waiting, trusting and hoping

I posted on IG last night (if you don't follow me there, you should.  I post there more frequently and with more personal life stuff than here or Fb lately - StephBWill).

These devotionals have been so perfect and helped me over the past few weeks.  That little face making a cameo has too (along with his brother and their daddy!) ❤️ I'm going off the grid for a couple days as we process and heal.  We found out our October babe didn't make it this morning.  He/she tried and grew over the past 2 weeks, but there was no longer a heartbeat.  Thanks for all of yall's prayers and support!  We know God has a plan for us and are waiting, trusting and hoping in Him.

*****

Just wanted to share with everyone who only knows me through the blogosphere. A mere few hours later and RCW and I doing well.  We originally intended to have a D&C on Tuesday to attempt to find out answers.  But after the drive home from Cincinnati to Louisville, we changed our minds, especially after RCW spoke with a nurse about it.  A D&C is surgery.  Surgery that would have to be done in Cincinnati.  Surgery that we don't know how much insurance would cover, if any.  Surgery we don't have anyone to watch our boys so we'd be dragging them along for a day at the hospital.  And surgery with the sole purpose to try and find answers for our fertility treatments.  But those answers are not guaranteed.  There is no way to know if anything would come from the baby's tissue in the testing.  It may tell us if it was a boy or a girl.  It may tell us if he/she had something genetically wrong which caused it's little heart to stop beating.  But to be perfectly honest, I don't know if I want those answers or not.  This babe was made the old fashioned way and well, RCW and I know we don't make babies on our own very well.  We do much better utilizing medical intervention!  My heart knows this baby didn't make it because it wasn't healthy and I don't think I need to know if it was a boy or a girl.  Especially when that involves surgery in a different city and dragging the boys with me and asking RCW to take a day off work.  The D&C results wouldn't change any of our fertility treatment plans going forward - this pregnancy was natural so anything gleamed from the D&C would just be about the babe in general, not telling us if perhaps we should stop doing IUIs and go to IVF (which we won't).  So, we decided to not have a D&C.  I'm bleeding today.  I think I'll miscarry naturally today or tomorrow anyway.  I had started spotting on Tuesday and once I saw that I felt like I knew it was the end.  If I don't miscarry by Saturday night after our 5pm church service, I'll take some medicine late Saturday night before bed that will induce the miscarriage within 8-12 hours.  Next week, I'll go back to the RE for a final scan and start blood betas to watch my levels drop back down to zero.  Then we'll wait 8-10 weeks for my body and our hearts to heal.

Now, past the medical stuff and onto the emotional.

I'm at peace about this baby.  Despite feeling good about it and thinking we'd be bringing a baby home in late October just in time for the holiday season and trying to pick out a boy name with RCW, I'm at peace.  I truly believe the baby wasn't healthy and it just wasn't meant to be. 

The part I'm struggling with is the why and what's next.  Why back to back miscarriages?  Why are we losing baby after baby? Why see the heartbeat only to lose it 2 weeks later?  These are questions I'll never know the answers to and questions that could drive me crazy. Despite having these questions, it hasn't been lost on me that we may have never even known about this little life though.

I'll be perfectly honest and say that with the November miscarriage I wondered if God was trying to tell us to be done with our family.  To know how blessed we are with the boys and know our family is complete.  But both RCW and I want more children.  Ideally, we'd like 4.  That has never wavered for us.  Picking out a time to try, looking at finances - those are considerations we take into planning our family, but if money wasn't an issue, we'd have 4 babies, no questions asked.  When this pregnancy happened, I began to wonder the same question again - is God trying to tell us to be done?  

RCW never felt that way.  He doesn't believe God would tell us our family was complete by continuing to hurt us and have us lose babies.

With this loss, I don't find myself asking that question.  I know we want more and we have $700 worth of fertility drugs in our fridge that we will be using later in 2014 to try an IUI cycle again to have more.

With this loss, I find myself pulled and comforted by the fact that God helped us to know this life existed.  If RCW hadn't casually mentioned in early January that maybe we should try for a baby sooner than later, we more than likely would have never known.  I took a pregnancy test on January 30 - it was negative.  I was bleeding enough in early February to believe it was my cycle.  Had we not decided to try for Baby W3, I wouldn't have gone to our RE.  I would have had a light cycle for a few days and gone about life as usual.  My symptoms weren't strong enough to make me think anything out of the ordinary - RCW traveled for 2 weeks for work and I was a single mom - exhaustion was my new normal those weeks!  Our schedule was off, my sleep habits were off, our eating habits were off - the slight nausea and carb craving would have seemed normal too given our situation.  I'm bleeding now again and I would've thought it was my wonky cycle coming back 4-5 weeks after it's last random appearance.  If we had not decided to try now, I'm fairly confident we would've missed this.  Missed knowing we created a life with a teeny tiny heartbeat naturally.  Missing the excitement, the emotions, the thrill of preparing to welcome a baby into the world again.  Missed those feelings of bliss at the thought of having a squishy newborn and thrill of wondering boy or girl.  We would've missed it all.  But we didn't.  While the roller coaster isn't all big exciting downhill thrills, those thrills make the long slow uphill trudge worth it.  I'm learning to find comfort in the fact that this small part of our story wasn't meant to be Baby W3 coming home in October, but a piece to give us hope and inspire us to continue trying to build the family we want.  And well, if that doesn't happen down here on Earth, we will have our large family when we reach heaven one day!

We will more than likely try in May or June with an IUI injectable cycle.  It isn't lost on me that that was our original gameplan last fall anyway to try to have a baby in February or March 2015 around C's3rd birthday and E's 2nd.  And here we are, plopped right into that timing. 

I still have moments of doubt, moments of confusion and feeling lost.  Moments where I'm not sure what to pray for or why this happened the way it did or what we should be doing next, but overall the timing of everything, the pure way the roller coaster played out this time, none of that is lost on me and I'm choosing to have that be my takeaway from this instead of the fleeting moments of doubt.

Thank you for all of your prayers - your comments, Fb messages, emails.  Thank you!  I know you are a community who understands all too well.  I appreciate your support more than words can express. I'm going to end this with a Bible verse I'm obviously meant to see and soak in.  A friend emailed it to me and another posted it on Fb all within 20 minutes of each other - Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

The Story of Our June Baby

Disclaimer: Writing is cathartic for me.  Writing is a way for me to share my feelings, my emotions and to remember tiny details that matter to no one but me.  I've always been brutally honest on my blog.  Please keep that in mind if you choose to read this.  There are some semi-graphic details. But if you've been a reader, you know I shared images of C and E being pulled from my belly during a c-section.  Nothing I've written is that graphic in a medical sense, but perhaps graphic in an emotional sense.  I have posts that I wrote along the way with this pregnancy. Posts that I thought I would share when we publicly announced we were expecting Baby W3.  But those posts don't seem right to post anymore.  Those posts, like with previous stories from C and E, were meant for Baby W3 to read to know her story.  Instead, I've written a letter of sorts to Baby W3.  To me.  To you.  To whomever reads this.  It shares the highs and the lows from the very beginning to the very end.  It's long, because if you've read my blog you already know brevity isn't my strong suit!

*****

Dear Baby W3,

Where to even begin?  I honestly don't know.  Since I was pregnant with E, I was talking about you.  Once we had E, I was waiting for my first post partum cycle.  I was hoping and praying I had been magically healed and we'd get pregnant on our own.  I was taking ovulation tests over the summer.  I was talking to RCW (your daddy) about when we should visit our fertility doctors.  We were trying.  We were trying to make you.  Unfortunately, despite 2 successful pregnancies and 2 healthy babies, I was not cured.  We weren't going to be one of those couples this time.  We were going to need medical help again.  We wanted you.  So badly.

