happiness!
RCW disappeared to go take pictures of R being weighed and checked out and to trim his cord. The nurses were great and took pictures of RCW trimming the cord too. Then RCW came back over with the Kangaroo nurse carrying R over. She pulled down my gown and put that sweet little baby on my chest and my heart melted into a giant puddle. R had been screaming and as soon as he was on my chest and she released my right arm to hold him in place he calmed down. My littlest man! I just held him and felt his warm little body on mine and kept my eyes shut because I could still see reflections in the overhead lights! RCW took pictures and we had the nurse take our first family shot. It was pure bliss. During all of this, the doctors and nurses were just chatting about my OB's upcoming Spring Break to the Bahamas and shark attacks. My OB kept reassuring me that it was a good sign that they were just chit chatting because everything was going so well!
Then they told me it was time to move so they took R, wrapped him up and gave him RCW while they rotated me from the OR table to a bed to move to recovery. RCW carried R and they rolled me into the recovery room and put R back on my chest after checking his heart rate and temperature. This time recovery was much calmer without any X-rays or heat blankets. It was much easier. The only thing that happened this time was my nose and chin itched like crazy! They said it was from the morphine from the spinal tap. Every few seconds I was scratching my face. I told RCW I was going to be red and raw when our photog was there to take pictures because it was so bad!
Poor RCW, he looked sad because this time around he had barely been able to hold R. With C, and with all my of issues and the emergency surgery I barely held C until about 2 hours after his birth. R got to hold him the whole time and bond. It was the opposite this time around with R and RCW admitted that while he was glad we were having skin to skin time, he missed out on holding R! We tried breastfeeding in recovery and R latched right away. And then it was time to be moved to our post partum room. It felt like time was flying by! We asked about people seeing us rolling through the hallways and since no one knew yet that R was a boy, and we would pass by the waiting area, he stayed skin to skin with me and we covered up his blue cap with the blankets. Its always a surreal moment being rolled from recovery to post partum because its a long walk through the hallways and a ride on an elevator during what seems like a private intimate moment, yet strangers are there in the hallways too and offering congratulations to you too.
We got into our post partum room, #308, which was right down the hallway from our post partum room with C, #313. I was able to feel my legs enough by this point to get into the new bed with little help from the nurses. They checked me out and then began checking out R. At this point, RCW had our photog, Sarah come in so she could capture R's feet stamping and first bath. Once this all happened, the nurses gave us some time so we could introduce C to R. I had R skin to skin to help regulate his body temperature and Sarah and RCW went to get C from my parents. Sarah snapped pictures as RCW brought C into the room and we introduced our two boys to one another. Again, such bliss! After some pictures and some time as a family of 4, we let my parents come in to introduce them to R and finally announce it was a boy!
Sarah took some more pictures and then she left. My parents stayed with C for a bit, but it was getting to be his dinner time and he was melting so they left. Then it was just RCW, R and I alone. We finally sent out text messages to our family and friends to announce R's arrival and stats. Thank goodness everyone was patient, but it was important to me that C met his baby brother before we started sharing our news with everyone else. And many thanks to my lovely blog readers and Facebook friends because I know I took forever to post the news online! It was a long afternoon and evening and we just didn't want to feel rushed or pressured like we had with C.
We spent Thursday night trying to nurse, insurance pumping, finally eating jello, chicken broth and apple juice and then RCW went out to get some real dinner. We watched Gray's Anatomy, during which I fell asleep and then we spent Thursday night taking shifts of feeding and sleeping and cuddling R who we knew was a night owl from early on based on his in-womb late night antics!
R's birth story is so different, yet still feels familiar to C's. With both being c-sections, just very differently handled, but both in the same hospital and same hallways and rooms. It was nice to have that familiarity and feel like we knew what to expect and anticipate on this second time around! We had a lovely 2 day stay in the hospital before I started begging to come home on Saturday. RCW and I feel so blessed to have our 2 boys. Ahhh, boys!! R, we love you so much, you have made both of our hearts grow and feel even more full with love for you and C! Welcome to our little family R!
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