In mid to late August we waited.  We waited and we waited for my next cycle to start.  The cycle that was going to be YOUR cycle.  The cycle that we would call the doctors to get the ball rolling.  We waited.  28 days passed.  30 days passed.  35 days passed. I even peed on a stick to see if we'd gotten lucky on our own.  Nope.  We started talking about calling the doctor to take medicine to start my cycle.  We waivered.  We thought maybe NOT getting my cycle was a sign.  Maybe we weren't suppose to try for you.  We started to have doubts.  Were we being selfish to try for another baby when we already had C and E?  Could we handle 3 under 3?  We went back and forth with pros and cons for a good week.  I prayed to God.  I prayed for an answer, for a sign.  We didn't know what to do.

Then on September 3, RCW's birthday, my cycle came.  On its own.  This was it.  I truly believed it was the sign I had been praying for.  I mean on RCW's birthday after a good 40+ days?!  I excitedly called RCW at work and told him and asked, "Do I call our RE?"  He said, "Yes!".  The next day I was en route to Cincinnati with C and E in tow for a baseline ultrasound.  Let me tell you, walking into a fertility clinic with 2 under 2 is probably one of the most awkward First World problems there is!  I didn't get to see our beloved Dr. S, but his partner, Dr. B.  I took this as a bad sign from the get go.  We ALWAYS saw Dr. S.  Dr. S got us C and E.  Dr. B. said things looked good to proceed and started me on the meds, Gonal - F injections and oral Femara.

For my next appointment, I did see Dr. S.  And I left C and E at home for the morning with RCW.  He took a morning off of work to stay home with them.  C was not a fan of the lights being turned off and his momma having an ultrasound.  Bubbles Guppies on the iPad couldn't even drown out his cries.  So they stayed home.  Dr. S confirmed that I was not responding to the meds as well this cycle.  He increased my doses.  He pushed dates back for insemination.  I had to order more Gonal-F.  I felt like a failure that my body was just not working, not even with crazy amounts of hormones.

We all got in the car bright and early around 6:30am on Wednesday, September 18 and drove to Cincinnati.  While I fed breakfast to C and E, did diaper changers and switched them from pjs into play clothes, RCW did his part.  Afterwards, we took C and E to a playground to get some energy out.  C fell, bumped his forehead and got a massive goose egg on his head. It was so bad we Googled concussions, put an ice pack from E's bottle cooler on it and discussed taking him to an ER in Cincinnati.  Could anything go right?!  Ultimately, we didn't take him to a doctor, we all went into the fertility clinic for my 10:30am IUI.  And it wasn't with Dr. S.  But with Dr. B.

I started the dreaded two week wait.  I looked for implantation bleeding.  I overanalyzed every little thing.  Did I feel sick?  Was I tired?  Did my boobs hurt?  Was I warmer than usual?  Was my nose running?  Every little thing.  The weekend before the 2 weeks was up, I almost tested a handful of times, but ultimately held out.  I told myself I would test at 12 days past IUI, when I had tested positive with C, even though I had tested positive with E at 11 days past IUI.  But I held out and waited.  On Monday, September 30, RCW's first day of his new job, I waited to send him off to work and then I peed in a cup and dipped the test stick in it and waited.  Not Pregnant.  I knew it.  I had a feeling it wouldn't work.  Things just had not lined up this cycle.  I was heartbroken.  I felt like a failure again.  I let RCW know.  It was a sad day.  I waited for my cycle to start and wondered what we would do next.

But Baby W3, you had other plans.  Just to be safe, so I could call the RE's office 2 weeks from the IUI, I tested again on Wednesday, October 2.  14 days from IUI.  I had a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, Monday's test was a false negative. Maybe I had implanted late.  Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.  And within seconds, that test flashed PREGNANT!  Oh the joy!  The shock!  The elation!  I was over the moon!  We were going to have a baby!  A June baby!  We were going to be those crazy people with 3 littles under 3!  OMG!  I was so so so happy.  In that moment, I knew how desperately I wanted you.  Why did I ever have doubts?!

I began to plan how to tell RCW the news.  I took some pictures.  A full crib.  It was an inside joke.  I literally put all 3 huskies, 2 babies and myself in C's crib.  Snapped a picture and got it ready to show RCW when he arrived home that night.  Then I called my RE's office and got lab work requests sent to my OB in town to have my beta level drawn.  I got to my OB's at 11am that morning for blood work.  I didn't get the beta results that day, but that night when RCW came home, I told him to scroll through some pictures on my phone from the day.  There was a series of messages telling him he was right (he held out hope and always said we would be pregnant), that we would need a bigger crib, then there was the picture of all of us in the crib and the final picture was a message showing our estimated due date, June 10, 2014.  He was so excited!  Just like me from that morning.  We hugged, kissed and started thinking about you, Baby W3.

The next day, a nurse called with my beta numbers.  33.4.  Super low.  To be pregnant, I needed to get 25 or above.  I did that, just barely.  The OB's nurse was hopeful.  The RE's nurse who called later to share the same news was not.  She'd been there before with too many others.  She was realistic, "Yes, you are pregnant.  For now.  Its a very low number.  Go test again in a week."  I was upset.  The beta was so so so low.  RCW, ever optimistic, told me what I held onto deep in my heart, Baby W3 was a girl.  You implanted late like many scientific studies suggest occur with girls and not boys.  That's why I had a negative test first and then a positive and its why the beta was so low.  Our little girl was here, but just fashionably late.  We held onto that thought for the next week.  All the while, symptoms progressed.  Exhaustion, nausea.  I became a furnace.  We still talked about our June baby and when we would tell people and how we would share the news. 

The following week, on October 9, I went back to my OB and had blood drawn again.  This time I didn't wait a day. I pestered the nurses at both my OB and RE's offices to get same day results.  My beta was 949.9!  I had a doubling time of 36 hours!  It was a great number and both nurses were very pleased!  This was it, we were pregnant with Baby W3!  I scheduled our first ultrasound for October 24 at 7 weeks, 2 days.

Over the next 2 weeks, my symptoms persisted, strongly!  I was so tired ALL day long.  I had waves of nausea hit first thing when I woke up, randomly throughout the day and when I went to bed.  I was STARVING and eating all the chocolate I could find.  My face was breaking out. My boobs got bigger.  My already poochy belly from having had 2 babies in 2 years started to poke out and my stretch marks started to get shiny again.  Seriously.  And I was a moody witch.  Poor RCW.  It was so bad that a dear friend, Auntie S, in the middle of a texting therapy session one day asked semi jokingly if I was pregnant and I couldn't lie to her.  I told her yes.  She was the first person to know.  With all of this, we continued to believe you were a girl.  The symptoms were so different from the boys.  You were causing drama already little girl!  Over those 2 weeks, we talked about looking for bigger houses next fall, getting pink things, would we try for Baby W4, and names.  Although to be fair, we always have names ready because we're crazy like that. We knew you were either going to be TCW or HCW, whether you were the girl we thought you would be or a little boy.  We talked about how I would handle taking 3 under 3 out shopping.  We talked about driving back to Virginia with 3 babies.  We talked about plans for having you on most likely June 3 with a planned c-section.  We started taking weekly bump pictures at 6 weeks to document your growth. We were so incredibly happy and excited to have you!

As October 24 approached, some nerves crept in.  I knew there was a possibility that something could be wrong.  There is always a possibility.  But I pushed it away. RCW didn't worry at all.  So much so, we decided he shouldn't take time off of his new job to attend the ultrasound.  He'd come when we had our first appointment with our OB locally instead of taking half a day off to drive to Northern Kentucky to our RE's satellite office.  He was that confident.

So on October 24, I spent the morning at home playing with C and E.  I fed them lunch and then at 1:30pm we piled in the car and drove to Florence, Kentucky.  I loaded C and E into the double stroller, in snow flurries, and went into the office.  I was put into an exam room.  I got C settled with a snack and Bubble Guppies on the iPad.  I got E settled with Sophie in the stroller and I undressed from the waist down and hopped onto the exam table.  My beloved Dr. S came in.  We did the scan.  Immediately, I looked for 2 babies. There was just 1.  But then within seconds, I knew something didn't look right.  I didn't see anything flickering like with C and E's first scans.  I didn't see a heartbeat.  C was screaming, which lead to E screaming.  Dr. S. finished looking and printing pictures, told me to get dressed and the boys settled and he'd come back to discuss things.  Once we were settled, he told me what I knew.  He didn't see a heartbeat.  He also told me I had a subchorionic hemorrhage, a tear where the placenta had torn away from the uterus wall.  I told him I was fairly certain I had implanted late.  He reassured me that perhaps I wasn't as far along as we thought then.  He reviewed the betas in my chart and said that yes, if I was only 6 weeks along it wasn't an issue that we didn't see a heartbeat.  He told me to expect to bleed due to the tear and to come back in 2 weeks for a second scan and sent me on my way.

As I pushed C and E out to the car and loaded them up, I became anxious.  My fears had been confirmed.  There wasn't a heartbeat.  I immediately tried calling RCW, but he was working in the field.  I couldn't find him.  I cried.  I was heartbroken.  There was not going to be a June baby.  I knew this cycle was crap.  RCW finally called and remained my loving, optimistic husband.  I remained the anxious, worry wart, realistic Stephanie I have always been and I bawled my eyes out on the almost 2 hour drive home.  It was over.  Everything we had hoped and prayed for and wanted was gone just like that.  Then I was angry.  I was angry at myself for pushing to try, I was angry at my body for sucking and not working, I was angry at God because why did He let us get pregnant only to take it away?  Why did He put me, us, through this roller coaster of no, yes, maybe, yes, maybe.  What was He trying to teach?  By the time we got home, I was numb.  I wanted to forget I was pregnant, I wanted to pretend it wasn't true.  I didn't want to think about anything else until our next ultrasound on November 7.

Another two week wait.  Every time I went to the bathroom I was anxious. Would I see blood?  Were my symptoms getting better, or worse? What was happening?  The tears came in waves.  I'd be fine, but then I'd put E down for a nap and see my sleeping baby boy and I'd lose it.  I'd kneel and pray and cry.  I begged and pleaded many times over the next 2 weeks with God to please please please save you, Baby W3.  Then I would pray for peace, for strength, for His love to get me through this.  Between October 24 and November 6, I processed and accepted that more than likely we would not be bringing home a baby in June.  I had set my mind to the fact that we would all go, including RCW this time, to the appointment on November 7, not see a heartbeat and Dr. S would prescribe some meds to induce labor and miscarry at home.  I had planned to have our 2013 Christmas card pictures taken at home at 9am Saturday, November 9 and then by 10am I would have popped the pills and started the cycle of a drug induced miscarriage.  This was my reality.  I would rather be heartbroken now with only a small glimmer of hope for something different than to live like things were great and go through heartbreak all over again come our next appointment.  RCW didn't function like that.  From the get go, he maintained we had 3 littles.  He never gave up, he never let go of hope, he believed his baby girl would make it and prove her momma wrong.  Unfortunately, because of that mentality things hit him a bit harder than me when it occurred.

Because we did lose you, Baby W3.  You are no longer with us.  But it wasn't due to medicine.  No, my body finally did something right.  Ironic, isn't it?  After spotting for a few days, which I now assume was the tear bleeding out, I took it easy ALL day Wednesday, November 6.  I didn't bleed all day long.  I was amazed.  I even began to think maybe, just maybe, things would be ok.  C took an extra long nap that day.  Before I went to get him up at 5pm, I went to the bathroom.  And it had started. I was bleeding heavily. I wasn't cramping or hurting, but I knew it was beginning.  I got C up, I called RCW and asked when he would be home and I started to cook dinner.  By 5:30pm, I was in pain.  But RCW wasn't home yet and now E was up too.  I had 2 babies and dinner on the stove cooking.  I couldn't crawl into a ball in bed and hide under the covers.  I kept frequenting the bathroom, bleeding and passing clots.  I kept locking C out which elicited tears and knocks on the door because he is never locked out of the bathroom from me.  But he didn't need to see what I was seeing.  E played happily on the living room floor all the while.  RCW finally arrived home and told me to go to bed.  But I didn't.  I had to eat.  And it wasn't fair to burden him with feeding both boys dinner.  I was going to be cramping and in pain whether I was laying in bed or sitting at the dinner table eating with my family.  I chose to eat and have our regularly scheduled family dinner.    The night went on as usual, dinner, clean up, playing in the living room, pjs and bed.  We cut a few corners that night such as bath and books and bedtime came a bit quicker than usual.  During it all I was having pretty severe contraction like cramps and running to the bathroom every so often. 

Once the boys were down for the night, I didn't know what had passed or hadn't.  I knew our doctor would ask if we saw you, Baby W3, pass.  I kept looking, but couldn't distinguish anything.  RCW and I cuddled up on the sofa while I sat on a towel, a chuck pad that I had left over from E's c-section and we watched New Girl on DVR.  It was a hilarious episode, as most are.  But this one was funny!  So here's the thing with what I experienced losing you.  The sensation of something falling out of you, ie: all the clots, is not a fun experience for me.  I didn't like it.  I didn't like it at all.  And everytime I coughed, laughed or sneezed more would fall out.  As RCW and I sat watching New Girl to keep us laughing and not too focused on what was happening, RCW made me laugh.  He mocked a scene in the show and made me laugh hard.  And then I flinched and said, "Oh crap! More just fell out of me because you made me laugh!"  He paused the show, helped me gather all my towels around myself so I wouldn't leak on the floor and I waddled off to the bathroom. 

As I sat down and pulled down my pants, I saw you.  You had fallen out of me during that big belly laugh caused by your daddy.  You left us at 9 weeks, 1 day on Wednesday, November 6 around 8:30pm. I LOST it.  I wasn't laughing anymore, I was crying as hard as I've ever cried before.  It was over.  It was really, truly, no doubt about it, over.  You were gone.  Our Baby W3 was gone.  RCW heard me crying and came down the hallway.  I hadn't wanted him to see you, but I couldn't move.  I was just sitting there, hands over my face weeping for you, for me, for him.  Time seemed to stand still.  As soon as RCW came into the bathroom, he lost it.  And hearing your daddy cry real guttural tears.  Sigh.  It just made me cry that much harder.  He leaned over and held me and we cried together.  We didn't speak.  I don't know what he was thinking.  Heck, I'm not even sure I know what I was thinking.  We were grieving for you, our June baby.  Its a moment I will never forget and it was a moment that brought RCW and I together, stronger, more connected.  Babies do that.  Losing your baby together does that too.  Eventually, RCW went into action.  He helped me take off my pants and he folded things up and helped me clean up.  As he was moving you, I made myself speak.  I didn't know what he was going to do with you, but I knew I wanted to take you to the doctor tomorrow to inquire about running genetic testing to see if we could figure out why we lost you.  I simply stated in a whisper, "Maybe we should take it with us tomorrow."  RCW didn't say a word, he just continued to hide you from our sight and tucked you away for safe keeping in the bathroom.

We didn't finish New Girl that night.  We silently got ready for bed and turned off the lights and we both cried some more while holding each other.  We said I love you and each eventually went to sleep at some point.  We were together, but I knew RCW was shutting down.  He needed to process.  He needed to mourn on his own. He needed to not talk.  And for once, I didn't push him.

The next morning, Thursday, November 7, we tried to go about as usual.  I was sad.  But I had a strange sense of relief.  The limbo of the past few weeks of not knowing anything for sure, of going back and forth, had taken its toll on me and now I knew.  I was sad and I cried and I wanted you back.  But it was time to mourn now.  There were no more questions.  I knew the facts, finally.  I didn't like them, but I had relief that I knew them.  I texted and emailed some close momma friends to share the news.  I posted a Facebook status asking for prayers for us and sharing the verse that always gets me through our infertility journey, "For I know the plans I have for you," declared the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and future."  Jeremiah 29:11.  I emailed our parents and siblings.  I made bottles, made breakfast and took care of C and E.  I was still cramping and passing clots, but I had to be a momma to C and E.  They left very little time for me to wallow in self pity!  After lunch, I packed us all up in the car and after a pit stop at Three Dog Bakery to get pill pockets for Dallas, we went to pick up RCW from work.  It was time to head to our appointment.

Traffic was horrible.  We were 30 minutes late after getting off the interstate and taking back roads to get around the huge construction backup on 71.  We finally arrived and I told the nurse we had lost you.  We got settled in our exam room and Dr. S came in.  He greeted us, gave us his condolences and then he got to work.  In a painful and unexpected twist, he helped the final stages of the miscarriage along by cleaning me out.  It was more painful than either c-section and I was so thankful RCW decided to still attend so he was able to keep C and E occupied.  In hindsight, I'm glad he did it as I think I would have continued to be cramping and hurting for a couple more days if he hadn't.  But it was a physically painful experience, especially considering I wasn't anticipating it!  After he cleaned my cervix, he performed an ultrasound to check everything out.  He medically confirmed what we already knew, we had lost you.  But medically, things looked right. That was a silver lining.  After the exam, we discussed the next steps.  Dr. S said we could try again in January after a couple months of healing.  Dr. S said he would still perform IUI with shots on me since we know they can lead to healthy pregnancies and healthy babies.  We told him we had you, Baby W3, in the car and asked about genetic testing.  He didn't think it necessary and unfortunately since we were in their satellite office he didn't have the proper tools to take you from us.  We accepted it, even though we had been hoping for more.  Perhaps, in the end, its for the best that we don't know more details about you or why you left us so soon.  We know what we need to know.  We love you.  We wanted you so badly.  You made us so very happy for 9 weeks and 1 day!  We thought about you, planned for you and I had dreams about you.  We also know God had a reason.

I'm not angry anymore.  Again, I have a strange peace about the whole journey.  I know God has a plan for me and us and our family.  I believe with every ounce of my being that despite my wishes and preferences, adding to our family was not part of His plan for us right now.  And that sucks.  But I trust Him.  RCW does too.  We don't know what the future will hold.  We have mixed feelings about you, Baby W3, and this pregnancy.  Was it to show us how badly we want another baby?  Or was it to show us our family is complete?  I don't know.  I have my personal inner most beliefs, but RCW and I have not discussed the future.  While RCW isn't 'very sad' anymore, I have been checking in on him daily and he continues to be 'just a little sad'.  We aren't ready to think about jumping back on the fertility treatment wagon again right now.  We are still grieving in our own ways and together and healing physically and emotionally from losing you, Baby W3. 

Whether you come back to us here, or we don't meet again until years down the road in heaven, I know you're with God.  And as I've shared with RCW, you were our third loss on this journey, and after losing you, Baby W3, who we both so deeply felt were our little girl, well...we aren't so sure that we can have a girl anymore.  Maybe we just can't make a healthy baby girl.  I don't know.  Perhaps one day we'll be proven wrong, but I do believe that one day when we get to heaven, there will be at least 1, if not 3, little girls waiting to greet us.  You'll be there, Baby W3, waiting for me and your daddy.

Thank you for coming to us, even for just a short time.  You are a blessing.  We will continue to love you and grieve for you.  We will always remember you. You, this pregnancy, this experience will stay in our hearts forever.
 
XOXOX,
~Momma

Typical Child

First, thank you all for your comments on my post about seeking out speech therapy for C.  It was great to feel supported in my decision and read about your experiences with your littles talking!  Thank you!

After I wrote that post, we received our packet of information a couple days later. The survey used for a written evaluation is teh ASQ-3 - Ages and Stages Questionnaire.  Its a pretty popular method for tracking development in babies and toddlers.  C actually took one of these around 6 months when he was still in daycare.  RCW and I went through the questions together on September 18.  I'm going to post the questions because I had some interest in seeing what our process looked like.

ASQ-3 20 Month Questionnaire - For children, 19 months 0 days through 20 months 30 days

You answer each as Yes, Sometimes or Not Yet.  While I can't share with you the grading method on this, I will post our responses for C.  We filled this out when C was 19 months, 3 days old.

Communication

1. Does your child imitate a two-word sentence?  For example, when you say a two-word phrase, such as 'Mama eat', 'Daddy play', 'Go home' or 'What's this?' does your child say both words back to you? (Mark yes even if her words are difficult to understand). --> C: Not Yet

2. Does your child say eight or more words in addition to 'mama' and 'dada'? --> C: Yes

3. Without your showing him, does your child point to the correct picture when you say, "Show me the kitty," or ask, "Where is the dog?" (He needs to identify only one picture correctly.) --> C: Yes

4. If you point to a picture of a ball (kitty, cup, hat, etc.) and ask your child, "What is this?" does your child correctly name at least one picture? --> C: Yes

5. Without your giving him clues by pointing or using gestures, can your child carry out at least three of these kinds of directions? --> C: Yes
a. Put the toy on the table.      d. Find your coat.
b. Close the door.                  e. Take my hand.
c. Bring me a towel.               f. Get your book.

6.  Does your child say two or three words that represent different ideas together, such as 'See dog', 'Mommy come home', or 'Kitty gone'?  (Don't count word combinations that express one idea, such as 'bye bye', 'all gone', 'all right' and 'What's that?')  Please give an example of your child's word combinations. --> C: Not Yet

Gross Motor

1. Does your child climb on an object such as a chair to reach something he wants (for example, to get a toy on a counter or to help you in the kitchen)? --> C: Yes

2. Does your child walk well and seldom fall? --> C: Yes

3. Does your child walk down stairs if you hold onto one of her hands? She may also hold onto the railing or wall. --> C: Yes

4. When you show your child how to kick a large ball, does he try to kick the ball by moving his leg forward or by walking into it? (If you child already kicks a ball, mark yes for this item).  --> C: Not Yet

5. Does your child run fairly well, stopping herself without bumping into things or falling? --> C: Yes

6. Does your child walk either up or down at least two steps by himself?  He may also hold onto the railing or wall. --> C: Yes

Fine Motor

1. Does your child make a mark on the paper with the tip of a crayon (or pencil or pen) when trying to draw? --> C: Yes

2. Does your child stack three small blocks or toys on top of each other by herself? --> C: Yes

3. Does your child turn the pages of a book by himself? (He may turn more than one page at a time) --> C: Yes

4. Does your child get a spoon into her mouth right side up so that the food usually doesn't spill? --> C: Sometimes

5. Does your child stack six small blocks or toys on top of each other by himself? --> C: Sometimes

6. Does your child use a turning motion with her hand while trying to turn doorknobs, wind up toys, twist tops, or screw lids on and off jars? --> C: Yes

Problem Solving

1. Without your showing him how, does your child scribble back and forth when you give him a crayon (or pencil or pen)? --> C: Yes

2. After watching you draw a line from the top of the paper to the bottom with a crayon (or pencil or pen), does your child copy you by drawing a single line the paper in any direction?  (Mark not yet if your child scribbles back and forth). --> C: Sometimes

3. If you do any of the following gestures, does you child copy at least one of them? --> C: Sometimes
a. Open and close your mouth.         c. Pull on your earlobe.
b. Blink your eyes.                           d. Pat your cheek.

4. If you give your child a bottle, spoon, or pencil upside down, does he turn it right side up so that she can use it properly? --> C: Yes

5. While your child watches, line up four objects like blocks or cars in a row.  Does your child copy or imitate you and line up at least two blocks side by side? --> C: Yes

6. If your child wants something he cannot reach, does he find a chair or box to stand on to reach it (for example, to get a toy on a counter or to help you in the kitchen). --> C: Sometimes

Personal-Social

1. Does your child feed herself with a spoon, even though she may spill some food? --> C: Yes

2. Does your child get your attention or try to show you something by pulling on your hand or clothes? --> C: Yes

3. Does your child drink from a cup or glass, putting it down again with little spilling? --> C: Not Yet (Note: At the time we did this, we had never given C anything but a straw sippy cup which of course didn't spill because of the lid.  We have since started working with him on using a real cup without a lid and he's doing great when he's focused.  He can pick it up and put it down without spilling, its the drinking slowly that we need to work on!)

4. Does your child copy the activities you do, such as wipe up a spill, sweep, shave, or comb hair? --> C: Yes

5. When playing with either a stuffed animal or a doll, does your child pretend to rock it, feed it, change its diapers, put it to bed and so forth? --> C: Not Yet (Note: He plays with stuffed animals.  He carries them around and holds them and will love them and make them kiss you, but he doesn't take care of it like the question asks)

6. Does your child eat with a fork? --> C: Yes

Overall

1. Do you think your child hears well? --> C: Yes

2. Do you think your child talks like other toddlers her age? --> C: No

3. Can you understand most of what your child says? --> C: No

4. Do you think your child walks, runs, and climbs like other toddlers his age? --> C: Yes

5. Does either parent have a family history of childhood deafness or hearing impairment? --> C: No

6. Do you have any concerns about your child's vision? --> C: No

7. Has your child had any medical problems in the last several months? --> C: No

8. Do you have any concerns about your child's behavior? --> C: No

9. Does anything about your child worry you? --> No

Are you still here?!  So again,  I can't tell you how its graded, but with you seeing the answers we put for C, I can tell you that when the evaluator called me yesterday to discuss, he scored the highest score of Typical in all categories except Personal-Social.  In Personal-Social he scored the middle range of Monitor.

The evaluator said reviewing the survey, nothing came back as a red flag or a cause to have a face to face evaluation.  She reiterated that we filled this out at 19 months, 3 days and maybe if all these answers were the same if we had filled it out at 20 months, 28 days, then maybe she would be concerned, but not right now.  She said he's doing great per our responses. 

She told met that I had a right to request a face to face evaluation, but if he passed and from looking at the survey, she believed he would without any problem, then we couldn't go back to First Steps for 6 months.  So if he did start to lag behind by our 2 year well checkup in February, we couldn't go to First Steps.  We'd have to find our own private resources for support.  She suggested that since he did score a monitor score for Personal-Social, that she would keep in the system and check back with us in 6 to 8 weeks.  She is also going to be sending us some activities and communication milestones to review and said a few times that by 2 years old we should all be able to understand 50% of what C is saying. Via our local United Way we can access the ASQ-3 questionnaires for 22 months and 24 months as well to make sure he's staying on track.  In speaking with the evaluator, she told me that they do count animal sounds especially in the context that when C sees a cat he says 'meow meow' or when he sees a horse he says 'neigh neigh'.  She encouraged us to keep working with him and told me to talk until I was blue in the face.  That I should be repetitive and say the same thing in a multitude of ways such as, "Do you see the cat?"  "Yes, the cat says meow" "The cat is black"  "Look at that silly kitty cat"  "The cat has a collar" etc...  Sidenote, perhaps I'm far too lazy to be a SAHM!

So, that's that.  Apparently, I'm just an over anxious worried momma who has no reason to worry.  RCW said told you so and laughed at me for all of this, in a loving way! I told him I thought the evaluator thought I was nuts and he said its because we good parents and are doing it right to make sure C gets the best foundation, which First Steps, especially in Kentucky, probably isn't use to.  He thinks they're more accustom to dealing with people like an acquaintance's 5 year old who can't count and the kindergarten teacher had to send home a note.

I'm glad to know C is typical and normal and on track.  And apparently I just need to stop hanging out with the mommas who have the super early to develop kids! (wink wink!)  Again though, thank you for all of your support and the day that C wakes up talking in full sentences between now and February, I'll post a big fat, 'You All Told Me So' post!

Speech Therapy

Just like every other momma, I want the best for my boys.  I want them to be healthy and developing on track with other littles their age.  To go ahead and not be PC, I want them to be normal, even though I know there is no normal, I know you mommas know what I mean.  Since I started staying home I have been fully aware that I am not a teacher.  I am not a trained childcare professional.  I am just a momma who adores and loves her littles.  I worry that keeping the boys at home with me will delay them or not give them the best educational foundation.  I worry that I won't notice warning signs that teachers may pick up on if they were at a preschool.  Thus, I tend to over analyze everything!

Since C started beginning to babble, I've been watching, listening and pondering his speech.  I have a very close friend whose 2 littles went through speech therapy and another momma acquaintance whose little is in speech therapy.  It seems speech therapy is surrounding me, so I'm hyper aware.  I have a lot of momma friends with littles around C's age and we share tidbits and stories.  I know C is not on the same verbal level as others and while I try not to compare, I still want the best for C.  If we need speech therapy I want him to start it as soon as possible instead of just waiting and waiting.  C being more verbal will only benefit all of us in the end.

At C's 18 month well checkup I discussed my concerns with our pediatrician.  We spoke about how C has great recognition and comprehension.  He follows directions well.  He knows what things are.  Just yesterday, I asked him to go to the laundry basket and find me a burp cloth for E and he did!  He knows what we are saying and asking of him.  I don't doubt C's smart, he is, I worry about his current level of verbal speaking skills. C has some words and he uses them in the correct context.  But he mainly has sounds.  Our pediatrician said animal sounds count as a word if every time C sees a cat he says meow.  However, in speaking to friends who have gone through speech therapy, animal sounds or other sounds are not words.  I've started keeping track of C's words because our pediatrician said by 2, he should have too many words to count and putting 2 and 3 words together to form simple sentences.  He said if we weren't experiencing that by 2, he would refer us to speech therapy.  I left that appointment feeling a bit better.

But in the past couple weeks, I just can't shake the feeling in my gut that we will need speech therapy to help C.  We've been trying to work with him.  Having him watch us as we speak.  Identifying objects, talking all the time, trying to encourage him to say words.  When he sees a cat and says meow, we correct him and say cat and ask him to say cat.  He doesn't.  Instead of asking him to point out objects when we read, we point to an object and ask him to tell us what it is.  He is trying and has sounds for many words, but they are not concrete words.  I think that is what keeps coming back to me, he knows the word bubble for instance, but he doesn't say bubble, he says bub and we know what he means.  There are many 'words' like that.  

Here is the list I've started to keep on C's words.

Uh oh
Daaa - for dad
Maaa - for mom
Out
No
Go
Ball
Bub - for bubble
Boon - for balloon
Dag - for dog
Nigh Night - for night night
Vroom
Bye
Ello - for hello
Neigh
Roar
Woof
Baa
Moo
Meow
Quack
Boat - but the t on the end isn't hard when he says it
Nose
Eye
Duck
Mouth
Head
Yuck

And I've heard all the other moms and our pediatrician and the stories, websites and blogs that say speech just happens overnight.  It will be a verbal explosion out of nowhere and it happens between 18 and 24 months.  But I guess I just can't comprehend how that will happen when we seem so far away from making that type of progress.  Our pediatrician even told me he believes there must just be a receptor in the brain that needs to click and it happens between 18 to 24 months and once it clicks, the child can speak.  But my gut just keeps telling me we need to do more.

He has been whining a lot more.  He has been acting out - throwing things, hitting, pulling my hair - at different points mainly when he's tired, hungry, bored.  All of this makes me think he is frustrated because he just doesn't have the words.  He knows things, but can't communicate it well with us.  I know my little boy is smart when it comes to cognition and recognition.  I know he is learning everyday.  I can't imagine how frustrating it would be to be learning new things daily, but not be able to verbalize any of it.

So, after speaking to my momma mentor who is like a sister to me and had both her littles go through speech therapy to varying degrees, I knew I needed to do something.  I needed to follow my momma gut.  I knew it would be better to have C evaluated and find nothing is wrong now than waiting and worrying until February.  The program is a federally granted program run by each state.  Its called First Steps in Kentucky.  The program supports children birth through age 3.  I have contacted them to set up an evaluation for C.  I've heard it can take weeks to get the ball rolling, another reason I'd rather do this now than wait until our pediatrician gives a green light in late February.  I just feel like right now is the prime time for learning and development for C so I want to get help and support as soon as possible, if we need it.

Hopefully I'm just being an over anxious worried momma and we'll have an evaluation and all will be fine and C won't qualify for speech therapy, but if he does need it, then we'll be a couple months ahead and getting him the help he needs as soon as possible.

When did your little start really talking?  Did you or do you know anyone who has gone through speech therapy?

Pinterest Fail - Listerine Pedicure

Inbetween being a good wifey, taking care of babies and dogs, doing my part time work from home gig and attempting to keep the house semi-clean and meals cooked I like to play on Pinterest.  I've pinned over 1,000 pins and lately I've been trying more and more to actually act on those pins.  I've found some great new recipes, I've made some DIY toddler things for C and I've used oh so many to make inspiration boards for our numerous photoshoots each year.  Rarely do I come across a pin that is truly just for me.  But then my Pinterest homepage was bombarded by the Listerine Foot Bath.  


My feet get super dry.  Its bad.  Really bad.  I get pedicures about every 6 to 8 weeks.  I can't bring myself to spend dollars to get them done more frequently.  Usually a fresh pedi coincides with an event - a photoshoot, a birth, a trip.  As I'm waiting to get a fresh one before our OBX trip in a couple more weeks, I figured I would give the Listerine Foot Bath a try.  

Last Thursday night after cleaning all day and welcoming home RCW from a week away, we got the boys down and I poured a concoction of Listerine (2.5 cups), vinegar (2.5 cups) and warm water (5 cups) into a tub.  Then I plopped down in front of the DVR with a wine cooler in hand and let my feet soak for a good 20 minutes.  Sonny wasn't so sure about the smell.

After soaking, I pulled my feet out hoping the dry skin would just fall off like the pins said.  I wasn't really holding my breathe for it though.  And sure enough, the dry skin wasn't just wiping off.  I pulled out my pedicure shaver razor and pumice stone and started trying to get the skin off my feet.  I started with my left foot.  And while the skin didn't just wipe off, I felt like the soak did help get more dead skin off using the razor.  It was just coming off and I was excited about it. Again though, I think a regular foot soak could have done the same thing, I don't know the listerine did all that much.

Sadly, one should not attempt an at home pedicure after partaking in wine coolers and watching Big Brother because I cut myself.  My heel.  It hurt.  I got a bandaid and then was too scared to try and get the dry skin off my right foot.  I decided to clean up.  I put stuff back in our bathroom.  I dumped the tub of my listerine mix down the kitchen sink.  I went to the other side of our counter to do something else.  That's when I realized I was bleeding through my bandaid!

I had tracked blood ALL over the house.  RCW wondered what little dance I had done leaving blood prints throughout the kitchen, living room, on the carpet, on the hardwood, down the hallway, into our bedroom carpet and all over the white rugs in our bathroom.  

Here we were both tired.  Both of us having had some drinks to end the work week and start the weekend (RCW works 4 10 hour days).  And now here we were cleaning blood up all over the house at about 10pm at night.  Here's RCW hard at work!

And here's my poor left foot.  The dry skin looks much worse in this picture from the listerine soak.  But yea, one little cut and it was just gushing.  Today, 4 days later, it hurts worse than it did that night as its beginning to heal. 

So my lesson learned - don't be cheap.  Pay $30 for a pedicure.  And my experience with the Pinterest Listerine Foot Soak was a great big FAIL!  Have you tried this? I've seen another version floating around with shaving cream too.  Oh and if you do try this, be sure to use the original Listerine, not a colored one like blue or green or you'll potentially not only end up not getting rid of dry dead skin, but having your feet turn blue or green too!

SBW - 0 & Pinterst - 1

Being a Mom to Two - Questions and Answers

As I sat feeding E one afternoon this week and C played happily with his cars vrooming them across the living room floor, I pulled out the iPhone and Bloglovin and came across Stephanie's post called Being a Mom to Two - Questions and Answers.  I LOVED IT!  I didn't do too much researching and reading up before we had E.  I was savoring my days of just being a mom of 1 while adjusting to staying home and finishing up school.  Little things crossed my mind, but I figured we'd learn as we went.  I just kept saying, we'd find our new normal.  And we have.  But I thought it would be fun and a great reminder to answer these questions about the boys.

What is your favorite thing about having two kids? 

There is more love.  More snuggles.  More hugs and kisses.  I adore watching C becoming a big brother and watching E look up to him already.  C is quite the helper - he's started helping me shake up E's bottles, he helps feed him, pat his back to burp him, brings me burp clothes, takes E toys and his pacifier, rocks him in the car seat, pushes buttons on toys to make them light up and make noise and all during this E just looks at C and smiles and coos.  The adoration between the two turns me into a pile of momma mush.  I know it won't always be so sweet, but we're in a pretty awesome season right now.

What has been the hardest thing about having 2 kids so far? 

Balancing the two of them.  Some days it feels like someone is always crying.  I get C settled and E starts, I get E settled and C starts.  Some times their naps don't overlap (today they are, hence writing this!) and those days it really feels like I never have a second of downtime.  Unlike RCW, who truly can not stand either boy crying, it has mostly become background noise to me at this point, but I still hate that I can't take care of both of them at the same time always.  It becomes priority - who needs momma more in that exact moment.  Its a fine line and has been a hard adjustment for me.

Are you doing anything different with your second child than with your first?

Yes.  C was put on a very strict 3 hour schedule from almost day 1 because of his massive weight loss to my lack of milk and refusal to give him formula until almost a week after his birth.  It was clockwork.  If he was asleep, we woke him up to feed him every 3 hours around the clock.  As he got bigger and his bottles got bigger, the feedings would drop off until he was sleeping through the night.  But up until almost his 1 year birthday, he was on a schedule of 5-8-11-2-5-8.  E, on the other hand, was never put on a schedule.  RCW and I thought to ourselves, maybe he'll sleep longer. Maybe we don't have to be slaves to the clock.  Maybe we'll just do the on demand thing with E.  There are pros and cons to that, but right now at 4 months old, E is ALL over the place.  No schedule and he has an intense dislike for us when we try to push one on him.  Another difference is I only tried giving E breast milk for a month, instead of pushing through and going to 4 months like with C.  We go out and about MUCH more with E than we did with C.  We let E fall asleep on his own more than with C (mainly because its priority and sometimes there isn't the time to rock him for 30 minutes into a deep sleep like we did with C).  The other thing we purposely did differently is that E never ever ever met the exercise ball.  C relied on being bounced to go to sleep and be calmed, so much so it went on vacation with us last summer.  We did not want that crutch for E.

Do you feel like you are 'better' at having a baby since you already had one? 

Honestly, yes.  I don't think things get to me as much.  As I mentioned, while I hate that sometimes either boy has to cry, its background white noise to me at this point.  I don't fret as much about things like a schedule.  Again, see above.  Everything was so brand new with C being the first.  Its still new and exciting with E, like his first little giggle the other week, but the scary stuff and reading the parenting emails and fretting about if we're doing it right or not, those things don't hit me this time around.  Ironically, I still fret about C because we're still going through firsts with him.  Is he verbal enough?  Does he share well?  When do we potty train?  I think I'll start to worry more if E doesn't follow the same path as C in terms of milestones, but the every day in and out of life, it seems more relaxed this time around.

When do you have special alone time with your first? Do you even get alone time with your first that much anymore?

I'm blessed to be at home with the boys every day so it allows for more one on one time.  When E is napping, I make sure to utilize that time with C to read books or get down on the floor and play with him just him and momma.  C also gets to go outside and go on more errands with RCW these days too.  C is still too little to understand the concept of just him and momma or daddy time.  So long as someone's paying attention to him when he wants it, he's happy, regardless of if E is hanging out in the exersaucer beside us or not.  And while E is with us, I feel like C gets to go and do a lot that is catered to him - MyGym, toddler dates to museums and parks, storytime at the library.  C gets some one on one time with me everyday whether its reading books together or simply eating a meal together while E is napping.  I know as the boys get older we will have to work harder at setting aside true one on one time, but we just aren't there yet.

RCW with C at our local indoor trampoline park.  One of the many excursions we take not only for family time, but picked to entertain C :)

Do you ever feel like your first isn't getting near the attention anymore?

Obviously, C doesn't get as much attention as he did before E was born.  Before E, it was just C.  His every need and whim were catered to by yours truly in a matter of minutes.  That simply isn't viable anymore since E joined the family.  But, in all honesty, I think with E here, C is getting more quality attention than before.  View it as quality over quantity.

Are there jealousy issues?

There are some jealousy issues, I think.  Granted C can't tell me how he's feeling yet and he's also cutting 8 teeth currently making him more clingy and needy than usual, but I think he does want attention when E's getting attention.  It didn't start immediately, it has really just popped up in recent weeks, which I've found interesting.  RCW thinks that perhaps C has realized that when E cries, we usually go tend to him so C has picked up on that and started crying more too.  There are days and times when if I'm feeding E, C wants to be held as well, so I have a lap full.  But C will help feed E in my lap. Its an interesting dynamic that I'm not certain is 100% jealousy over E.  C's also started running over when he sees a dog giving me attention and squeezing between our legs when RCW hugs me.  So yea, I think a lot of it is just being 17 months old regardless of having a baby brother in the house!

Is it even possible to get them both to nap at the same time?

It is.  Like today while I'm writing this :)  But it isn't everyday and that is mostly because of E not having a schedule.  Most days, their naps overlap by at least an hour, but it isn't every day.  C naps from about 1pm to 3 or 4pm.  If I'm lucky, E gets a nap in there somewhere too.

If the toddler doesn't nap when the baby naps, how do you follow the old 'sleep when the baby sleeps' advice? 
This doesn't really apply to me.  I never napped when C napped when it was just him and I certainly haven't napped since being home alone with E.  I think I may have napped a couple times when we first got home and my parents were here.  But yea, I'm not a napping kind of person!  I sleep at night between E's feedings and on weekends RCW gets up with the boys in the morning so I can sleep in and catch up.

Do you think baby #2 just has to be more go with the flow or do you really try to stick to a schedule like you did/if you did with baby #1?

See above.  Baby #2 is definitely more go with the flow, but that was our choosing and doing and a byproduct of E's personality.  He isn't the baby you can force feed.  If he doesn't want to eat, he'll purse his lips and spit it all out!  Without being able to make him eat on a schedule, its hard to get him to sleep on a schedule! I will say this in terms of schedules, as we talk about baby #3, we want him/her to be on a schedule like C was.  It may be nice to not get up every 3 hours in those early weeks, but later on its definitely more helpful and easier to know what to expect and when to expect it instead of every day being totally different.  Especially when C is still on a semi-schedule.  We can anticipate when he'll wake up, eat, nap and go to bed.  In between all of that is E doing his own little thing :)

How do you deal with scheduling around both of their naps? Does the younger one just nap whenever, wherever? 
One benefit of E being on his own timeline is that he doesn't nap too much in the mornings.  Instead of doing a morning nap and afternoon nap like C did when he was little, E usually cat naps in the car or while in the Boba wrap while we're out and about in the mornings and then takes a long afternoon nap while C is usually napping.  Since C is set on an afternoon nap, we schedule things for mornings.  I like to be out of the house by 9-9:30am and then home by 12-12:30pm  for the lunch and nap routine.

Where do you put them in the grocery cart?

Time to be honest - we're almost 4 months in and I haven't gone grocery shopping alone with both boys.  I've taken C. I've taken E.  I haven't grocery shopped with both.  RCW and I went one day with all of us.  We got one of those car shopping carts and put C in the car and E in his carseat in the top leaving the basket empty for groceries.  I don't know where I'd put them to grocery shop if I had them both with me.  At Target or Sam's or places with carts that don't need to be filled to the brim with groceries, I use to put E in his carseat in the top and C in the basket.  But C started playing with what I was buying and sometimes throwing items out of the cart so recently I've been putting E in his carseat in the basket and C in the top.  It doesn't leave a lot of room, but we make do and cuts down on impulse buys at Target!

Who do you get in the car first/out of the car first? 
Ha, I just had a Fb rant about this last week!  There are a couple different scenarios so here we go. 
1. When we are leaving the house: C walks on his own and I carry E in his carseat.  While I'm putting E's carseat into the base, C is playing the yard/driveway and makes his way over to his side of the car for me to buckle him in.

2. When RCW is with us leaving the house: for some reason he usually gets C in first and then comes back to get E or I bring E out when I lock up.

3. When we're leaving another place without shopping carts like library and MyGym: I put E in his carseat on the ground as close to the Tahoe as possible and put C into the car first.  I get C buckled and then put E into the base.  C isn't old enough to understand standing still so C has to go in first if he isn't contained or in our yard or he'd be running off through the parking lot!

4.  When we're leaving another place with shopping carts like Target or Sam's Club: I leave E in the shopping cart and put C in first.  I started by putting E in first, but realized while getting the carseat snapped into the base, C likes to wiggle and rock and roll and sometimes he'd make the cart move which was dangerous.  Now C gets in the car first because E can't make the shopping cart roll yet!

5. When we arrive somewhere with or without shopping carts: I get E out first.  If there are carts, he goes in one.  If there aren't carts, he goes on the ground by the Tahoe.  Then I get C out.  I either put C into the cart with E or I put him on the ground and hold his hand to walk while I pick up E's carseat.

6.  When we arrive home: I get C out first and put him on the ground to walk around the driveway and yard and make his way up to the door to see his dogs while I get E and all of our stuff out.

I don't want to even think about how this will all change when E isn't in a bucket seat anymore!  Which will be sooner than later since our bucket only goes to 22 pounds and E's already 18+!

What do you do when they're both crying at the same time?

I hate it.  It makes me feel sad and frustrated that one of my babies is going to have to keep crying, but it is what it is.  I have to gauge priority.  Who needs me more in that moment.  For instance, if they both wake up in the mornings together, I know E needs me more than C because he's a baby and hungry and he's truly screaming.  C just wants to get out of bed and play and will eventually start to whine, but he's fine hanging out in his crib a few extra minutes while I get E settled.  But like the other day when C fell and E was fussy to finish eating and burping, C's bleeding chin took priority.  I don't think there has been a moment where both are screaming and truly needed me at the same exact time.  Knock on wood that moment doesn't happen!  Right now, I can still make decisions based on priority.  

What does your older child do while you are nursing?
While I'm not nursing, I do have to feed E.  Sometimes it happens while C is napping so I get some TV time ;)  If C's awake, usually he's just playing while I feed E.  If C's having a moment where he wants to be held, he sits in my lap and helps hold the bottle and pat E's back to burp him.  We haven't had too many problems with C playing independently when I'm taking care of E.

C happily playing while RCW was feeding E and I was doing work on the laptop.

How do you shower...ever?!

Sadly, this doesn't happen as often as it should.  I always shower on weekends when RCW is home.  But sometimes I can go days.  Especially on weeks when RCW is working out of town.  Sorry all!  I wear a lot of ponytails with headbands or sunglasses and carry deodorant in my purse!  If RCW's not home, I try to shower in the morning.  I'll wake up before the boys or sometimes they hang out in their respective beds while momma takes a quick shower.  I've also tried showering when they're awake in the mornings.  I'll put E in his exersaucer in the bedroom and bring C into the bathroom with me, but that hasn't happened lately because the last time it resulted in C basically trying to climb in the shower with me.  He's obsessed with water!  I don't like showering at night because I feel like I still wake up dirty after getting up and down with E and his spitting up!

What do you do if you want to take the older one to something the second one can't do? Like zoo, circus, etc.

We all go.  E has done much more than C had at his age.  E usually hangs out in the stroller or even more likely in the Boba wrap on me while we're at a museum or zoo or MyGym.  We haven't had any issues yet, although as E gets bigger and isn't as content being confined I do foresee having to make some changes, but I'm not sure what those are just yet.  We really like our family time and trying to include everyone in everything.

How difficult is it to go anywhere with just you and the kids?

This isn't something I've struggled with, luckily!  Again, I think it will change as E continues to grow and wants to be more independent.  But right now, I just make sure I allow extra time and take extra supplies.  The boys and I go out alone at least 3 days a week together, if not more.  Its important for me to get out of the house and even more important to me that C socializes with other littles so we adjusted and found a new normal.  I think C and I go out more now with E than we did before he was born!

Do you give them baths at the same time?
Sometimes.  I prefer to give them baths together.  If the stars and schedules align they do!  If RCW is at home, they do too.  If RCW is home, they both get in the tub together.  He washes E then hands him off to me to dry, lotion and put into pjs while he washes C.  Then RCW does the drying, lotion and pjs of C.  If RCW isn't home and I'm doing baths alone at the same time, C goes in first and is washed.  E hangs out in the Nap Nanny in the bathroom with us.  Once C is clean, I put the infant tub in, fill it with water and put E in and wash him.  C plays while E is being washed regardless of who is doing the washing.  Once E is clean, I get him out, wrap him in a towel and basically swaddle him up in a blanket and put him in his crib with the mobile on while I then get C out and dry, lotioned and into pjs.  Then C hangs out in his room and plays while I get E dried, lotioned and into pjs.  Its a system!  Sometimes though, the schedules at night don't line up and they have separate baths. 

Do your children share rooms and if so how does that work or are you planning to share rooms?
The boys will share a room, but right now E is still sleeping in our room.  E's crib is in the nursery along with C's and sometimes he'll nap in there with C.  Its happened a handful of times so far.  It's gone well, but for right now its just easier to do most naps and bedtime in the cradle in our room.  I'm not too nervous for them sharing a room, but I'm not really thinking about it until E is sleeping through the night since C is such a good sleeper right now.

First ever nap in the same room together.  And their crazy momma was trying to document it!  C's on the aqua sheet, E's on the green one.  And yes, there is a dog bone in the middle of the floor!

How do you manage your home and take care of two babes?? Where do you get all the energy from?
Ok, so lets be honest again.  The house is far from clean.  It isn't a priority for me.  With the dogs, I vacuum at least every other day, if not every day in the open living space.  We keep laundry and dishes clean.  I try to keep the kitchen semi-clean.  But bathrooms - yea, they're cleaned maybe once every 2 months.  Floors mopped only when the dogs track in dirty muddy feet.  Dusting - what is that?!  The boys room and our bedroom vacuumed - that happens when we have a photoshoot.  I don't feel like we live in a pig sty by any means, but yes, the house could be cleaner.  But I don't think its taken a backseat since having E or C.  I wanted to stay home to be with my babies, not to live in a sparkling house.  So going out and about and doing things with them takes priority.  However, I do try to cook.  We eat a home cooked meal or leftovers pretty much every night.  Since staying home, eating out and take out has taken a major backseat.  I don't feel like I have some crazy amount of energy.  There are certainly lazy days, but you push through and do what you have to do.  Some days are survival mode in pjs, other days are crazy productive.  It all evens out in the end!

Typical view of the main living space.  Laptop open to Fb on kitchen table, toys all over the living room, dirty dipe and wipes on kitchen counter.  C is eating lunch.  E is fussing.  Pile of laundry waiting to be folded on TV consol.

Were you ever scared you couldn't love another child as much as the first one? 
Yes.  I was very scared.  The days leading up to E's planned c-section I was terrified.  HOW could I love another baby as much as I loved C?!  And honestly, especially if that baby was a girl.  I 110% wanted Baby W2 to be a boy so C would have a brother close in age to him. While I can't play what if since we had a boy, like I wanted, I can easily say that the cliche mothers of 2+ tell you about your heart growing is true.  The love just expands.  These 2 boys are my life and I love them each dearly to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond.  I have no fears about having more babies about being able to love them all.  Its the concept of the more the merrier, except the more, the more love.

How are you and your spouse able to keep the spark (not sex) going when you are busy with both kids? 
We are really lucky that the boys go to bed early.  I don't know what we'd do if we had babies that stayed up late!  The boys are both down (usually) by 8pm.  Once they're down, chores stop, work stops and RCW and I hang out.  We watch TV or a movie.  We cuddle on the sofa.  We eat a dessert together.  On weekends we've also stopped doing things to hang out and talk during afternoon naps.  And since we make the drive to RVA frequently, catching up during that 9 hour car ride helps too.  We text during the day all the time as well.  I try to make him feel like he's with us, sending pictures and videos of the boys, especially when he's working out of town for the week.  As much as I adore and love C and E, I know that one day they will be adults and leave and RCW and I need to have the foundation of our relationship and marriage still be in tact so our relationship takes priority over having a clean house or logging too many extra work hours once the boys are cared for.  We also play on the floor with the kids a lot, especially on weekends.  One day the boys will think they have crazy parents, but right now they love it.  I'm blessed because I know we have a lot of family time, which helps keep the spark between RCW and I.  And we always make sure we have date nights when my parents visit.  We've never left the kids either a babysitter besides my mom and dad.  I don't know when or if we would as my parents visit every 6-8 weeks.  So we embrace giving them grandparent time and go out to dinner and a movie or just hang out in our room.  I should note, that doesn't mean we don't fight or have disagreements or pass out sometimes, but overall we've been able to find a happy balance for the two of us. 

How do you and your hubby split the work? Does he mostly take over the older kid duties when he's home and on the weekends?
That's a hard question to answer.  I stay at home.  So during the day I do all the work.  That was my choice and my preference.  RCW works out of town Monday through Thursday frequently so a lot of the time I'm single parenting during the week 24/4.  When RCW is home on the weekends after being away, he usually gets up the boys in the morning so I can sleep in and catch up.  When he isn't working out of town during the week, its a tag team effort for the most part on nights and weekends.  There are rare times when RCW does all the work - mainly when I'm running errands or whatnot.  That's my choice.  I don't want to be at home and not helping raise and care for the boys.  A lot of it boils down to do you want the toddler or do you want the baby and we each take one when we're both at home.  When #3 enters the picture, I'm not sure how that will change since we won't get a 3rd adult to come home with us too!

I’d be interested to hear your answers to these questions if you have more than one child.  Are there other questions you have that I didn’t touch on?